What would it mean to you "to live in the acquired gender" or as the opposite sex?

[MarSeeAh]

I plan to go and speak to my MSP next week and have been thinking about what questions I can ask him and how best to get my point over. I thought I could ask him what changes he would have to make "to live as a woman".

Then I started to wonder what changes I would have to make "to live as a man".

Not many. Even if I go along with the stereotypes of "presenting" as male, there's not much to do. Today, at work as Parish Minister, I am wearing Docs, jeans, vest top, sweatshirt and scarf. When I was out earlier, I wore an anorak which was originally my uncle's. I don't wear make-up or perfume, I don't wear any jewellery, and my haircut is more common for men than it is for women.

I work in a profession with pay scales which are agreed annually, published and are the same for men and women, so I wouldn't be able to demand extra pay as a man.

I am single, so wouldn't have the problems associated with telling a partner or spouse that I'd changed! Although, so far, I'm not sure that they'd notice anyway unless I told them!

Hmmm....

What would change?

I would pay less for a haircut.

Would I get my state pension at a different age? I think I should receive that when I'm 67 or 68. Occupational pension - no difference.

To be honest, I would have to change more if I were to try to live according to sexist stereotypes of what a woman is.

Anyone else? What would you have to change?

Well I suppose I could stop being the default parent in everything.

I could start asking everyone else in the household what is for tea and when are you going food shopping?

I could also start asking everyone else where my socks, shoes, keys, sports stuff, school stuff is? And expect them to know!

I could make plans to be out of the house with the unsaid assumption that it's totally fine and everyone else will just work around it.

Other than that I'm not sure. I suppose I could cut my hair a bit shorter than it is already and stop wearing make up on the 2 or 3 occasions a year that I bother. Replace black leggings with joggers? Buy a few more shirts?

Interestingly I imagine the physical stuff mentioned above would go completely un noticed by my family but I can guarantee they would notice and disapprove of the behaviour changes outlined above.

I've thought of some other things which according to sexist stereotypes are apparently "man" things.

Putting the bins out. I do this already.
DIY, gardening and domestic maintenance. I do all of this already, have a range of power tools which I can and do use, and I am capable of assessing what I can't do, and pay someone else who can.

A change I'd have to make, or rather my DS would have to make to prop up my new gender identity. He'd have to start referring to me as and calling me Father, instead of Mother. But he may choose not to do that, which is his right and objective reality.

I suspect that the concept "living in the acquired gender" would be lost in the gender-fluid "noise" while still being held as a figleaf.

If there is to be any consistency, it can't be clothes because women can wear GNC clothes, and similarly it can't be hobbies, activities, friends, work, home lift, or any of it really.

I actually suspect that "to live in the acquired gender" will end up being "what I say it means because I am a woman."

All very points there, OvaHere, and if I were still married I could see those behavioural changes as being not only a requirement, but very enjoyable and liberating!

Being single, I don't have those options. I could make some other behavioural changes though. I could stop moving out of the way of people walking towards me on a narrow pavement, stop apologising for errors I have made and instead blame the other person, and I would start assuming women are simply there to make life easier for me.

But then those behavioural changes are really a combination of sexist stereotypes and socialisation.

Living in the acquired gender is another one of those phrases that has changed meaning along with transexual to transgender. It used to mean a concerted effort to blend in (even if that did rely heavily on stereotypes). Now it's meaningless because it's largely been replaced with living as your true authentic self which has endless permutations and means whatever someone wants it to.

I posted this on another thread, but a transman on Twitter called Steven whittle said that his wife knew he was a man because he doesn’t know any of the names of his children’s friends 😳

You could always take your top off and sit there topless. When he starts spluttering, just look him in the eye and say you’re a man. What’s he going to say to that, without seeming transphobic. 😬

Yes MarSeeAh they are really just examples of socialisation. The most liberating thing for me would be societal permission to be an awful lot more selfish. Unfortunately my female socialisation would probably struggle with it regardless.

I might start asking people about this then. Instead of talking about what a woman is or isn't - which is abstract and hypothetical for most people - and can be easily waffled away.

What would you have to change about yourself to live as the opposite sex?

And then, point out that pretty much everything they respond with is either a sexist stereotype or requires change from a third party.

I would be using the other public toilets.

I could have dumped imposter syndrome confident that as a man, I am always qualified to do anything I have applied for, even though I only meet half the criteria.

Am retired now and for the first time in my life as a woman couldn't give a flying wotsit what people think of me and have no imposter syndrome.

So, fellow posters, eventually it doesn't matter - but it's too late then to take advantage of it anyway.

If they bring in gender self ID I'm going to use the mens toilets. All the perverts will be in the women's.

You could always take your top off and sit there topless. When he starts spluttering, just look him in the eye and say you’re a man. What’s he going to say to that, without seeming transphobic. 😬

Take my semmit off?! In January?! In Scotland?! I'd get a chill.

Of course, I could always self-id as being in Australia.

I could pee up a tree (after surgery). Always, always wanted to do that.

I don't honestly think I could - I'm just entirely the wrong shape.

Lets say I had some major surgery, so I just looked like a slightly oddly shaped, very short man, then I'd need a few new clothes (I do buy women's t-shirts/jeans, for boob/hip room without excessive baggyness), otherwise, without leaning on stereotypes (I have longer hair, but it's just in a ponytail all day - like many men, I do do most of the 'wife-work'), nothing would need to change, and realistically, no-one's ever going to read me as a man anyway.

Personally I think that therapy would help a lot of people. Through my late 20s I learned to live with being short and dumpy, and fairly masculine personality-wise, that it was never going to change, and to just be a peace with it.

Realistically, most trans people are never going to pass as the opposite sex, and I wonder if rather than striving for it so hard, they might not be better served with coming to terms with their sexed bodies and interests. I know that it won't work for everyone, but I think that finding mental calm and acceptance has to be better than mutilating yourself chasing something you can never be.

Note that I'm not saying people should be 'converted' - they can still wear what they like, be interested in what they like, just be helped to accept that's fine, they don't need to do anything more drastic.

I have a gender-neutral name right down to the spelling and title.
I work from home.
I don't think my colleagues would notice any difference. In fact, I don't know if many of them know my sex, which is a very odd thought.

Do I get to miss going for my smear test next week, though?

The only thing I could think of is I could stop worrying about the walk home from the bus stop late at night which is down a dark alleyway. I always run this last bit despite my advancing age. If I self-identified as a man I could saunter it like DH does. Of course, everyone else would then have to see me as a man too I suppose....

@See yes this is a good point:

"I posted this on another thread, but a transman on Twitter called Steven whittle said that his wife knew he was a man because he doesn’t know any of the names of his children’s friends"

Ha! DS regularly tests me with the aid of his school class photo. I regularly fail.

I suppose I'd have to cut my hair. Then again, I've known plenty of men with fabulous long hair, so why shouldn't I keep it long? Widen the bandwidth of being male and all that jazz.

Upstart that’s brilliant and once the non perverse men have to cope with women walking past them when they’ve got their penis (peni?) out, they might have a better understanding of women’s concerns. I’ll just say I’m a man, if questioned. 😇

The idea that most really pass is such an internet thing. Outside of a very small number of cases it really is just smoke and mirrors.

I used to think a lot of trans men passed quite well and whilst some do have the advantage of height if they were tall in the first place it's a really interesting exercise to see them placed next to natal groups of people rather than individual photos or selfies.

The first example I can remember is the person who was on the cover of Mens Health magazine. It was probably my first real exposure to TIF and I remember being shocked at what testosterone could actually do. However if you compare the cover shot with the group shot then you start to realise it's not quite as it seems.

www.pinknews.co.uk/images/2015/10/Aydian.png

vs

www.out.com/sites/out.com/files/2015/10/12/mh-umhg-final5-2015-600x450.jpg

I think it's such a red herring to think about passing anyway. I am a woman and I have occasionally been mistaken for a man. Does that mean I am less of a woman??!