Women's aid? How to ask for help

[Satorye]

I saw their page has few services that might be of help to me but then again I'm not sure how to ask for help or how to address it.
Basically I'm isolated with my 1.5 year old son, in an abusive relationship far from relatives and friends. I have history of sexual abuse and rape(fairly recent history as well)and let's say it hasn't been easy since I got pregnant unplanned and now I can't see how to get out of this situation, having no job or skills... I suppose no one can fix my life for me but I was wondering if there's some way to navigate out of this, even in baby steps.

Op, I think you need to go and seek advice.
The immigration issue will be there constantly - getting health treatment, nursery, schools - there will always be questions so getting the advice you need now and then planning what to do would be sensible. You really need some back up. The fire issue is a safeguarding matter and you must to be able to protect your child from behaviour like that.
Please go and talk to Women's Aid. Good luck

Thanks all for replying.
I've finally went to Women's aid and the kind woman that spoke to me said I'll receive a call by end of the week(can't exactly remember the name of service but in lines of prevention)if not I have to call them back.

I have changed all of my accounts passwords, hid notifications and locked the phone(I already made excuse it's because of our son not to go on the phone)and haven't said I've been to Women's aid or talked to anyone.

I'm trying to be smarter this time but I'm scared there will be a catch at the end of it all.

His passport should come anytime next week or so and then we are making my sons passport.
In the meantime I'm going for interview to get NIN(yes with invoices he made but please don't judge, I will work so I don't see a better option at the moment, even tho I feel like a fraud).

I'm hoping to go to shelter at some point because I'm living in constant fear of him finding out I was looking for help and then secretly arranging something with his lawyer(he's already seeing one for visa applications and he sounds capable), probably something related to custody or press charges on me.
I really don't know what to expect from him and I can't live like this.

Only now I realised how he kept me in control by keeping me indoors and bellitling me to point that I feel guilty to whoever I speak or look in the eye, not mentioning being scared of even thinking how I'll go to work in future.

The day I finally decided to go to woman's aid, I saw him with clarity. It was no special moment.
He dressed himself up like a doll for work, had his vain and careless look in his eyes and just went on to have his day, drinking coffee, chatting with people at work, maybe dropping an eye on some women and doing work that he's paid for. He looked the same, actually better, than two years ago when I came here.

It made me cry because I'm not half what I use to be or hoped to be. And he's moving on with his day like nothing ever happened in these two-three years.

Well done you. That took a lot of courage. You will get yourself back once you get away from him. Stick with it Satorye

Thanks Tallulah. It's hard to focus on days when he's acting nice, on moments I think he's"manageable". But that's obviously not true, it's probably due to me trying to be careful these days not to mess up my plans.

I can never truly relax, always have to tiptoe, choose battles and indefinitely wonder what will happen"if"-if I don't want to be together ever again with him(because he's just waiting to eventually come back to bed, he has tried to get in uninvited couple of times), if I start working(he is irritable when I'm out for just two hours I can imagine what it would be once I'd be in contact with people on daily basis), if I want to do something for myself(like sports classes, where again he'd turn jealous on the coaches)and so on...not to mention I'm constantly stressed how he refuses to give more attention to our son. This is far, far from how I want to raise my son.

I'm scared of going to refuge being seen as unnecessary. This is a lovely little apartment with everything we need and more and when people speak to my partner they think he's a nice guy and how our son looks cheerful. Only I am the crazy one here, at least my family thinks so.

@EmyRoo thanks for the site I think it will be useful.

No lovey, you’re not crazy. You are completely entitled to a place in a refuge, this is exactly the kind of situation they exist for. I don’t have any helpful advice I’m afraid but I wanted to say again, we’re here, we believe you, we’re right behind you cheering you on all the way to a new, better life that doesn’t have him in it.

Thanks Badger. There's couple of more weeks before I get basics ready. It feels like years already, I just want to stop living like this once and for all and never go back in this position.
I feel trapped-like if I manage to get away I'll end up back here. I still don't know what it feels like to rely on myself only, which is sad given how many young women my age have their lives, jobs, friends and school/interests all independently/from their partners.

I just wonder what to do after I come to refuge...I suppose I'll talk it all out when they call me but there seems to be so many things to do.

Well done. I was thinking about you... but didn't like to press for an update.

Keep moving forward even if it's baby steps. You will look back in years time and this will be the turning point of your life...

The refuge will help you with all of the next steps. Try not to worry too much about that now, the priority is to keep safe. It can seem overwhelming at this point because your mind is going in a hundred different directions what if what if what if, and you feel like you don’t have any control, and there’s both too many options and too few, and this man has made you doubt that you have a mind of your own.

Stop. Breathe. You will get through this. Take it one step at a time - only you know what you need to do but try not to think about something as huge as the rest of your life. You don’t have to make those decisions now. You can make them from a place of empowerment and support, after reflecting on your choices that are nothing to do with him. And won’t that just be the best feeling? Figuring out what you want to do with your life.

Stay safe. We’re thinking of you

The refuge is exactly for people like you. If these men were abusive all the time Boone would stay. It is exactly because they cycle through shitty behaviour that women stay.

You and your child deserve better than this. You are a person who deserves to live your life in your own right. Xx

for you Satorye. Hope you're OK.

You're doing all the right things Satorye.
Women's Aid will help you find space in a refuge for you and your son and the workers (and the other women!) in the refuge will help you learn how to rely on yourself so that, by the time you move out of the refuge, you'll have more confidence in yourself. There might even be a service for ex residents where you can receive ongoing support.

If you can give Women's Aid a couple of days notice of when you intend to leave that will be really helpful for them. It doesn't matter if you can't but it's helpful if you can. You're right, there is/will be a lot to do when you get to the refuge but don't worry about that now. You'll get help and support and you can take your time - the refuge workers will make sure that all your worries are addressed.
It really doesn't matter how anyone else views your family or your home. You're the one living in it so you're the one who actually knows what it's like. Other people's judgements are irrelevant - don't let them stop you from claiming your freedom. And don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty for choosing freedom.
Good luck.

Thanks all for replying, I appreciate you're listening, it can be energy consuming to absorb things like this.

I haven't got a call so I'm calling this Mon.
I'm starting to get scared of the future. I have been reading a book"Why does he do that"and I'm sure more than ever he won't change. I was still hoping there is a small chance of getting back together after I would move out with our son and get on my feet but now I feel that won't happen because he seems to be already focusing onhisfuture and treats my son and me like neutral extras in apartment.

Nevertheless I'm scared of him becoming revengful once my son and I go to refuge. I don't want to see him after I leave, at least for quite some time until I feel safe but I'm scared of what he might do if he wants to see our son, which he probably will.

Another thing is that I don't want to expose my son to him if he won't change and there are no abuser programmes here as far I saw(of course I will research this better). My heart breaks but I don't want to risk my son being abused by his dad or becoming like him. I can't even imagine possibility of him taking him away.

I'm ashamed and heartbroken at the same time that I hoped to get back together one day. It feels too much to absorb at once.

Happy update: in 3 months I'll have no restrictions for applying for jobs, May announced! I can finally look for a normal job without any complications and fishy business!

That is really good news! I’m so pleased for you

Which makes me worry of another thing...I may have to delay refuge for even a whole year. I can't leave my son to be taken care of by others, I was going to introduce him to kindergarten from age 3, by finding some place where I can be with him for some time as long as it takes until he's ok staying alone there. I really don't want to leave him like that all the sudden, he's too little now.

Thanks @Badger. I've also found abuser programme but I'm not sure how effective it will be since they don't seem to call back their partner to check how much truth he has told about being abusive-I heard that good programmes keep in touch with partner to follow progress outside of the programme but since this one is confidential it seems like he can say lots of partly-true self-pity stories and get away with it, like most abusers do.

They also say abusers don't change unless you leave and show them you can live on your own and that you might not be back for good...

Well anyway I'll get a call back soon from Women's Aid(called them again today)..hopefully it'll shine some light on all this.
In the next week or two we're making my son's passport, tomorrow I'm going for NIN interview(still need it).

Things are progressing quicker than I thought. Thanks all who's following this.

'why does he do that' is really good.
I don't think abusers change v often. They might hide it and change the style of abuse so it better flies under the radar eg financial abuse under the guise of being 'responsible' etc but once the fear is there, it's easy for them to manipulate you.

Why are you worried about kindergarten?
I'm not sure of the link between childcare and a refuge space.

I don’t know if this would help your concerns but I can tell you a bit about how nursery/kindergarten works? My son went for 3 days a week from 6 months old and he absolutely loves it. Most nurseries will have what they call settling in sessions, where you go with your child for a few hours to help get them used to it, gradually building up so you leave them first for an hour, then 2 hours, then a morning etc. My son has just turned one and he never even looks back when we drop him off! He’s all goodbye boring parents I’m off to play I know some people don’t like nursery but it might work for you if you need to find a job. Just some thoughts anyway

Happy update: in 3 months I'll have no restrictions for applying for jobs

Oh that is fabulous news

Lovely why would you need to leave your child?

Well to clarify what I meant by being worried about childcare;
I am assuming that I'll have to find a job ASAP and it makes me anxious to think about leaving my son alone in kindergarten/with others all the sudden. He's very cheerful and usually that kid that runs around non-stop in groups, he isn't timid but I'm still afraid he would become too upset if something happens or he suddenly notices I'm nowhere around, I don't think he understands I'll be back :(

I know it’s a weird thing to leave them at nursery. It did feel a bit funny to me the first few times and of course you get a bit worried, but if you choose a really nice nursery you should feel completely comfortable leaving your baby in their care. They are not there to replace you, they are there to provide a caring, fun, playful and safe environment for your very precious small person. The odd time I’ve been to pick my boy up and he’s been upset or ill or whatever, he’s been sat cuddled up on someone’s knee being really well looked after until I could get there. When he’s not ill he doesn’t even wave goodbye to us because he’s straight in playing!

It’s a tough decision but perhaps if you go and visit some places you’ll feel better. There’s always the option of a childminder if you feel your little one would be better with just one person looking after him. It’s also not a decision it sounds like you have to make immediately - why not go and look at a few and get the feel of them, then you want be under pressure to make a decision straight away when you get a job in a few months time.

One step at a time. WA may be able advise regarding jobs / benefits. I would suggest also speaking to the Citizens Advice Bureau, who will offer confidential advice and signposting whether you're a citizen or not?

Sorry that question mark was supposed to be a full stop!

Hey ladies thanks for thoughtfullness and sorry if it might not sound related what I'll write, I'm bit desperate atm...
I'm feeling crushed in every sense.
My son had temperature few days ago and hasn't fully recovered, in the meantime we got sick too.
I don't know why but even as exhausted as I am all the sudden I went to google my partners email nickname and of course I found couple of social media profiles. Some newer, some older, all full of pictures of women that we wouldn't say are horrible because they weren't naked.
I didn't feel to dig deeper, I got the point(again). I confronted him about it and he got defensive and started calling me and the women whores and so on, typical.
We had sex just before I got fever.
I feel bad for giving in, I'm almost blaming myself like an addict that slipped.
I didn't feel I really want to be intimate with him but I felt that since I allowed it I should"go through with it".
I don't love him anymore, if I have. I can't stand his taste when kissing, I feel he's always disconnected and does things roughly and I feel I always had to please him this way or another(this refers to him treating me in general as well).

He hasn't changed and I keep getting traumas revived over and over again by going in circles of having hope that he isn't so bad after all and going through wake up calls every time I confront him about something and it becomes argument and violent.

I cannot take it anymore, I want to leave. I have appointment on Tue with Womens Aid and I hope I'll get better by then and go, I want to ask them if they have space for us in refuge. I'm exhausted, I can't keep going like this.

I just can't go on it's too hard to live like this.

It sounds really hard. Look after yourself and have a good rest if you can. Then you can begin the process of getting out of this and living your own life in freedom.

Get well soon