Help me deal with a transgender teen from a feminist perspective please

[starfishsunrise]

I have posted here occasionally under my usual user name.
The name I have now is from the LGBT boards. If anyone has time to pop over and look at my threads on there it will give a bit of background.
I’m hoping those with experience can help me. I know we have some adult transgender posters here.

My 16 year old son came out via a letter around New Year. I was stunned. There was not even the smallest clue. I remain convinced it’s a phase and there has been some internet influences

He then never mentioned it again, I tried once or twice but he wouldn’t really open up. It’s only when I said he need to buy suit for 6 th form that things came forward once again.
He needs to choose a 6th form. The choices are between a girls school and a boys school. The 6th forms are mixed but not very, most stay where they are but slightly more girls go to the boys than the other way.

My son wants to dress as a girl from the start and go to the girls school where he would have to make compromises in his subject choices.
I want him to change gradually, start by feminising his appearance and only change when he leaves for university.
I love him and want him to be happy. I just don’t see dressing as a girl as the answer. He’s very back and white. I used the phrase tiny bit autistic on my other post which unintentionally offended some. It was a shorthand for character traits.

I can’t find the words to express how this all makes me feel and why he doesn’t have to be one thing or another but how there is a spectrum of expression.
I am sure there are people who will be happier in a different body I’m not sure my son is one of them.

Would allowing him to go to a mainly girls school just be playing into this?

I wonder if this site could help

A community of parents & others concerned about the medicalization of gender-atypical youth and rapid-onset gender dysphoria (ROGD)

4thwavenow.com/

@starfishsunrise, your story isn't surprising. Lots of parents are not aware when their child comes out, it may seem a shock to you but they may have been living this for much longer than you imagine. You are however in the wrong place for advice on parenting a (possibly) trans child, but you probably already know that.

Your child sounds like they know their mind. They are brave to consider transitioning at 6th form and will likely need all the love and support from you they can get.

There are lots of organisations that could help you and your child, I'd advise starting with your local LGBT centre.

Just to add, OP doesn't mention anything about physical transition. Overloading them with a lot of misinformation about irreversible changes and online grooming is alarmist and unhelpful.

The reality is that in the UK at least access to any form of medical transition on the NHS is a glacially slow process.

I disagree with the glacial slow process when private doctors and mermaids, which is usually the first hit for parental support, subverts the watchful waiting and tells parents would you rather have a dead son or an alive daughter. Here lies the melodrama that we parents are being met with instantly. Also 16 is very close to adult services. I might be wrong but post 17 can qualify. The op does not have a lot of time. Let's not forget the trans sites that tell our kids how to order hrt online. Once this is in place in an under 18, the gp then will have a duty of care to provide treatment. This is a way round it. The kids know this.
To the op, assume your child is telling you half the story and research am I trans and read the responses. It is quite an eye opener. They will say you are abusive, you don't mean anything, you are the evil one etc. A few days browsing all these forums gives a good insight into how kids are being reeled into this ideology.
If you are happy with your child's announcement then mermaids is your best place to help you and your child as the parents are all affirming. If not sure try gender critical support as another poster mentioned. It's a very difficult time for you right now. My advice is to research all perspectives and then stay 10 steps ahead because there is a pattern to what our kids request. Ask if what they are saying is their own thoughts or thoughts put there by others. It is a difficult road either way. Not affirming does not mean you don't love or support your child despite what the trans agenda says.

It's called bridging hormones.

hi starfish, it sounds like you're dealing with a complex and difficult teen issue right now. And you sound caring and concerned, as I would be if the same thing was happening to my DC right now.

I'm not an expert and don't have lots of advice, but you mentioned the 'internet influences' in your first post.

The one thing I'd recommend all parents to do, if you're not already, is to wander around the social media that our teens are also in, as it starts to give you a good perspective on the messages, discourse and atmosphere that they're experiencing too.

Tumblr particularly.

It's incredibly useful to 'live' it through their eyes, to see the influencers, the pernicious messages being driven, the shut down and bullying of gender critical posters (and who is doing the shut down and bullying).

Bizarrely, the social media of our times allows us as parents to view the teen world and dialogue much more than when many of us were teens ourselves, when much of our teen world was hidden to our parents. (A phone attached to the wall, and conversations not documented on social media was much more exclusive!)

it doesn't necessarily solve the issue you're facing, but entering the internet world your teen is immersed in may help in discussing the issues with language and perspective that resonates with them.

Apologies if you have done so already, and this is just grandmother telling you to suck eggs!

With respect to the education options, you say that both sixth forms are mixed sex. And presumably at both boys can wear “girls’” clothes, and vice versa.

Unless the school with more girls has way worse results, ilmight be best just to go along with it. You say there are issues with more restricted A level choices there, but how restricted? Choice of subject seems of secondary importance to the other things going on, eg socially and healthwise. Presumably at their preferred school DS could do A levels in standard, “facilitating” subjects for university.

Rapid onset gender dysphoria is discussed here...there are other clips in the series that are worth watching too. Further links are in the notes of the clips.

I know this may sound silly... but....
Take your son away to somewhere no one knows you for a weeks holiday and let him wear skirts make up the works... that he wants to wear to the new school...

Tell him it is a trial run so he can see how people will react to him..

Explain about people may not be willing to accept this and how going slowly may cause less disruption inhis educational needs for a few years

people who dress in nonconforming ways, eg boys and men who wear make up, are already well aware of the risk that some people may be rude or unkind to them.

How to Really Help Trans Children - includes the lady that set up Transgender Trend, from the UK, who maybe able to help you too.

I really wish people would stop using the term “puberty blockers”, makes them sound so harmless. I wonder if any of these people have ever been on these drugs, because I have. Two years, when I was already an adult. These drugs fuck up your pituitary gland and then other problems follow. Ten years on and I’m still having issues as a result - to be fair issues is putting it mildly. I cannot actually believe anyone would give this to their child unless there was a medical situation that made it absolutely crucial. My son is currently being investigated for a genetic condition that can cause precocious puberty and I would really struggle to agree them them if it came to it. A teen who’s suicidal is one thing, someone who’s suicidal because their lifelong health has been destroyed by something that was never actually necessary (it’s not as if transitioning requires it), or who has insufficient genital material to facilitate SRS, who has no sex drive whatsoever, who suffers from debilitating fatigue, osteoporosis, growth issues, thyroid issues etc. And that’s not even getting into the fact that screwing around with a developing brain is extremely unwise.

You have done right starting this thread.

I don't think transitioning at home first is necessarily a good idea. Transition in a new sixth form is uncomplicated because their is little history so few preconceptions to battle. Transition at home is difficult because there is a lot of history and preconceptions to be overcome.

An entirely gendered sixth form is, however, not ideal. If your child finds living as a girl / woman is not right, then you want to make returning to a male role easy. It is called the Real Life Experience or Real Life Test for a reason - it is a way of finding out.

If you spend any time on MN you will have seen how badly many members treat trans women. Is that something that you would want for your child to live with? It need not be like that. With help, and a medical transition in late teens, you could have a daughter who could do everything without anyone ever guessing her past, treated entirely as a woman because nobody will ever no otherwise. But, if you delay her then you will make her life harder. If you make her fight you, you risk her becoming a TRA rather than an ordinary woman. There is also a risk that if you push hard against transition, your child might go too far to prove you wrong.

It isn't easy but the more you can relax and support whatever your child decides, the better it will be. If right now that is going to school next year as a girl, personally I would allow it. Take the attitude that the two of you will have open minds an explore it together.

And remember children are far more open-minded than many of the adults on here from earlier generations, although some will have conditioned their children into their prejudices. A few years ago I had the privilege of talking to a 9 year old girl whose classmate had just transitioned. She said that the children were all fine with it but that they kept having to explain to the teachers that their classmate was a girl now.

Forget much of what you read online. It tends to be reactionary from both sides. Talk to real people but remember that it is very hard to find the people who have transitioned without being prominently trans. They are generally not in trans groups.

"who has insufficient genital material to facilitate SRS"

With a good surgeon there is nobody with insufficient donor material. Generally a scrotal graft rather than a penile graft is all that is needed, but there are other alternatives.

The issue I have is I don’t want this for my child. I love him and want him to be happy so I may have to come to terms with it. But the whole transgender subject is difficult and divisive. We live rurally and it will be more of a big deal here than if we lived in a city.
It’s just come out of nowhere and I am stunned.
I don’t want to encourage it but I recognise I can’t stop it. I also need to think about his siblings.
I don’t know anyone transgender on real life. I don’t even know any parents whose child has come out as gay.

"I know this may sound silly... but....
Take your son away to somewhere no one knows you for a weeks holiday and let him wear skirts make up the works... that he wants to wear to the new school...
Tell him it is a trial run so he can see how people will react to him..
Explain about people may not be willing to accept this and how going slowly may cause less disruption inhis educational needs for a few years"

It isn't silly. It is a very sensible suggestion IMO.

I hosted a party with a lot of trans friends present. Even knowing that, my cis friends identified less than half of the trans people present.

But equally, especially for those changing to a female presentation, it can be very tough at the start without support from the changes hormones can make to the face. Even if - and that isn't a given - it is right for your child, it might not be right now as transition requires a lot of strength, and often a certain desperation. Finding out as soon as possible whether your child can cope with the pressures is sensible - so long as s/he feels no pressure to do it. I suggest you should facilitate but remain as neutral as possible.

Mummy 2017 what a good idea
Agree with Tammy re puberty blockers

I'm not surprised you are worried. We are all about penis and scrotal surgery in a conversation about a boy doing GCSEs. One side will make it seem like a very easy ride. However, you're his mum. No one will fight for him in the way you do. No one will care about him more than you do.

"I don’t know anyone transgender on real life. "

You do not know anyone openly or visibly transgender. There is a difference :)

"The issue I have is I don’t want this for my child."

No parent would - including those who have themselves transitioned. That's a perfectly natural and reasonable position. My guess is that your child would also prefer not to have this complication.

You also need to make sure that your child realises that there are alternatives to transition. MNers bash 'transvestites' but for some people dressing occasionally can be a way to avoid or delay a full transition.

But, for some people, there really is no alternative to transition if they are to be happy.

It is really tough for everyone involved and the only way to get through it safely is to keep an open mind, support each other and take baby steps before big steps. Over time you will work out which of a range of long term outcomes is best but right now nobody knows.

And try to reach out to other parents in similar positions. The mums I know who have been through it find being able to talk to other parents very helpful. I don't know which group is presently best, but Mermaids has been around a long time and might be an OK place to look for support for yourself.

I think that you have to put yourself to one side here, so that you can help your child. Your child (I'm deliberately avoiding pronouns) is telling you that they are in a state of unrest with their gender presentation, and they want to present as a different presentation. That is all you know for sure. You are conflicted, and concerned that they are not making that choice from an informed and secure base. What your child needs is for you to be their security. To be their rock. To handle this. To handle them. Your child will be scared and unsure and feeling awkward. If you respond by being scared and unsure and awkward, you're just giving them you're emotions to deal with as well as their own. So you need to do that bit "off-set", I think.

Is your child referred to CAMHS? That might be good. Can you start a dialogue about why they feel that they should transition? I suspect that they are trying to skip transition if they just want to start college in the other sex.

If girls go to the boys' college, why can't they go to the boys' college as a girl? Why do they want to go to the girls' college? Also, for you, which subjects would he miss out on by going to the girls' college? I'm quite outraged that girls are limited in subjects by attending a college designed for them!

Backing @SarahCarer re. Autism, if you suspect, please do pursue assessment. DD2 is a year into the waiting list after seeing initial assessment and being told that they think she has ASD, but needs formal ADOS for confirmation. Yesterday I asked her to buy free-range eggs, and when she asked 'why free-range', I explained the difference between those and barn eggs. She looked puzzled and said 'but what difference does it make?', so I explained about chicken welfare, then she looked puzzled again, and said 'but what difference does it make to the eggs?' I said "None, DD2, absolutely none, but we care about the chickens!" She looked completely nonplussed, as she hadn't made that connection at all. Her brain is just wired so very differently. So we can't assume that when we talk 'normally' she is taking in what we say all the time, because quite often there is a different meaning/impact/sense to a conversation for her, because her autism gives her a different processing of social language. I tell you that story to highlight that if your child does have ASD they may well have viewed their world through a different lens, which is worth exploring.

Just a point to clarify. As far as I am aware GPs do NOT have a duty of care to carry on prescribing hormones bought online, anymore than we have a duty of care to carry on prescribing anything else bought online. The GMC released guidance some time ago regarding prescribing hormones when people are waiting for appointments at Tavistock or similar but this was contentious and is something most GPs would be seeking advice on.

Yes I would not seek advice from a woman who had her child's testicles removed at the age of 16.

Don't go near Mermaids op. You are much better putting your trust in experts ie the NHS. You mentioned that people don't come out as gay in your area. That means there is homophobia and a lot of it. If your ds is gay he will be very afraid to come out. One of the things camhs asked my dd about (because I suggested it) when she presented to them as trans was whether she thought she might be gay. Her answer "I think I might be but I don't want to be" . Some young people have internalised homophobia which makes them happier envisaging themselves as trans *and therefore heterosexual. If you are afraid of your ds being gay you will need to address that within yourself but you also need to tell him it is fine with you even if it isn't. You won't make him gay by reassuring him but if you haven't done so and you live in a rural area he will assume you are not fine with it

OP has said that both schools have mixed sex sixth forms.

"Don't go near Mermaids op. You are much better putting your trust in experts ie the NHS. "

OP can't separately access NHS support and probably would like some support before her child seeks NHS appointments (which might never happen). Seriously, most people here are opining from positions of ignorance and often prejudice. The people who can most help you are other parents - ones whose children have progressed further AND ones who didn't. Mermaids is a route to make initial contacts. Once you have those, the parents can help you find other contacts and tell you which resources are or are not helpful. You can then quickly drop Mermaids if it doesn't feel right to you. Many parents will feel how you do. You will not be alone in how you feel.