Gender non conforming child (mine!).

[moofolk]

This is the thread I've been avoiding starting for ages and looking for feminist input. This is about my particular circumstance but more generally how should we be encouraging our children to be awesome, happy and strong.
My son, now getting on for 10, has long been gender non-conforming. From nursery age he loved the fairy dresses and dolls, wanting girls' names in games, female characters always his favourite; so far so Mermaids, right? I thought of taking him to Mermaids before I realised that it wasn't a play group for GNC kids to be themselves (which sounded very appealing), but a transition priming group.
Anyway, being a gender critical feminist mum I never had any problem with his non-conforming, if anything I was proud of his strength and individuality. However, now I'm terrified for him. He's not quite internet- ready but when he is l can see why he would find the trans ideology appealing and how easy that would be to find. I can also see how I may have 'done this to him' by not pushing gendered toys when he was littler as I saw many other parents do without realising it. This to me is more proof that the idea of innate gender is bullshit but I digress.
He has over the past years at primary school pushed this down to some extent but it is still there and he would love to be a girl.
He has very few male friends, a very strong girl best friend and adores women and girls. He cries when confronted with structural inequality and poor representation of female characters in films (which is, as you know, often).
So wimms, WWYD? I want to help him show that men can be good, strong and sensitive (his dad is!). I don't want to slate 'being girly', or push him into masculine stereotypes but to be prepared for what may be presented as an easy option ahead.
FWIW he has two very gender conforming roughty-toughty-lads as younger brothers.

Just let him be him and assure him he is perfect just the way he is.

Well. I have no children but I’d make sure he’s aware that not everyone fits into little boxes.

Show him others like him - people who don’t conform and are just brilliant people for being themselves.

Has he said why he would love to be a girl ? Is it so he would “fit in” ? Or is it something else ?

Why would you "push gendered toys" at him though?

What do you do? You don't DO anything! You leave him be. We all worry about the internet...you just have to monitor what he's looking at.

Mine is much younger but I just ask why, what is the logic for wanting to be a girl. I explain they can never biologically change and that both men and women can do what they want to.

Just because he is GNC dosn't mean he has to go all the way down the trans route, unless he really wants to when older. And its not something you have done.. see his brothers. I have a 10yo girl. She hates pink, never really liked dolls and loves lego. This doesnt really bother me she is an individual. The world needs more sensitive men anyway...

I would say look for male role models, who are into similar things to him. And I guess just keep encouraging him to be himself.

Thanks for the quick responses!
Ajas plenty of parents do push gendered toys at their kids, it's pretty much the default parenting position sadly.
Yes he's said many times he wishes he were a girl, and of course I've always gone down the 'there's no such things as boys things and girls things, you can do whatever you like and still be a boy', but it feels like it's always there.
He is perfect the way he is, I suppose I'm concerned about him hearing about people being 'stuck in the wrong body' and identifying with that straight away.

This is me and my dd of the same age. She is a classic 'tomboy' and I have been concerned about this for awhile now.
She knows transwomen through me, she knows a trans teen, she knows a lot of lesbians and gay men in relationships and just accepts it.

I have spoken to her about trans issues and told her that some people would say that she is a boy as she likes boy stuff. Thankfully she was outraged but she has always been aware that some people don't like her being GNC so I have made sure she understands that she is who she is and that is perfect.
I wouldn't hide this from him, if he finds stuff online he hasn't heard from you he might not know how to approach you about it. Make him aware of other GNC people who have not transitioned if you can so he sees it as a thing you can be as an adult.

I also make very clear to her that she was born a girl and will always be a girl, that cannot ever change, but HOW she defines 'being a girl' is up to her . She can't do anything non girlie as she is one, that's a weird paradox.

And yes, as jelly says, you love him as he is, and he needs to know you don't want him to hide how he wants to behave.

And my god yes, the world does need more sensitive men who are attuned to the injustices of structural inequality!

Thanks Malorie that's one thing I have talked about very vaguely with him and dread him finding the debate from someone else especially with me being- ahem - terfed out of many discussion and left groups

I have the same worries with my DD, op. She will only wear 'boys' clothes and play with 'boys' toys, which we have always been fine with. We did avoid pink versions of things (duplo/lego etc) and avoided fussy dresses, because we thought those things weren't practical or necessary. When DD was 2-3 she became much more opinionated & wouldn't wear the t-shirt dresses or clothes with flowers on that were bought for her.
There is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with her and my big concern is that someone 'well-meaning' will try to influence her as she gets older into thinking that there is something wrong with her and steer her down a path that leads to permanent harm in the form of hormones and/or surgery.
There seems to be a movement to even stricter gender stereotypes rather than a relaxation of them.

I would tell him how strong he is, to be prepared to be empathic and sensitive like his dad. I'd tell him some people don't approve but that is their problem not his. I'd also tell him, it's ok to 'fit in' sometimes- we all do it to some extent. It is a sensible behaviour.

Does he like gender non conforming clothes? Can you help him choose flamboyant men's wear? Many men dress really badly- there's no harm in dressing well. My DS could rock a purple pirate shirt, and can now carry off vibrant striped men's shirts. You can be a man and still enjoy colour.

If he has good friends, try not to worry. Think how strong he is already. are there male role models that could be introduced ..Bowie springs to my mind but that's just my age!

Another one with a 10 year old who has never conformed. I stood on a football sideline today and watched her play in the boys football team. I keep telling her she is perfect just as she is. I have started to introduced the subject of trans to get as I would prefer it was me she was having the discussion with rather than randomers online. She told me she has a transgender vagina which I have no idea how or where she came up with it. I worry for her and me and my reactions.

Role models of androgynous men and women, maybe. There must be some...

I do feel for GNC kids, the pressure on all sides they will eventually face (especially the boys) will be immense.

It’s all very well saying, “look at Bowie”, or other GNC role models, but they tend to be creatives. Where are the GNC men working in banks or garages? Is it any wonder that people turn to organisations like Mermaids, or choose to become part of an LGBT scene where they will find acceptance?

The choice between trying to find acceptance as a GNC male and trying to find acceptance as a transwoman - I honestly don’t know which would be harder.

I do think it’s easier for girls and women. In my office the women dress in a wide range of styles, from dresses, heels and make-up to jeans, flats and jumpers. No-one bats an eyelid. All the men dress the same. It’s not suits, but it is a male “uniform” of jeans, t-shirt, jumper. There’s one man on another floor that I see from time to time, who sometimes wears a long, floral maxi skirt (with his regulation t-shirt). He otherwise presents male. I admire him, because even in my workplace, which is a creative organisation, there’s a male uniform and although I don’t think any man would get bother for being GNC, it certainly wouldn’t go unnoticed the way it does for the women.

As ever, it’s a problem with male culture isn’t it? This aspect of it is where I completely understand transwomen wanting to be fully accepted as women.

I totally get how you must be feeling OP, as his mum the instinct to protect him and try to make things as easy as possible for him is natural but there's only so much you can do here.

All you can do is focus on being supportive and building your relationship so he has somewhere to come when he needs to. I would teach him to think critically about what he sees on the internet from the outset, explain how easy it is to only get one side of the argument online and end up in an echo chamber which only reflects one view.

Teach him to always look for the opposing view and then to take time to make up his own mind away from external influences, that people are often not who they pretend to be online and to respect the difference between someone who purports to care about and understand him through a computer screen and the people who actually know and love him.

If he's equipped to think for himself and has strong RL relationships to balance out what he sees online you've done all you can wrt the internet, none of us can protect them from it completely much as we may sometimes like to.

I agree with jelly about assuring him he's perfect just the way he is and I don't think you've 'done this to him' at all. He's been allowed to be who he is and that can't be anything but a good thing, having confidence in himself and his own choices is probably the best defence he can have against the very things you're worrying about. Sounds to me like you're doing fine so just keep doing it

John maclean is a makeup artist on Facebook, beautiful GNC man
In fact a lot of the male makeup artists are very GNC and androgynous. It sucks though doesn't it. Everything else we have to prepare them for and now this shit.

Agree with everyone about 'leave be' and I would also do anything possible to keep him away from malign people online who grrom children like him into believing they need to change their bodies.

When he gets older and has internet access I'd have massive parental controls on the wifi (can you block specific websites?) and on his phone.

Also be wary of 'concerned' professionals, teachers etc who might steer him the wrong way.

Also I would be gathering parents stories from 4th wave now and other resources so that you are ready with ideas on how to manage a situation where he wants to eg see a doctor, stops listening to you etc.

And put pics up of David Sylvia's and boy George, prince and all those fabulously successful GNC adults!

Can he articulate why he'd rather be a girl, ie what would that mean he would be able to do that he can't do now? To be honest I think I'd have been ridiculing the idea that girls can do things that boys can't for years and saying how silly it was that some people thought otherwise.

another one with a GNC kid here.
dd1 is a 'tomboy' (I really hate that phrase) and we have been buying her clothes from the boys section for years.
She and I have had lots of conversations about gender stereotypes being societies problem, and how anyone can be who they want to be, and wear what they want to wear etc.
She is 13 and there is now a group at her school, an LGBT discussion group, she came home delighted from it, and raving about how great it was. All her friends now identify as gender non binary/pangender/transgender or agender.
To be honest I don't think most of them are anything other than kids, but they are ripping up their parent's rule book about gender and declaring it a new world order.

I am at a loss as to how to support her really, I keep the door open, reassure her of my love and that she can be anything she wants to be. But it is a scary place to be.

Just to reassure you OP, her brother and sister are very stereotypical make and female, and they were all brought up the same.

HE doesn't need to change anything but I would start to "prep" him for Secondary School. Ime the pressure to be gender conforming takes a serious uptick once in high school and GNC boys can take a real pasting.

My, now 13 year old, whilst not GNC in terms of dress and interests, is GNC in other ways and it is a seriously difficult task to uphold his self esteem and his resolve to just be himself and not be swayed by the crowd, but also give him tools to navigate an extremely hostile environment for GNC boys (and girls).

One thing that has helped is that we have encouraged him to make male friends that are similar to him. The peer to peer support has been really helpful.

I have also been very blunt with him about the fact that, although this is utterly wrong, it is going to happen and may continually happen throughout his life. That he needs to find an internal dialogue that strengthens and soothes him and an external dialogue means that he can stand up for himself. That sounds a bit like "toughening up" but I don't mean it like that. I think all children, regardless of sex or gendered expression need to know that the whole world will not validate or approve of them but they do not need this to be happy or whole.

Not easy during teenage years when they are exploring relationships and their place in the world though. It's an ongoing dialogue.

just support. I have a friend going through this w/ her 6 year old biologically born son. He now identifies as a girl. At school. Name changed. Teachers met with. School board met with. This is a tough situation for the parents, for sure. They are very open minded, extremely so, but trans people have hurdles socially.