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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Relationships

30 replies

ThreeTinedFork · 19/05/2018 14:06

Just curious as to how many heterosexual women on here have found that their beliefs/position has been an impediment to relationships?

I'm single after my marriage ended several years ago.

I find that the majority of men I meet (I'm early 40s) have viewpoints regarding/expectations of women that are just so incompatible with mine that I would be unable to consider a relationship with them.

Even those men who seem more 'enlightened' hold beliefs that are more in line with 'libfem' beliefs and I'm still expected to 'conform'.

Over the years, I've met/dated/had fledgling relationships/long term relationships with men from a variety of social/economic/educational backgrounds and every single one has failed either because I'm not 'womaning' properly in one way or another.

I can't be the only one who has experienced this?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeTinedFork · 19/05/2018 14:14

Argh, 'either' was there because I was going to give another explanation but then realised it was just another example of me not 'womaning' properly.

OP posts:
womanformallyknownaswoman · 19/05/2018 14:27

beliefs/position has been an impediment to relationships?

My beliefs aren't a problem - the quality of the available resource is - in that it doesn't come anywhere near my standards Grin Grin

Original poster
ThreeTinedFork · 19/05/2018 14:31

My beliefs aren't a problem - the quality of the available resource is - in that it doesn't come anywhere near my standards

Haha, yes that's a better way of expressing it!! Grin

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Companion42 · 19/05/2018 14:32

I'm online dating after the break up of a long term relationship. I've just turned 30 so really thought the chaps of my generation would 'get' it. But I'm finding it hard too

CardsforKittens · 19/05/2018 14:33

Yes! I'm not heterosexual but most of my relationships with men have had similar difficulties. Mind you, my last same-sex relationship was with a woman who was more libfem than rad.But I still found it easier than being with men with similar views. My current partner is a man but I've been completely uncompromising from the beginning and my partner reads feminism. So we manage.

Original poster
ThreeTinedFork · 19/05/2018 14:34

Companion My son is 19 and has his first girlfriend now. He has previously been on dates with girls but hasn't been able to get over just how willing they are to defer to him.

He once told me I'd 'ruined' him (jokingly of course) because he would only consider dating a feminist.

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MoodyDench · 19/05/2018 14:38

It's a difficult one. I generally prefer 'rugged' men, but they don't tend to be the type who spend much time on the internet or have much insight into feminist issues. I also think that we sometimes hold men to high standards whilst not really turning the lens on ourselves. I remember reading the 'I'm a feminist but...' thread before I delurked and being shocked at how many ardent feminists played the girl card when it suited them and refused to take out the bins/mow the lawn/change a tyre - all easy tasks which a teenager could do. I think a decent man will act decently in many cases even if he isn't up to par with all the feminist theory - much of it is common sense.

Picassospaintbrush · 19/05/2018 14:40

Mid 50s, worse. Awful. Men who are bearable at that age, someone is hanging on to them already, the ones back out or still on the market in their 50s are there for a reason.

I am not interested in a relationship with a man anymore, I like being free. I look at couples and wonder why humans have to be paired up so much of the time, it looks weird once you stop doing it.

missbonita · 19/05/2018 14:42

I met DH when I was 18, he is a feminist, works in a factory and enjoys playing 5 a side. He can't socialise with work or football mates without feeling like traitor. He hates most men his age and will not be in their company (mid forties).

However, our daughter plays competitive netball and due to me being the main earner he takes her to fixtures and is generally treated as a pariah. He is repeatedly asked why he isn't 'at work' and DD is asked 'where is your mum?'. They will not have him in the watsapp group for fixtures (call it a 'mum group'), or on the lift share lift even thou he is a youth worker.

Both DH and I feel we would struggle to find anyone who shares out world view if we didn't have each other.

Original poster
ThreeTinedFork · 19/05/2018 14:50

Kittens Sorry, I deliberated stated heterosexual women because I assumed that women in same sex relationships wouldn't encounter this as much.

Moody That's partly where I fall down. I can't change a tyre because I just don't have the strength in one of my arms after an injury but I do mow the lawn, take the bins out, tile, do my own DIY, etc... my exh accused me of "emasculating" him when I did it. But he couldn't. So choice was I did it or it didn't get done.

My most recent ex boyfriend fell out with me hugely because I dealt with problems/shit on my own rather than phoning him for (unnecessary) 'support'. His position was "I know you like to do these things on your own" but he felt it was his 'job' to 'help' me. What with me being a woman and all and him being a big strong man...

Picasso I think I've arrived at the same conclusion Sad

It's not helped by the fact that I'm quite petite and 'delicate' (in features not physique) and I think I bring out the protective side in men. So I attract men who want the opposite to what I am. They get quite cross about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeTinedFork · 19/05/2018 14:53

I think a decent man will act decently in many cases even if he isn't up to par with all the feminist theory - much of it is common sense.

I think part of the problem, though, is what they consider to be acting 'decently'.

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MoodyDench · 19/05/2018 15:12

I meant they'll act in a manner I'd consider decent, but then again I'm pretty thick skinned. Having spent years as a HGV driver I'm not the sort to throw a fit if a bloke calls me 'love if I don't feel he meant it disrespectfully, for example.

tsonlyme · 19/05/2018 15:44

I’m confused, why do you date men who expect certain behaviours from you because you’re a woman? Do they lie about being feminists themselves in order to get you to go out with them but then can’t keep up the facade?

I certainly had my fair share of rolling eyes when I was dating a year or so ago when I mentioned I was a feminist so I know it’s not always the first thing you bring up but I found it easy to spot the fakers once I met them, it was in the small details of language usually.

I don’t expect a partner to have as radfem views as I do as long as he respects my viewpoint and makes an effort to understand where I’m coming from and why. And he doesn’t expect me to pick his pants up off the floor 😂

rememberthetime · 19/05/2018 15:48

I'm also relatively new to the dating scene after a long marriage where my husband thought feminism meant hating men.
I have opted for more casual relationships mostly with younger men in their 30s. One is very aware if his privilege and us what you might call a feminine man. He's almost perfect but has his faults.
Others are open to the discussion and appreciate that I'm independent.
But I agree it's hard.
The way I look will put off most standard men though. I look like a feminist... whatever that means.

ChickenMe · 19/05/2018 16:32

I love my partner and he's perfect for me but if God forbid he wasn't around any more I'm not sure I'd bother with men again. I too could not be bothered with all the bullshit. Since becoming a mum I really find that the company of like-minded women is one of my favourite things. It "reaches parts a man cannot" (figuratively speaking)
My partner is a really kind, decent bloke. Occasionally I have to challenge his views but he enjoys a debate and it's never anything extreme. He's on board with a lot of the radfem stuff. I wouldn't expect him to be perfect just respectful

thebewilderness · 19/05/2018 22:56

I married too young and divorced with two children. I had mostly relationships with younger men because they seemed slightly less misogynist than those my age. But they were not. It was a matter of style rather than substance.
I decided when I was 44 that I would rather spend my time and energy on friends rather than a partner. That was 28 years ago and I have never regretted my decision.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2018 01:04

Th of not such an ardent feminist as I am! However, he is a kind, decent, caring, gentle person.

Of course a raving misogynist would not do. But generally it is how people act rather than their exact beliefs that I am most concerned with. IMHO.

So a non-feminist but caring and fair man trumps anyone who believes and says the right stuff but acts like a shit.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2018 01:05

DH not th

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 20/05/2018 01:26

So a non-feminist but caring and fair man trumps anyone who believes and says the right stuff but acts like a shit. Good point ItalianGreyhound, plenty of brocialists out there talking the talk but not walking the walk.

Tbh ThreeTinedFork this is one of the reasons I recently got back with my ex. After a little time back in the dating pool I decided it was a case of better the devil you know! Having spent the past few years breaking through his traditional barriers and trying to get him to see things from a woman’s POV I really could not be arsed with starting again from scratch!

The trans stuff has been a real eye opener for him and challenged his traditional gender role beliefs. I think he’ll always be ‘chivalrous’ at heart and I get to appreciate the good parts of that while trying to educate him about the downsides of treating men and women differently. As his DDs grow up I think he’ll start to ‘get it’ more too.

WhatTheWaterShowedMe · 20/05/2018 08:27

I met my now DH when I was 18 and have been with him for 18 years. If anything happened to him I am confident I would not want to seek a relationship with another man.

Italiangreyhound · 20/05/2018 19:59

@WhatTheWaterShowedMe "I met my now DH when I was 18 and have been with him for 18 years. If anything happened to him I am confident I would not want to seek a relationship with another man."

DH and I have been married nearly 17 years. I honestly don't know if I could be arsed to start again if we broke up! But I am in my 50s and I am sure I felt differently when younger.

I do think actions speak louder than words.

WhatTheWaterShowedMe · 21/05/2018 14:41

@Italiangreyhound can’t be arsed is right. I have friend who have been doing online dating for years- beautiful, intelligent, funny women with good careers- and they have wasted so much time on bad dates and on off relationships. There’s just so many other things I’d rather be doing.

HotRocker · 21/05/2018 18:34

I was married, well actually still am married, to a horrible, controlling, emotionally abusive and occasionally violent arsehole of a man. Today he got arsey and slammed the phone down on me because I told him it wasn’t my responsibility to sort his shit out for him. He’s been lying to me and sandbagging me over settling the house, which he lives in, and the divorce for five years now. I have to get it sorted now because my landlord wants me out of here next year, I don’t work because I’m disabled and have no guarantor, so there is a real possibility that me and our 10yo son will be made homeless. He doesn’t read solicitors letters and lies continuously about what he’s doing. He is going to get a nasty shock because I’m going to take him to court and he’ll have to sell our house, the house that he drove us out of because of his bullying, threats and violence. I think this tells you all you need to know.
My being straight and trying to conform experiment is well and truly over, and thank God. From what I have read and heard about the dating scene I wouldn’t want to go near it with a bargepole.

Italiangreyhound · 21/05/2018 23:18

@HotRocker that's awful. Good luck getting the selfish fucker out of your home. Hope you and your son can get a new place. XX Thanks

HotRocker · 22/05/2018 09:34

Thank you greyhound. I’m about to call my solicitor now. He did respond to the letter that was sent with a phone call yesterday, after I told him it was too late. Well it’s still too late and I’m going to book an appointment to start court proceedings, so he can go fuck him self.