How would this make you feel?

[SunshineandRain18]

I'm posting here because I feel pretty violated over this and alot of victim blaming has gone on.
Last week I was at a friend's engagement party with my partner.
Lots of drinking and dancing (I wasn't so drunk I didn't know what was happening)

This one guy was chasing women obviously trying to take someone home. One woman hid in the toilets and phoned our mutual friend because he wouldn't quit flirting with her.

Anyway and I will try my best to keep this short. My partner had just gone to get me a drink and I started to walk off the dance floor when this guy grabbed me and threw me over his shoulders. Kept spinning me around. I was quite literally screaming stop I dont like it and he just kept spinning me. Eventually he put me down and I was quite shaken up. My brother asked me what was wrong as he didn't see it.

I told him and he wasn't happy so decided to put him in his place and tell him to back off. This guy then decided it was a good idea to tell him to hit him if he didn't like it ect..

My partner came back, I told him what happened and he calmed the situation down. We then just sat talking and having drinks and trying to put the sutuation behind us. My brother said just ignore the weirdo in future, and someone must have overheard because his cousin decided to hit my partner (female cousin.)

My partner walked away because things got heated and then got jumped on outside the party by the guy and his friends. He came home with quite a bit of damage and is extremely upset.

Now we didn't know these people but they were all good friends with my good friend.

I've been blamed and asked to apologise. Apparently the man in question is a good guy in general and was just having a laugh that night. I didn't need to get upset about such a small deal and he wasn't trying to hurt anyone.

I feel absolutely terrible and I don't know whether I should apologise or should hold my ground. Why do I feel terrible? Surely this isn't my fault?

I now have to work with her and she is a powerful person that will no doubt make things difficult with others.

I can't count the nights I've spent in tears over this. I ruined her party, atleast that's what she said.

Of course you did nothing wrong. But as others have said, its always the womans fault. Be it for overreacting, under reacting, wearing a short dress, covering up too much..and so on.

This guy is a dickhead. And those blaming you are also dickheads. I am sorry this happened to you, and hope your partner feels ok too.

I'm trying to imagine what your apology would look like?

"I'm so sorry that I don't like being thrown over someones shoulder and that I have a partner who is concerned to make sure that someone doesn't do things to me that I don't like"?

I am really not sure what they expect to hear? Would it be something like "I'm so sorry that I didn't think it was funny to be thrown over a strangers shoulder and that D had to punch my partner because..." nope really don't understand what words they woudl even want to hear!

You haven’t done anything wrong.

As an aside, you can speak to victim support even if you haven’t reported a crime. I think they’ll also discuss with you whether you want to. You should.

You've done nothing wrong.
Pick your friends more carefully.

You have done nothing wrong

Do not apologise for taking up space or being a human with actual rights and feelings.

If you can access some counselling to help you decide if you would like to take further action and how to manage the fallout that would be sensible. This might just be this thread, but could also be calling a helpline or asking your GP for a referral or (insert option locally available to you).

Here's another one who says you have nothing to apologise for. You are the one entitled to an apology. It's up to you whether you report it, and up to DP (who is also entitled to an apology) whether he reports the assault on him. Chances are it won't be the first or last time this entitled arse has behaved in this manner. It's a real betrayal when other women collude in this sort of abusive behaviour. It can make it hard to get a fair perspective on things, makes us doubt our own judgment.
A good move to come on here for support and please get more support IRL from Victim Support if you want to.

Thanks guys.. Here are some of the victim blaming excuses why I should apologise.

Friend didn't see it and therefore she won't get involved so from where she is standing we both need to apoligise to her for ruining her night.

If my partner didn't get involved and tell him to back off, all would have been forgotten and it wouldn't have kicked off.

I was probably flirting because he was present in a converstation where I was talking to my friend. I didn't speak to him but was laughing at something my friend said. Which means I was apparently up for a laugh so it was harmless.

I over reacted and therefore it's my fault.

My partner over reacted.

You know the usual. I think I will speak to my psychologist about it because although minor to some people. The whole incident has caused some mental damage. Especially now it has caused a big divide in friends.

Fyi.. After the incident they were all posting selfies on social media captioning things like (the best friends I've ever had.) I've now blocked and deleted because it makes ne sick.

I've heard it all now - laughing with someone else in the presence of a man is flirting, is it?

I thought your friend didn't see the incident happening, so how come she is speculating wildly on what happened when you were talking (and - gasp - laughing) and what the significance of that laugh meant, vis a vis your interest in being picked up and flung around by some drunken rando?

all would have been forgotten
By everyone else, except you and the woman who locked herself in the loo.

I can certainly see how in your situation the events were especially scary and have brought back some deep memories. You were physically overpowered by a man. That's awful and I hope you're doing okay.

No don't apologise, and keep your distance.

You are not in the wrong here!

It may not be worth taking further due to amount of aggro but don't apologise whatever you do or you will start to feel it may be a little bit your fault and it really isn't

The 'nice guy' is a violent p*k

You are absolutely in the right. Stand your ground. He sounds like a horrible man and your ex friend is no better. Hope you are ok

Just reading this made me angry for you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. It’s not asking for anything exceptional to want a night out celebrating with friends without anything awful happening.

On the other hand, the twat who was harassing lots of women at the party, physically manhandled you then gathered a gang of mates to beat up your partner? He is absolutely way past reasonable behaviour and well into criminal.

I’m disgusted that your friend would expect you to apologise for his behaviour.
Please do talk this over with your psychologist; it’s really not on you to manage the feelings of your friends, just guard your own mental health around this incident.

"Apparently the man in question is a good guy in general"

Stop right there. That's gaslighting. "Oh no, don't say anything, you would ruin the poor guy".

Sorry, but you need to take this to the police. Your partner was assaulted. That is a pretty serious criminal offence.

No. You shouldn't apologise. Your friend should be apologising to you instead. And the bloke has the most apologising to do.

Wouldn't hold my breath waiting.

You've done nothing wrong, your partner has done nothing wrong, and that "nice guy" is dangerous. You and your partner would be well-within your rights to involve the police. People who cover up for dangerous men are enablers and you should stay away from them for your safety.

Don't apologise!
Do I know men who might pick a woman up and spin her round when hammered? Yes, if they knew her and thought she'd be ok with it.
If she made it clear she didn't like it, would they kick off? No. They would say sorry. Perhaps rather too fulsomely if they were really hammered.
Would they get their mates to beat up the woman's partner? No, because they're not thugs.
Anyone who thinks this "nice guy's" behaviour is anything other than criminal isn't someone you want to associate with. Tbh, they all sound dodgy as fuck.

You did nothing wrong, and you have no obligation to apologise.
Those that are pressuring you to apologise are taking the side of the abuser/troublemaker. They really need to examine why that is.

Harassing all the women at the party? What a creep/predator.

You and your partner were both assaulted by their friends and they are blaming you? 1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

That person is not your friend. Nor did you spoil their party by objecting to being assaulted.
They are trying to gloss over a crime by blaming the victims.

You didn't overreact. Her party might have been expensive but neither it, her nor her friends are classy.

Good guys do not harass women or assault people.
Srsly! They are pissing on your leg and telling you it is raining.

Tell them to go fuck themselves, walk away and don’t engage with them ever again

Seconding all the people pointing out that this was assault both of you and your partner. Criminal assault. You said something about the "friend" who wants you to make it all good by shutting up and taking it was someone important at your work. So your options may be limited. But avoid the hell out her and everybody who thinks that way. Toxic.

And as for going to the police. Huge hassle, very draining, etc. etc. Perfectly understandable that you'd rather just put it behind you. This is a very difficult read about going to the police: An Unbelievable Story of Rape. The good ones win in the end, but it takes decades. There is so much work to do toward a reasonable society it's just flattening. And people like the one with the expensive do are part of the problem, not the solution.

"I'm sorry you invited such an asshole to your party..."

You're not crazy. He's not a nice guy.

Afterwards I thought, this is exactly the "boys will be boys" attitude, but with the added twist of making the victim/s apologise to the perp - a whole 'nother layer of whatthefuckery.

thebewilderness is right, these people are not your friends. Quite the opposite really.

Thanks so much guys.
With an outside perspective you have helped me see sense and I'm able to movr forward knowing I have power to act accordingly in future.
I'll be going to work with my head held high!

I would add too, don't be hard on yourself that you didn't go ahead with the police complaint or press it any further at the time. All very natural. Sometimes things are so shocking, we really don't have time to fully process them all at once.

On the plus side, you are a little more prepared for a similar event in the future, and are likely to take more definitive action.