Advice for young daughter on LGB

[LumpitMcCrumpet]

I know this isn’t a particularly feminist issue but there are so many erudite women here and in some respects my worry is about a feminist issue.

Although it comes as no surprise to me, my 10yo daughter has been saying more and more that she likes girls in the same way her friends like boys and tonight asked would I be ok with her bringing a girl home to meet us when she’s grown up. I said of course and that i’ll always love her and fully support her whomever she likes. Having never so much as had a girl crush, I’m absolutely shit with advice and can only offer unconditional love. She also asked was it ok to like both boys and girls, and what was that called, I’m not pushing her in a direction and keeping things as age appropriate as possible. I’m so pleased she felt able to come and ask me about these things but she’s asking questions about something outside my personal experience and I wondered if there are any good resources for young people exploring their (for want of a better word) sexuality, which aren’t pushing a trans agenda, and Are age appropriate that I could look at for some answers? Are there any good young adult fiction books that address the issues of sexual preference in young people?

We live in a place where any kind of difference is unacceptable, I hide my ASD for fear of judgement and exclusion and I worry that she’ll feel she has to hide her crushes for the same reason, I don’t want to teach her it’s something to be ashamed of but I need to know she won’t be picked on or ostracised for being open about it. How can I support her (I’m assuming it will be more pertinent in the future than now) and I guess protect her or give her the tools to protect herself from bigotry and homophobia?

I know she’s young and everything may still change in a multitude of ways but i’d Like to be prepared and knowledgeable (part of my Asd)

Oh I name changed for this. I’m a regular lurker & occasional poster on gender critical threads.

Oh I just realised I didn’t really mention the part I felt was feminist related - I don’t want her growing up thinking she’s a boy or should accept lady dicks when she’s older. I’m concerned trans activists would attempt to convince her otherwise.

10 is very young. Not particularly to be thinking and talking about relationships, particularly if she's in a group who chat about boyfriends etc. but I'd take the 'you've got a while before you need to think about this' stance.

10 is young. With DD I tend to try to use LGB inclusive language when I talk about relationships. That way, whomever she wants to have a relationship with is 'normal' to our family. So we talk about someone having a husband or wife/girlfriend or boyfriend, regardless of their sex.

The T stuff is hard. They are very keen on it at her school and I do a lot of push back at home. She comes back saying she has a 'boy brain' because she likes Lego I say, "boys and girls can both like Lego".

As a lesbian let me say that just because she is attracted to girls, this by no means means she will ever "feel like a boy"... you cannot be persuaded to be trans. You are or you aren't.

As far as 10 being "too young" I think that's rubbish. I knew by 10 that I didn't think of boys in the same way my friends did. 10 is an age when you start to have playground crushes and "slow dance" with boys at school discos. there wasn't a single boy in my school I wanted to slowdance with or had a crush on. However I vividly remember having a crush on a girl in year 7 when I was in 6.

If your DD came home at 10 and declared they only had crushes on boys and there was a boy in her class she liked, would you think that was too young ? That it's too young to declare yourself as straight ?

Of course ten is young. Not to know who she is! My niece knew she liked girls at two years old!

But it is young to worry about who she will have sexual relations with. She has time to think about girls, boys if she feels it, have crushes and be reassured that whomever she likes is fine by her mum (as long as they are nice to her).

My dd is bisexual and as she is gender non conforming I do worry very much about the trans agenda impacting on her. Sadly this makes me glad that she does not want to be a part of things like her school's LGBT+ support group, something that was set up for children like her. She is an older teen and I think pretty confident in who she is but the 'T' is so dominant right now and bisexuals are not always accepted by the gay community as there is a fair bit of prejudice about either playing at being a lesbian or passing privilege when in straight relationships.

As a parent when she was younger we just supported her, told her we loved her, that she should make her own choices, that being with a guy or a girl was fine by us so long as they were nice and treated her well and that we'd have her back if she got teased or bullied. As she has got older we've talked about who she fancied and why and welcomed the girls she has introduced us to (no boys yet but I expect there will be some in time).

I have bought dd books featuring gay, lesbian and bi teenagers (not age appropriate for a 10 year old though!) but not looked for web sites etc.

Same here nooka. Dd is under a bit of pressure at school, she gets told she must be a boy. There is no place for female lesbians, they use the term queer. the only ones using the term lesbian are the boys. this is seriously fucked up shit and so fucking homophobic.

Dd knows my views but the pull of her peers is stronger than her middle aged mum. It's crazy, I just want a happy and healthy lesbian/bi/straight daughter, society would prefer her to bind her chest and take untested cross sex hormones.

How is this progress, seriously how?

&pipanco "If your DD came home at 10 and declared they only had crushes on boys and there was a boy in her class she liked, would you think that was too young ? That it's too young to declare yourself as straight ?"
I certainly wouldn't encourage my dc to think about themselves as potential partners or dating or romantic relationships at aged 10, no.
At that age I'd say older people tend to pair up, you might be gay or straight, but it's a long time until you need to work that out!

&pipanco "If your DD came home at 10 and declared they only had crushes on boys and there was a boy in her class she liked, would you think that was too young ? That it's too young to declare yourself as straight ?"

My son thought he might be bisexual at 13 , the amount of people telling me he would grow out of it was unreal

Weirdly no one has had the 'they will grow out of it' chat with me about ds2 and dd

I would do what you are doing OP, try and be inclusive with your language ie when you get a girlfriend or boyfriend... and keep communication open

Thank you all.

I have always talked inclusively of LGB issues so have always said some girls like girls some boys like boys and some like both. She’s also been aware of sex and sex differences since Y1 at school (they cover sex difference at age 5 here). We’ve had age appropriate procreation talks and she’s aware through tv shows that people have sex recreationally but I haven’t delved into that too much yet.

She is young but I knew at age 10 I definitely didn’t fancy girls (if I’m honest at that age I didn’t even know that was possible!) and had some raging crushes on boys. I’m not for a moment saying she isn’t going to change as she grows older but I need to know how best to support her now. For example: I fear her school friends will alienate her for being different (like I said in op it’s not the most tolerant place) so do I encourage her not to mention she fancies a girl in her class to anyone for fear of being ridiculed or excluded from friendships or do I encourage her to be open about it? - my preference of course would be the latter but she’s my baby and i’d hate to see her hurt and excluded from friendships because of this. I don’t want it to be her job to educate others. I’d never have before encouraged anyone to hide their sexual preferences but I fear for the reaction while my daughter is still so young and her ability to be resilient is just developing but I don’t want her to be ashamed of who she is either.

Ref my 'young' comment. Dating and relationships, imo should wait until VI Form. I have 3 late teens/ in their 20s, none of them had a partner until they'd practically left school. I encouraged friendships, particularly groups and we talked a lot about relationship dynamics in terms of respect, companionship etc. but there really is no need to encourage a 10yo to think of themselves as a sexual partner of anyone.

I dont understand how trailed is being naive

She thinks that in her opinion sexual relations shouldnt start til 6th form

In an ideal world thats what would happen for my kids

10 year olds absolutely should be told that they're too young for full on relationships and reassured that it's fine to not get involved.

There's some great advice on here about what to say in discussing sexuality but for young children in primary and early secondary school, there should always be the reassurance that no matter what anyone says, they're children and it's too early to be getting into sexual relationships. It's age inappropriate. Safeguard children fgs.

I am lesbian. If either of my children felt they might be gay or lesbian and we're a bit older than your daughter, I would really carefully vet info they got about 'LGBT' issues. Particularly special groups for 'queer youth' (there is one in my area).

flaming

Yes i agree that age appropriate information is important

Do you know any lesbian couples? Might help normalise how she feels for your daughter. SIL is in a long standing lesbian relationship and my kids take same sex relationships in their stride, nothing like two middle age women to make something seem safe and normal.

This book list might have something you might find useful and age appropriate.

I've had a look for lesbian films suitable for children (rather scary googling that) but When Marnie was There might be the best covert lesbian option for your daughter to watch. Gnerally Studio Ghibli films are great because of their female characters and female friendships so I'd just generally recommend them for daughters (I'm pretty sure Kiki's Delivery Service fails the reverse Bechdel).

I took the advice my DF gave my DB when he was 11 (50years ago) your feelings is all you have to go on, no right or wrong, and no decisions of an 11 year old are for life. When DS1 had questions I tried the same approach he is still not 100% sure at 17 but so what, he will find his place.

I am lesbian. If either of my children felt they might be gay or lesbian and we're a bit older than your daughter, I would really carefully vet info they got about 'LGBT' issues. Particularly special groups for 'queer youth' (there is one in my area).

Same here. LGB youth groups were a lifeline to me when I was a young lesbian but I wouldn't recommend them (or a lot of online groups) now.

In terms of age appropriateness, I don't think having conversations about sexual orientation etc with your child is the same as saying it is okay for them to be having sex. It is perfectly normal for a young person around the age of the puberty to start developing crushes on people of the opposite or same sex, maybe to start questioning their sexuality and to be curious about sex, maybe to have a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school - That's not the same as saying they are emotionally mature enough to have a sexual relationship.

Thank you all for responding. I appreciate it’s not world leading feminist discourse.

I think what I’m struggling to get across is discussing the aspect of sexual orientation without actually referring to sexual intercourse. I know my daughter has no girlfriends (or boyfriends) and if she did it would be no different to any other ten year old saying they have a bf/gf - at most hand holding but usually just ignoring each other in the playground while laying proprietary claim to one another and drawing love hearts in notepads. I know when she hits puberty it will be impossible to control her behaviour or desires so openness and discourse is the way to go to ensure her safety. By discussing orientation I am in no way advocating she goes out and starts shagging whomever she pleases. It’s just that in talking about her preference for fancying girls the language society has developed refers to sex - even when sex the act is not the pertinent issue but sex the biology is. That’s not to say I expect her to stick with childhood style crushes forever but it seems odd we could talk fondly about heterosexual crushes (so-called “normal” relationships) between 10year olds without sexual intercourse being an actual issue yet when talking about potential gay or lesbian preferences and sexual orientation, because of the term sexual used in the phrase it automatically suggests to people a ten year old is about to jump into bed with the first person they look at and like. /rant

I do have concerns approaching LGBT youth groups for advice because of the prevalence of transgender activism within them and the struggles lesbians appear to have with autonomy and respect. I’ve been called a bigot for the first time tonight on twitter but the concept of the lady penis frightens me and is one I hope I never have to explain to my daughter.

I don’t have many friends in real life and my one lesbian friend (acquaintance) is such a misogynist who objectifies women, I’m not sure i’d want to introduce her as a role model.

Yes, the current LGBT agenda does make the 'hold off until you're VI Form' more attractive.
For those who said I'm naïve, my experience was that single sex schools, and just the prevalent family lifestyles of their peers' friends meant that the majority of their school friends weren't coupled up. Friends who live in small market towns outside London had a very different experience.