Women's aid? How to ask for help

[Satorye]

I saw their page has few services that might be of help to me but then again I'm not sure how to ask for help or how to address it.
Basically I'm isolated with my 1.5 year old son, in an abusive relationship far from relatives and friends. I have history of sexual abuse and rape(fairly recent history as well)and let's say it hasn't been easy since I got pregnant unplanned and now I can't see how to get out of this situation, having no job or skills... I suppose no one can fix my life for me but I was wondering if there's some way to navigate out of this, even in baby steps.

Thanks ♥

Just checking in to say I hope you are ok and safe

Thanks @badger. I'm not so great. He's acting worse and worse. I've met with WA twice by now but the woman I spoke to got sick now.
I think I'll call them again tomorrow to ask if they can take us. I can't stand this anymore.

Oh love, I hope they can find a space for you as soon as possible so you don't have to carry on living in this nightmare. Hoping you get the help you need x

I'm packing atm while waiting for my LO to wake up from nap, I have called them little ago.
This morning we had an argument and he kept holding me in place so he can hit me after I pulled his blanket and told him to get up and help with DS.
He didn't care DS was watching, he just kept going at me.
I had enough and just leaving the place, even tho not knowing what next, feels enough for me right now. I could not stand a day longer here, no more.
Thanks for reading my posts, I apprecciate

I'm currently waiting at WA to get my place in refuge sorted...it seems they will have to involve child protection and/or social service? The only reason I'm worried is because my papers aren't sorted and I don't want to get in trouble...I'm not sure should have I come now, I feel like they don't have space and we'll have to get back home. I also feel like I'm taking other's women space who might need it more...in the end I don't know, I'm exhausted and feel uninvited anywhere I go.

You need a place, you deserve a place, you matter. Don’t worry about your papers, the first step is to get safe and stay safe. Women’s Aid will help. Well done for leaving

Good luck you are doing the right thing getting out of there.

Thanks folks. I have stayed overnight at emergency accommodation hostel and was suppose to go for housing interview. Meanwhile yesterday when I told my partner we left he immideatly said he's leaving the apartment, he's leaving country saying how he won't get visa like this anyway, bla bla...pathetic. I had to go this far for him to finally leave.

I have returned to the apartment and he told me he left keys inside, which he did not. He even told me they are in the kitchen or the room, which they weren't and then he just said he'll give me the keys. Like wtf? I don't think you forget such things.
So I told him I want him to hand me the keys today in town or else I'm calling the police.

I don't expect him to come to apartment then again I don't take him for granted anymore either so better be safe than sorry. I might put some sort of additional lock rather than changing it all together, in case he made copy of house key.

At least now I know where to go if something happens again..

If he is relying on you for visa, right to remain or whatever and is abusive to you that it on him.

He is not your responsibility.

Safety, strength and solidarity to you.

And flowers.

Look after yourself Satorye. Leaving is the most dangerous time. Definitely change the locks.

Echoing changing the locks. Most locks are reasonably simple to change the barrel yourself, or a handyman would be a reasonably cheap option if you don’t think you could manage it. Lots of videos on YouTube.

Well done for staying strong. Lots of hugs to you and your boy, stay safe

Thanks folks. So I've got long update and I'd apprecciate someones advice before I speak to WA further..

 Woman from WA told me to call the police if he comes to property. He hasn't done that but he was trying to play on my pity for him to let him stay over, which I didn't. 

 Instead of changing the lock I will ask neighbours to change password for front door(there's that intercom-thing), hopefully they'll know how to?

If I change the lock I'll have to speak to landlord and my partner's boss is renting it to us since he took lease from that landlord so it's complicated. I lock the door when I'm at home so he can't use key, close the windows at night and when I'm out.

 He also said he'll look for another place for me and our child because he can't afford this apartment since he has to pay for his room/place as well.

Problem: he said if I want to"continue cooperating"with him for visa based on our relationship/family I should make it appear like we're together in front of everyone, including WA in case their notes reach someone.

He wouldn't live here and we wouldn't be in relationship anymore but on paper.

  The reason I'm having second thoughts is because I have better job opportunities here and my family is also abusive, I left home for multiple reasons and I don't want my child to come in contact with A LOT of people in that small town. In general my home country is quite of a hell for raising pro-feminist child(or to simply live there).

 In other words, he never helped me get a job here so after certain period of time I'm here pretty much illegally until I can get normal job in Summer(when restricitons are off). He made it appear I'm self-employed on papers and arranged things but I haven't got NIN yet. 

 I think I will ask WA to let me take a look at notes they took so far(I think you can ask they said?), just so I don't get paranoid further...

Another thing is that I don't want social workers involved again-it's not neccessary, at least not what they could do. I'm taking care of my child the best I can and he's not lacking developementally or in any other way(they have confirmed that last time as well).

I feel that my legal status at some point will come in question in case I would proceed with acceppting their help. I'm just not that savvy to pull it off and I hate lying.



All I have asked from my"partner"is that he finds good abuser programme where they are in contact with me regularly to hear both sides of story and for his treatment to be effective. 

He refused, saying he found something which offers group, 1on1, clinical therapy and so on. And obviously delicate flower as he is he will go only for someone who'll never question him, that is, 1on1 therapy option.

He is denying pretty much almost everything he did, calling me as abusive as he is, putting most blame on me and acting as if I am the one who should be grateful to him for talking to me.

I cannot stand him and I'm torn between risking my childs existention by possibly having to go back to my home country or putting up with his abuse from distance while hanging in the air.

How confidential is WA if they involve child protection and social worker services? I don't have anyone to just tell it like it is...

Oh I am sorry you are going through this. You should let women's aid involve social services etc. They are there to help you and will assist you in accessing advice and services.

Do not believe a word this man says. He will tell you any lies he can to get you back under his control. You are worth more than this and you deserve to be happy and free from him. Trust women's aid they have helped thousands of women just like you.

Are you sure you are safe in your house? Change the locks if at all possible. Stay safe and look after yourself

I think you should get some advice about your immigration status from someone who knows what they're talking about and who isn't your ex-partner. Are Women's Aid able to help with this? Or if not you could try Law Centres:

www.lawcentres.org.uk/i-am-looking-for-advice

I hope this all gets sorted out for you soon.

What Assassinated said. Citizens Advice Bureau will also advise confidentially on immigration-related issues.

If you can't change the locks, how about a bolt or chain on the door?

Take care

Citizen's Advice: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/immigration/

Free, confidential legal helpline here: www.jcwi.org.uk/about/legal-advice

Where was your son born, Satorye?

The timeline suggests UK.

Sweetheart, don't believe anything he says. Go along with what women's aid say. It's ok to have Social services involvement. You need help to keep you safe and recover.

Does anyone know any legal people that can help?
Social workers?

I know there are experienced people on the boards but I can't remember their names to tag them.

Thanks all for responding and reading, sorry I'm quite stressed and can't focus to reply to each of you seperately.

I suppose I'm ok with lock that's already there that you can switch when inside so no key can open it, it makes me feel safe enough since he can't get past the outside door that need passcode. 

WA actually gave me an app for legal advice but it's like in 10 days and I've meeting at WA in few days.

Thanks for new links for legal advice I saved them and are going to try seek advice before meeting, probably will call them tomorrow or even email them tonight if possible.

(Yeah my son was born here but he doesn't get citizenship since neither of us is from UK, he does have some advances for studying here if coming from abroad I think or something not very relevant atm)

I'm trying to make the best decision for all but my"partner"literally said"If you don't want to cooperate I'll find another option, I've got plenty of"as if I'm the one who needs him?...I'm just confused with his ass hole attitude and I can't stand him going around playing victim. I know he'll get people on his side when he tells"the story"without anyone asking me anything. Even when police took him that day when he set fire, he told them something(I can't remember if he told me what)and she told him I'm"playing games"??
I am just wondering what sane person would say that after he set fire inside house where his baby was in next room??
I'm more and more liking the idea of cutting contact with him and managing on my own, even if it means peniless back to my country.

It would be good to think about all the possibilities, I think. Returning to a different part of your country, or seeing what you would need to do to stay here.

Yeah I supposse you are right, I just have to put myself together and see my options. I need to get out of my head that we were once"something", I suppose this part always makes it hard for people to focus on making decisions in situations like this. Disappointment is huge..I remember I actually thought I'm in love with him and didn't even care after that for the"deal"I came for. I honestly thought I could live my life with a stranger.

Please keep the appointment Satorye, and tell WA everything that is going on. What you tell them is confidential, and they deal with women with immigration issues often.

Please do not tell your ex anything that you are doing/planning/talking about with others. He will use the information to sabotage your every move. WA will also help you with safety planning, to keep you and the children safe.

Stay safe Satorye! One step at a time.