Twitter thread that will make you laugh not rage

[ElenOfTheWays]

Women are "describing themselves as a male author would "

www.thepoke.co.uk/2018/04/03/women-describing-like-male-author-funny-revealing/

It's hilarious and accurate.

Original Twitter thread here

mobile.twitter.com/whitneyarner/status/980330317247545349

I like this one...

“Her large breasts strained against the thin fabric of her t-shirt. The t-shirt had an obscure Star Wars reference on it, which I carefully explained to her, since she had presumably bought it because she liked the colors.”

I was inspired to write my own.

She was dainty with delicate features and large doe like eyes. It brought out a protective urge in me. She seemed so fragile.
Until she opened her big northern gob and snapped: "What are YOU gawping at, knobhead?" and threw a chair at me.

Me as a younger version of myself:

She looked vulnerable, almost tremulous and why was she with that man? Her back arched beautifully, tempting me to put my palm on it.

Me now as an older woman:

.

Mine:

Her body had been moulded by motherhood. Her belly was still a little too rounded, her breasts hung a little too low, her hips were a little too wide and the lines around her eyes ran a little too deep. Still attractive in a maternal way, but no longer the woman she once was.

"Her voice was unpleasantly audible".

"Her untanned legs stuck out from her skirt like legs".

Snorted at knobhead...

It's my go to insult, although I'm getting quite keen on "cockwomble" too

My favourite reply:

"She was blocking my view of the far more attractive lesbians"

Datun I wish I knew you in real life.

Stuck out like legs [chuckle]

Oh, were you quoting from Twitter?

Ah well, still stands

She definitely had boobs, they sagged because she clearly could not be arsed wearing a bra. Or shaving. I wasn't interested. For some reason, she didn't even notice me not being interested.

Oh I'm so glad someone has picked this up. I went to start a thread about it yesterday but couldn't think of anything clever enough to say. Which in itself probably says something!

Elen I am sitting here crying. Can you actually see me from where you are ?
My DH will say you have described me perfectly

BudgieInABeret Separated at birth maybe?

Maybe but only if you add old and saggy

BudgieInABeret Oooooh I dunno. Better ask a random man to evaluate me.

Ha I meant I am, not you.

The slim waist that has grown with time . . .

hipsterfun

Yes, I was quoting. I truly rolled up that.

Me:

Well below average in terms of looks, but with a pleasing, friendly smile and a welcoming soft, doughy bosom. Rough hands spoke of much housework being done and of the ability to run a clean and cosy home 😂

She had beautiful, rounded and undulating breasts. Smooth and welcomely abundant. Offering sanctuary in a cold, stark world.

And probably a face and arms and legs, but it was fairly dark.

She carelessly picked a piece of lint from her sleeve. No doubt a feather from the pillow fights with her flatmates. Held weekly. Or, given those breasts, more likely daily.

Possibly hourly.

Datun - you're frighteningly good at this. Have we discovered your true occupation?

She had the softness of someone who'd hot the Easter chocolate a bit too hard this year. I told her to smile.
She told me to sod off.

I followed her along the promenade, watching her tanned, slim legs striding purposefully towards the sea. She was looking at the surfers - probably imagining catching a few waves herself. I caught her up, wanting to tell her about the time I won the under 15's doggy paddle comp at primrose valley - was sure she would be impressed.

Nonchalantly I came level with her and she looked at me. I blinked in the sun and thought fucking hell, she must be at least 50 - close shave there mate.

She'd clearly had a wild night. Her eyes spoke of unrelenting activity, her hair appeared tussled , as if after a night of endless passion , her top was misbuttoned, hastily put on, and recently undone. As she approached her scent enveloped me. She really was a dirty girl. It was undeniably fermented baby sick.

I saw her from a distance, legs for days and a waist for radio. Her hips swayed like a broken metronome and I was drawn to her. Picking up pace I followed her down the dark pathway, a glimpse of a glint on her finger caught my eye, could she be married? Did it matter? Perhaps this was fate.....

She slowly turned and said slowly in a husky voice ‘FUCK OFF YOU CREEPY CUNT’ brandishing her keys in between her fingers like mini daggers, and so off I fucked.