Being told to lighten up - how do you respond?

[doricgirl]

I was walking through the park today with my two year old strapped to my back and stopped to wait for a bunch of 19/20 year old guys playing football across the path to move past so we didn’t get hit.

One of them saw me and stopped the game, I said thanks as I passed - all good. As I was walking away one of them said kick the ball at the kid... so I turned round and said this isn’t funny to which the guy started with oh lighten up hardly a threat etc. I did get quite arse at that point saying when it’s your own child it’s not funny and he told me he didn’t want to have the conversation any more.

Went off to meet my husband and only when telling him did I realise how upset I was. He was furious and pointed out it would not have happened if it had been him or we’d been together.

Am torn between thinking I am just a grumpy old woman (38) and wanting to have better comebacks to this kind of shit.

Any ideas?

Do you see way up thread where you made it all about what you would do, OldMan?

That is where and how you derailed the post. Failure to stick the flounce, -3.

The point is that how women respond is different to how men respond to aggression from other men. Due to obvious differences in size/strength and due to be obviously constrained by holding a baby/child, or being pregnant. Do you really think that the young man in this example would have genuinely been intimidated by threats of violence?

No. Actually I don't see where I made anything about me. In fact, I tried to leave it with just my advice but attacks like "why are you speaking at all" kept coming. Very hostile.

The point is that how women respond is different to how men respond to aggression from other men. Due to obvious differences in size/strength and due to be obviously constrained by holding a baby/child, or being pregnant. Do you really think that the young man in this example would have genuinely been intimidated by threats of violence?

Well obviously I do or I wouldn't be advising it. Showing a willingness to fight back defuses more situations than it causes. And again, being a man doesn't mean that getting into a fight doesn't carry a high risk of permanent physical injury. It very much does. And in fact they're more likely to beat up a male than a woman. Especially with a child. It's not about winning a fight, it's about stopping it before it starts.

You've twice attacked me about my experience and I've twice answered it. How many times have you been physically threatened by a gang of people in public? How many times have you been physically attacked by same? For me, I've been threatened on many occasions. And attacked on several. Being male didn't stop that. But showing a willingness to fight back HAS prevented attacks on several occasions. And let us not forget the OP isn't talking about a fight. It's just about getting people to back off verbally. And if you don't agree with me that's fine. But telling me I shouldn't speak is not.

Obvs I wasn’t there, but but you seriously believe they meant to harm your child? Sounds to me like the sort of “score 5 points if you hit the next person to walk by” banter than teenagers engage in. Which doesn’t mean they are going to kick a ball at anyone. Anyhow, since they’d moved out of your way to start with what’s the likelihood?

Why they’d be playing across the path rather than on the park itself is another issue.

Well now that you have mansplained this I just cannot think for the life of me why the OP did not threaten to beat those boys up the way a manly man would.

I've not told you you can't speak, I think you're confusing me with someone else. And I haven't "attacked" you, grow up, I've asked you questions.

There's no way a woman holding a baby would actually follow though on any threat of physical violence, and the young man in question would know it. It's an empty threat that has no weight. It's absurd to suggest it as a strategy for responding to such mindless petty intimidation.

Obvs I wasn’t there, but but you seriously believe they meant to harm your child? Sounds to me like the sort of “score 5 points if you hit the next person to walk by” banter than teenagers engage in. Which doesn’t mean they are going to kick a ball at anyone. Anyhow, since they’d moved out of your way to start with what’s the likelihood?

The likelihood is very low. Though OP's husband is likely correct that they wouldn't have said it if he was there.

Citation: I have a Y-chromasome and therefore insight into the evil that is "manly manliness". ¯\(ツ)/¯

I've not told you you can't speak, I think you're confusing me with someone else.

I didn't say you did. It was thebewilderness. Precipitating this train wreck of a thread. But yes, your posts are repeated attacks. I answered your questions by the way (which were more insinuations I was lying, btw). You've three times neglected to answer mine, which are simply the same ones you've been asking me.

There's no way a woman holding a baby would actually follow though on any threat of physical violence, and the young man in question would know it. It's an empty threat that has no weight.

She's not expected to follow through. For Heaven's sake nobody wants violence. Telling someone to "fuck off" who makes a comment about kicking a football at your child is just a basic warning to back off. And it's not absurd. It's my experience that showing a bit of counter-aggression works. Maybe just accept that we disagree and move on? Is that acceptable?

Questions are attacks now are they. Ok then.

Do you mean your question about whether I've been on the receiving end of threatening behaviour from men whilst caring for my children? Yes I have. And I have been physically attacked by men without provocation or warning as well, although thankfully not whilst I was caring for children.

Oldman, you have absolutely no idea of how vulnerable a woman is, when she is generally smaller, lighter and weaker than any random aggressive young man,
and is also, and this is important too
carrying her two-year-old child on her back in a child carrier.

Oldman, you have no idea at all about women's lived and living experience.

Having taught women self-defence and having known women who did exactly what I suggested as an approach with great success, I've a pretty good idea of what women are capable of, actually. Having been in many confrontations, I also have a pretty good idea of what generally works to prevent things progressing to physical violence. The point of my advice being how to prevent that. Plainly I have committed the unforgivable sin of suggesting women can be as capable as men. Are all women able to speak out or snap back at comments like this? No - some are not comfortable. But then neither are all men. If the OP is threatened by people in a public place, I recommend she consider my advice. Those of you who don't agree - you're welcome to but the level of hostility here is absurd and seems to be wholly based on the idea that women aren't capable of saying boo to a man. Which ain't my experience!

I've tried multiple times to disengage. But plainly this thread has now become useless. I'll leave you all to it. But for reference, I've seen women do exactly what I suggest with great success. It works. But clearly my female friends have a different idea of what women are capable of than some of you.

Questions are attacks now are they. Ok then.
I think so. My comment The question is, why are you speaking at all? (the implication being on a subject you know nothing about)
seems to be what set off the moaning and wailing about being attacked.

Having taught women self-defence and having known women who did exactly what I suggested as an approach with great success, I've a pretty good idea of what women are capable of, actually.

I should have realized by the style that he was one of those guys.
A few used to show up in my unarmed defensive tactics class every year.

You have no idea what being a woman threatened by men feels like.

It's amusing that you find women not being interested in what you've got to say as "hostile". You've also incorrectly assumed that women here are advocated not saying boo to a man. In fact many women here have advocated a very firm response. Just not threatening violence.

Disingenuousness, and total and utter mansplaining, Oldman.

And repeated announced flounces that do not actually happen.

You still fail to address the crucial fact that OP was actually carrying her two-year-old child on her back, at the time of the threat by a man.

Having taught women self-defence and having known women who did exactly what I suggested as an approach with great success, I've a pretty good idea of what women are capable of, actually.

Which actually only works once someone (esp women) have been trained in self defence. As said above, empty threats or domination displays without the back up - completely useless.

It's amusing that you find women not being interested in what you've got to say as "hostile".

He got that offended with a few words on the internet. It is a clear display that men don't take women standing up to them very well, and many will usually unleash violence to put women back in their places. So really, the majority here are right!

Thank you for all the replies will respond properly tomorrow but just to clarify there’s no way I would want to start s confrontation or threaten violence in general and especially not with my small child there.

I just want to be able to express why using a threat of violence in that way as a joke is not funny and I am not unreasonable to object.

I am not going to be using self defence whilst carrying my 2 year old that’s nuts and kind of missing the point.

Though on reflection I could have tried to force them to put the toddler’s shoes on which usually results in flailing and v loud protests... might have been a deterrent for future ‘banter’

I would have turned to the boy and said ''yeah you kids carry on kicking the ball to each other,before yer called in for tea'' . Though just ignoring it might be best. In general they got out of the way and 1 idiot was just trying to show off

I'd say it's extremely unlikely that he's going to physically attack you in that scenario.

I've lost count of the amount of times I've been physically attacked or threatened by men, particularly when I have challenged them. That is a scenario I would now walk away from as quickly as possible to try and avoid harm to myself and my child.

@1doricgirl

You are certainly not unreasonable to object, and to post a report of what happened to you.

It is just so worrying that there are people who try to justify what you experienced as nothing to worry about.

Threatening your child and you - not threatening?!

There have been heavy attempts to gaslight you on this thread, by men.

I hope you are OK now.

It bothers me that threats of violence from boys is dismissed as showing off, joking around, or wev.
It bothers me that threats of violence are dismissed.

What I know from experience is that they do kick the ball at you and then they expect you to pretend it was an accident.

I am not going to be using self defence whilst carrying my 2 year old that’s nuts and kind of missing the point.

Any kind of physical altercation could have proven fatal for the child (eg falling backwards on DC). It is completely irresponsible to suggest taking the risk really.

While I would never shrug off episodes like this, careful analysis of the options and likely outcomes need to be considered. Always.