Do you always assume the worst?

[MoonMutha]

Today I took my baby swimming, I was on my own in the pool with her but DH was there to help with the changing afterwards. I nipped off to the showers to have a wash. Whilst towelling off my hair I look up to see a man smiling at me and he asked me if I had a good swim. I looked at the floor and said yes thanks. He then asked how many lanes did you do? I said I was with my baby and just walked off.

I know there's been a lot of (ridiculous) debate lately about men saying they now "cannot even talk to women" because it's considered sexual harassment. I wouldn't say what I felt today was harassment but I did automatically think the worst (that there was an ulterior motive to his asking). The whole situation made me feel really uncomfortable being that I was caught unawares and just out of the shower (still with swimsuit on).

I haven't had the best experiences with men in public throughout my life so far, but should I give men the benefit of the doubt? I can hear my mother's voice saying "perhaps he was just being friendly!" But then again she used to get spanked in the workplace in the 80's and think it was "all just a bit of fun"

I wouldn’t have thought anything of this. It’s quite normal, to me, for strangers to chat at the shops, on a bus, in a gym. I suppose it depends on experiences you've had in the past, as to whether you expect the worst. Most men I’ve met have been friendly and decent.

I dont think its assuming the worst, more that I'm much more interested in men who can make an appropriate approach than ones who set off alarm bells.

Were you dressed? I can see why you might have felt more vulnerable if you were just out of the shower with a towel on for example.

But also, gut feel is very important. If you felt uneasy then that probably tells you all you should know.

As said, it depends on your past experience.
It is normal for people to chat and be friendly, but then it is normal for some men to be lecherous creeps.
I try to assume the best but watch out for the warning signals.

He had terrible radar. You were in a bathing suit, looked down when he spoke, answered a different question that signalled you weren't interested in talking and he carried on.

I'd say your instincts were bang on.

I think that if you’d had the same conversation while fully dressed you’d probably be fine.

It’s not your social radar that’s off, it’s his.

That’s not to say he had any bad intentions necessarily but most women would feel uncomfortable in that situation.

I always assume the worst. I will answer men politely but defiantly when they speak to me. I will look them in the eyes (not look down as you said you did) but I won't be all smiles and friendly.

Even if men aren't being lecherous creeps (which they usually are) and are just being friendly, isn't it funny that they're nearly always "just being friendly" to women?

If men are pissed off that they "can't even talk to women anymore", well tough. That's not our fault or our problem. These men who are pissed off need to look at their kind and their behaviour over the last several thousand years and start there with their blame and pissed off-ness.

Whilst towelling off my hair I look up to see a man smiling at me and he asked me if I had a good swim. I looked at the floor and said yes thanks. He then asked how many lanes did you do? I said I was with my baby and just walked off.

What has any of this got to do with him?

If I were in that situation, even with swimsuit on, I would feel very uncomfortable. When a man makes me feel uncomfortable I don’t want to override it.
Pretty much anything that happens to us as women is made out to be our fault anyway, so that makes me more likely to follow my instincts.
There’s a bloody good reason why women have the instincts that they do, and if men don’t want us to have them they should create an environment where we don’t need them.

I would have felt very uncomfortable in that situation so I think you were right to go with your instincts. As MrsTP says above, you gave off enough polite "i don't want to talk signals" and he chose to ignore them.

He seemed to have been watching you while you weren't aware of his presence. It wasn't a social situation. Your reaction was spot on whatever his intentions.

I said as much to my husband on leaving the pool. If he had asked me this as we walked out, or in the public area it would have felt totally different. I did feel vulnerable especially as I was in a swimming costume. It's a very family orientated pool which is why there are no separate changing areas.

I would have been interested to have a discussion with him on whether he thought that was appropriate. I get the feeling he would be one of those "us men can't do anything right" types.

I would have been interested to have a discussion with him on whether he thought that was appropriate. I get the feeling he would be one of those "us men can't do anything right" types

I don't think it's up for discussion. I think women need to tell men when they are being inappropriate.

I think saying "It's very inappropriate and creepy that you've accosted me to ask inane questions. You wouldn't have done this if I was a man" and just walking off is absolutely fine. You don't need to explain why you think it's inappropriate.

@GameOldBirdz when I am in a feisty mood I like to challenge men. I suppose today I just felt too nervous and was so caught off guard.

@MoonMutha I'm always in a feisty mood nowadays .

It's kind of sad actually that I feel I always have to have my guard up and always be ready to challenge men when I go out in public.

Great points by everyone. Especially AmazingPostVoices, MrsTerryPratchett and others.

To me a swimming costume is very much Ile being on one's underwear. I'd not want to chat to a strange (as in unknown) bloke while in my underwear!

Very much like

I agree. It is basically underwear!

The good ones get it. The bad ones are the problem anyway.

This is why we need female-only spaces. PPs mentioned thar being in public means being on guard against men all the time, having to dry your hair (a vulnerable time because you can't see) with men around. Female-only spaces give us time off from that burden of constant vigilance.

We have a regular delivery guy who is terrified of dogs, he was bitten once. Our dogs are lovely soppy things but we prevent them from approaching him because he has a justified anxiety.
Most men ‘get this’; how one bad experience can affect all your future reactions to dogs.

The majority of women have experienced aggressive unwarranted attention and worse from men and it makes them justifiably anxious when unknown men approach. But they are expected to nice because NAMALT.

It doesn’t work like that, it’s sad but your response was perfectly understandable.

Honestly I don't think it sounds like he did that much wrong.
I wouldn't have thought being in a swimming costume in a communal area would mean you can't do polite chat. Would you not talk to people by the pool or on the beach on holiday?

Trust your instincts. They're usually right, especially us. What you describe sounds perfectly innocent, but none of us were there.

Are we arguing against mixed changing areas, even if they are all locked cubicles? (villages) Last pools I've been to have been this setup. Doesn't bother me but I know some with negative experiences can be uncomfortable with it.

I wouldn't assume the worst, but I would assume a certain level of entitlement coming from this man. In that you are a stranger, and he felt entitled to interrupt you and start trying to chat to you in an uncomfortable situation. I'm an antisocial so-and-so, I don't appreciate anyone I don't know talking to me unless I'm being clearly receptive to social interaction. Minding my own business drying my hair would not be one of those times.

The other thing is that we all weren't there and can't judge his body language and so on. I generally trust my instincts, so you should probably too.