Do you always assume the worst?

[MoonMutha]

Today I took my baby swimming, I was on my own in the pool with her but DH was there to help with the changing afterwards. I nipped off to the showers to have a wash. Whilst towelling off my hair I look up to see a man smiling at me and he asked me if I had a good swim. I looked at the floor and said yes thanks. He then asked how many lanes did you do? I said I was with my baby and just walked off.

I know there's been a lot of (ridiculous) debate lately about men saying they now "cannot even talk to women" because it's considered sexual harassment. I wouldn't say what I felt today was harassment but I did automatically think the worst (that there was an ulterior motive to his asking). The whole situation made me feel really uncomfortable being that I was caught unawares and just out of the shower (still with swimsuit on).

I haven't had the best experiences with men in public throughout my life so far, but should I give men the benefit of the doubt? I can hear my mother's voice saying "perhaps he was just being friendly!" But then again she used to get spanked in the workplace in the 80's and think it was "all just a bit of fun"

@lichtie Would you not talk to people by the pool or on the beach on holiday?

Not strangers, no. And I would be alarmed if someone approached me at a time when I was doing something that reduced my ability to see them or otherwise made me vulnerable.

I think it's really subtle. I've spoken to people by the beach, pool whatever. But it's generally because there's something obvious to talk about. A big bug just landed to the pool, kid splashed people, announcement... making conversation about stuff.

This man decided to approach a woman on her own, busy getting ready, asked questions and didn't take a hint.

Subtle but not so subtle to women who have had a hundred conversations like this go sideways. It always starts with a tiny little bit of entitlement and attention expectations.

I wouldn’t have thought anything of this. It’s quite normal, to me, for strangers to chat at the shops, on a bus, in a gym. I suppose it depends on experiences you've had in the past, as to whether you expect the worst. Most men I’ve met have been friendly and decent

I would agree with most of the post above but this sounds creepy. I wouldn't fear the worst but I would think it was a creepy and unwelcome attempt at a chat up.

It's a weird time to start a conversation. If we are really giving him the benefit of the doubt maybe he lives alone, has few friends and is desperate for some interaction. But that was not the time or place!

Honestly @Lichtie no I wouldn't but perhaps that's just me. I would assume they were there to enjoy the company of their companions. I do smile and nod at people if our gazes meet. I wouldn't have felt uncomfortable if this man had just said hello in passing. Something just really creeped me out about it.

I have never started a conversation with a random man in a pool when he was wearing trunks.

Instincts are powerful (& not as woo as they sound it's just shorthand for the reading & assessing of microexpressions etc etc that occurs unconsciously) and we ignore them at our peril.

If your instinct was wrong the worse that happens is you might be a wee bit rude to someone well meaning (but socially clumsy), if your instinct was right & you ignored it the worse that could happen is pretty bad....

I always assume the worst when I am alone and a strange man demands my attention.
My survival instincts require it.

"Instincts are powerful (& not as woo as they sound it's just shorthand for the reading & assessing of microexpressions etc etc that occurs unconsciously) and we ignore them at our peril."

Totally agree.

I have never started a conversation with a random man in a pool when he was wearing trunks

I haven't been in a public swimming pool for years and I'm not sure what the set up is but if the OP and this bloke were the only people in the communal changing area then some sort of brief acknowledgement of each other - just a nod/ or a "good swim?" / "lovely weather" would not be unnatural or creepy. As someone said you are in your underwear (he is too?) so a brief acknowledgement is , to my mind, making a slightly awkward situation easier.

But after that, continuing the conversation in this way is odd and creepy.

@LassWiADelicateAir as you have not been at a public pool for years, I should add I go swimming at least once a month, probably twice a month sometimes, and so for the past decade I've probably been at the pool with communal changing and cubicles about 120 times, and I've never felt the need to start a conversation wit ha random man.

If I was in there with a single random man in a changing area, I'd really not want him to start a conversation. It would not make me feel more comfortable, it would make a slightly awkward situation more awkward to me.

Your reaction was entirely reasonable. It's a circumstantial thing - the same questions standing in line at Starbucks when you're fully dressed and haven't just emerged from the shower would be fine. He was behaving oddly and either didn't pick up on your discomfort or did and didn't care that he was making you uncomfortable. In either case, not something a man whose company you'd enjoy would do.

It is the part where they stand there watching you, waiting for you to see them standing there watching you that creeps me out.

Do you think his intention was to frighten you OP?

@Faceicle no I don't think it was.

The options I've decided are:

I caught him looking and then he felt he had to make conversation

He was trying to chat me up and thought he'd try his luck

He was a perfectly nice man who likes to chat and didn't realise how it would make me feel.

The reason I don't think it is the last option is because a natural interaction/brief encounter would be to just say 'good swim?' Or 'nice day, isn't it' and then carry on. To proceed with the conversation while someone is looking at the floor and trying to walk away is just... (I don't have the word so this face will have to do!)

You were physically really vulnerable OP, barely clothed as previous posters have pointed out. Drying your hair means you have your head down, deprived of your sense of sight, your hands busy, possibly with your ears covered up as well. If you had thought you were alone your subconscious thought process would have assessed a potential threat before your conscious mind caught up. It's possible that he had no intention of alarming you at all. But IMO your response was definitely reasonable and probably unavoidable.

Would this man have struck up the same conversation with your husband? Maybe. Maybe not.

It's impossible to know in this case, but men do strike up random conversations with strange men. All the time.
Well some men, and some women.
Some people are just like that.
There are some antisocial people in this thread. I'm antisocial myself, but I understand that some people are more outgoing.
As I said in my first post though, some men are doing it to be creepy and lecherous. Not possible to say in this case, so go by instinct.
If you're wrong, you haven't lost much.

In general if you're getting a bad vibe then getting out of the situation is the smartest thing to do. If you do accidentally hurt the feelings of a man clueless enough to think that cornering a swimsuit-clad, just out of the shower woman in an enclosed area while she visible tries to avoid talking to him for a lovely little chat is a great way to make friends then oh well! Maybe it'll help improve his social skills in the future.

Yes, I would assume the worst in this situation. Of course it might have been an innocent attempt to pass the time of day. But it probably wasn't.

Ha @AngryAttackKittens you've got it spot on there!

We have your back MoonMutha!

My ex husband used to ask me how he should approach a woman if he wanted to compliment her about her clothes, shoes or hair... he wanted to be sure he wasn't coming across as creepy.

I asked him why he felt he needed to do that at all?

I suggest that men ask themselves if they would do the same to a man. If the answer is no, then do not proceed.

If the answer is yes, then proceed in the exactly the same manner as you would a man.

men don't go round complimenting other men - they just let them get on with their day without constantly interrupting with inane comments about how they love your hair.