Sorry for this really long post, I've been reading for a while and just wanted to share.
TL:DR - allow people to have spaces based on their biology.
Having been subjected to male violence in all manner of ways (I guess due to my femininity, although I wasn't aware that was the case until it stopped when I transitioned physically), it's really obvious to me that it makes a huge difference to people when they're allowed their own spaces based on their biology. I have an incurable "identity disorder" but I'm pretty rational about it, I know I wasn't born female, I know I don't really qualify as a woman - no uterus, no ovaries - it's just that no-one has a cure and actually changing my physical appearance and how I sound changed my life and now I just about fit in to society rather than sticking out. I never want to hurt anyone, and invading spaces isn't ever on my mind. What is usually on my mind is trying not to upset anyone.
I can empathise with women needing their own spaces. I get totally terrified by the majority of trans women when I'm triggered. It's not anything personal, it's just that I know I'm sensitive and I have to try really hard to put people in the "safe" box, so I'm all for some sort of segregation. There's something about needing to feel emotionally safe before healing can happen.
It's got nothing to do with "gender" it's all sorts of things about how people present themselves, personal boundaries, being manipulated, body language, voice etc. I'd hate to upset anyone who is sensitive, so I wouldn't use women's support services unless they were ok with me (I did once and I made sure they were ok with me before I went. It was so, so helpful but also really difficult because I worried that I could upset people. Thankfully I can move on with things on my own now).
I live in what trans people would say was "stealth" and "pass as cis" but I just prefer not to talk about my history partly because it's really distressing and partly because people treat you like crap if you do, including the medical establishment, mental health services, psychologists, therapists etc.. There seems to be this pressure for cis passing people with an identity disorder to out themselves and say look at me - I'm normal. But I'm not, I'm not normal at all, I'm just coping with an incurable disorder and I'm just thankful that people are kind and understanding most of the time.
I think really the way forward is just to provide individual therapy for people with the old fashioned "identity disorder" and allow non-trans women their own spaces. It's really sweet that some spaces are inclusive for people like me, and I know it's hard for people to understand and people find it weird and scary. It's been lifelong scary for me too.
Although I've supported people who feel the need to change with hormones and surgery, I've met so many people who either just aren't aware or are just too pig headed to realise their affect on others. I know they're removing transness from the ICD classification of "mental and behavioural disorders" to "Conditions Related to Sexual Health" - essentially depathologising it, but it just seems right to me that actually it is an identity disorder, and there's a difference between non-trans women and people with an identity disorder.
There's just one thing though, part of having this lifetime disorder is that I just can't tolerate being called male. I'll always support people and want everyone to feel safe, and I'm so sorry I have this condition, I just wish there was an easy answer. I'm not psychotic, and actually I tried anti-psychotics and they made no impact on my identity disorder.
I just want you to know that I've also had difficulty in policing political borders, and I understand your struggle. There's a huge difference between a cross dressing man and someone with a genuine identity disorder, I've been called truscum, and had countless arguments about what it means to have a trans-sex body/mind identity and constantly have to weed out people who just "dress for kicks" or have some kind of kink about it. I understand why women are so worried, and I just want everyone to feel safe. I also worry that criminals will use freedoms for trans people as a cover for their predatory behaviour, I had a friend who worked in Broadmoor and the things she told me about the men there was beyond shocking.
As far as having an identity disorder goes, I completely understand and empathise with others with associated disorders like BIID, and also have some experience of DID, so I'm happy to talk about my experiences and the similarities/differences if people wanted to talk about that, also the differences between BDD (imagined or percieved imperfections / anorexia nervosa), "trans-racial" (not about adoption!) and, believe it or not, "trans-species", which all get conflated.
I think my disorder, and the treatment for it, is really difficult for people to understand, and I really applaud people, and mainstream feminism for its kindness and understanding.