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Original poster

How would this make you feel?

50 replies

SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 07:55

I'm posting here because I feel pretty violated over this and alot of victim blaming has gone on.
Last week I was at a friend's engagement party with my partner.
Lots of drinking and dancing (I wasn't so drunk I didn't know what was happening)

This one guy was chasing women obviously trying to take someone home. One woman hid in the toilets and phoned our mutual friend because he wouldn't quit flirting with her.

Anyway and I will try my best to keep this short. My partner had just gone to get me a drink and I started to walk off the dance floor when this guy grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders. Kept spinning me around. I was quite literally screaming stop I dont like it and he just kept spinning me. Eventually he put me down and I was quite shaken up. My brother asked me what was wrong as he didn't see it.

I told him and he wasn't happy so decided to put him in his place and tell him to back off. This guy then decided it was a good idea to tell him to hit him if he didn't like it ect..

My partner came back, I told him what happened and he calmed the situation down. We then just sat talking and having drinks and trying to put the sutuation behind us. My brother said just ignore the weirdo in future, and someone must have overheard because his cousin decided to hit my partner (female cousin.)

My partner walked away because things got heated and then got jumped on outside the party by the guy and his friends. He came home with quite a bit of damage and is extremely upset.

Now we didn't know these people but they were all good friends with my good friend.

I've been blamed and asked to apologise. Apparently the man in question is a good guy in general and was just having a laugh that night. I didn't need to get upset about such a small deal and he wasn't trying to hurt anyone.

I feel absolutely terrible and I don't know whether I should apologise or should hold my ground. Why do I feel terrible? Surely this isn't my fault?

I now have to work with her and she is a powerful person that will no doubt make things difficult with others.

I can't count the nights I've spent in tears over this. I ruined her party, atleast that's what she said.

OP posts:
Ginmakesitallok · 04/05/2018 08:01

You poor thing! You did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for. Typical victim blaming by the others.

Greymisty · 04/05/2018 08:09

Eh? How on earth did you do something wrong? But was acting like a bell end.

Original poster
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 08:10

So I'm not going crazy? What he did and his behaviour wasn't okay. My brother and partner was genuinely trying to protect me and every other woman he was upsetting that night.
I did feel violated, But my feelings on it have been minimised so much I thought I was going crazy and I didn't want to post in relationships for fear of being flamed about the whole thing.
I know she has been justifying it and victim blaming to all our other friends so I'm at a complete loss!

OP posts:
AncientLights · 04/05/2018 08:11

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Some man was behaving like a total prick, that was the real him btw not the 'nice guy' that people see most of the time, and he breached your boundaries. Those were the boundaries of any normal woman. He may have been having a 'laugh' but he wasn't making women laugh. Far too much bad male behaviour is excused by that and it's a device to blame women (what's new?). "Why are you so touchy/sensitive/haven't you got a sense of humour?" This is crap. What happened after that is not your fault.

I don't know how you can deal with the fall out though. I'd distance myself from anyone accusing you as much as possible but that's easier said than done. But I'm not sure who this person is who you have to work with? I'd stand my ground if I were you.

NoSuchThingAsAlpha · 04/05/2018 08:12

Report to the police, your DP was assaulted and I wouldn't be surprised if culprits have previous. Nice guy? Yeah, right, pull the other one.

Original poster
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 08:15

I have been strong to a certain extent and told mutual friends I'm standing my ground and my partner is also furious with them for treating me so badly. That and the fact he came away with damage that has cost us over a 100 pounds. I don't want to say exactly for fear of outing.

I haven't spoken to her and have just got on and refused to talk about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 08:18

The police was involved at the scene but said they would have to shut the party down if they needed to take statements and because I was made to feel guilty. I dropped it and walked away.

I really wish I had made a statement now.

But again would they even believe me, or just victim blame. It's such a mess!

OP posts:
Onemorning · 04/05/2018 08:19

I'd be livid. When I was young and slim some random carried me out of a pub on his shoulder. Apparently that was just a fucking laugh too.

I'm sorry you've been through this .

MrsWooster · 04/05/2018 08:20

Stand your ground. He's not a 'good guy'; he is someone who doesn't acknowledge women's right to say no- you and the girl who hid in the loo. If your friends like him, that's their lookout. Maybe by standing firm you might even help some of the scales fall from their eyes... but that's not your issue.

SardineReturns · 04/05/2018 08:21

It's always a woman's fault. Always.

It's your "fault" because you didn't react as you were "supposed to" when physically picked up and spun about. You were supposed to bat your eyelashes and giggle prettily. The fact that you said what you felt ie that he was totally our of order has been taken as the wrong thing.

Of course he is in the wrong and he sounds like a total dick.

Getting his mates togeher to ambush you and beat up your partner is another level of wrong again - planning to catch someone and attack them because "their woman" has stepped out of line (by standing up for herself) is appalling.

They sound like total bastards. Dont' apologise.

TravellingFleet · 04/05/2018 08:22

Can you go back and make a statement to the police? It seems very disturbing.

Amalfimamma · 04/05/2018 08:28

Ah poor him.its obvious that you led home on and made him out to be some sort of sex fiend when in really he's just a good bloke having a laugh.

I suggest you give him, and your good friend this as a present, as a way of apologising.

How would this make you feel?
Original poster
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 08:32

Is it bad that I don't have the guts to go back to the police? I just feel as if it will be seen as a drinking session gone wrong and they won't be interested. Because that how it usually plans out isn't it.

Lol thanks Amal! That cheered me up.

OP posts:
aaarrrggghhhh · 04/05/2018 08:36

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

AND REPEAT.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

If you don't go to the police don't feel bad about that either.

Absolutely none of the clusterfuck is your problem.

And tbh you are very well off from any social circle involving these people.

What. A. Dick.

ellaoldie · 04/05/2018 08:38

I had a similar experience at a party when I refused to dance with a man who was hassling me. He threatened to pull up my skirt if I didn't - I was over 30, not 12! The hostess told me off for not "playing the game".

Amalfimamma · 04/05/2018 08:41

@you've don't nothing wrong , and if you do or don't go to the police is entirely up to you and how you feel. I would, however, be telling those who demand you apologise to stick their demands where the sun don't shine and demanding that he apologise for assaulting you on the dance floor and you OH inside and outside the venue.

If you feel the police won't listen to you, as your OH is he'd be willing to report the assault on him giving the assault on you as the spark that lit the flame. Don't care blame yourself for any of this.

Amalfimamma · 04/05/2018 08:41

^ don't dare blame

Ffs

deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/05/2018 08:43

Nice guys don't beat up other guys or assault women.

MrsCatE · 04/05/2018 08:44

So sorry OP. Please stand your ground. Otherwise this guy has got away with it, probably not for the first time. Can you still make a police statement?

Same here one morning. A girlfriend and I were having a quiet drink when suddenly a group of men swooped, picked up my chair (with me sitting on it) and swirled me about - sort of like a solo Jewish wedding celebration. I felt that atmosphere could turn and just laughed. Luckily, they did put me down and friend and I legged it. Didn't think of standing up for ourselves.

I've been called a frigid bitch numerous times for turning down 'amazing studs' and was once stalked by a bloke - and his sister!!! She was upset I wouldn't see him!

Original poster
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 08:45

Thanks guys, just talking it out here is making me feel better. But how ridiculous I still feel a sense of guilt.

There has been a few friends come forward since and admit they feel over powered by this particular friend and have had similar experiences to which they have kept there distance. I'm a little greatful she has shown her true colours because before that I would have classed her a great friend.

I think I just needed to hear it from an outside point of view (MN)

Her issue, and what she is telling everyone is I ruined her extremely expensive party. She isn't at all concerned about how it's made me feel.

OP posts:
tribpot · 04/05/2018 08:52

This 'good guy' was already over the line when this happened:

This one guy was chasing women obviously trying to take someone home. One woman hid in the toilets and phoned our mutual friend because he wouldn't quit flirting with her.

And then you were assaulted - can you imagine ever doing what he did yourself? You know you wouldn't. And then your DP was beaten up by this guy and his friends and has come home with quite a bit of damage.

But sure, this was a 'good guy'.

Does your DP not want to go to the police about his assault? That seems like a simpler case to prove, given he has sustained physical damage.

Your friend is not your friend. I assume you won't be socialising with her again - her friends like a pack of twats.

Original poster
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 09:07

I suppose my partner could. But would it go anywhere further than drunken behaviour and a caution. I just feel as though, that will cause more tension at work than nessacery. How fucking ridiculous! I'm soa angry at myself for feeling like this! I feel like I should be so much stronger but I can't shake this guilt and feeling of a woman who brought it on. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I do.

I was raped when I was 13 by a 30 year old and when my parents eventually made me go to the police I was questioned sideways and almost blamed because I had been drinking alcohol he provided me with. I made it up in their eyes...

So now I suppose I judge everything by that incident.

OP posts:
MIdgebabe · 04/05/2018 09:45

Then tell your "friend" that you are not going to the police to prevent more Unpleasantness.

Original poster
SunshineandRain18 · 04/05/2018 10:07

So in my situation I shouldn't apologise? I'll just leave my ex friend well alone in future.

OP posts:
Amalfimamma · 04/05/2018 10:10

@SunshineandRain18

Don't even think about apologising. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for!

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