Miniscule acts of vindictiveness - a sign of female inventiveness, or powerlessness?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Inspired by the amazing miniscule acts of vindictiveness thread

clicky link

I couldn't help but notice that most of the posters were female, and there were very few 'A male I know did such-and-such' posts. So are minor acts of vindictiveness peculiarly female, or are they the kind of thing people do when they feel powerless to do much else? If the latter, are they more likely to be committed by women than men? Or is it all just harmless fun that I'm over-thinking? Seems a bit odd if it's the kind of harmless fun only women indulge in, to my mind; also, I think that the sort of behaviour detailed in the linked thread could go very very sour if continued when real bad feeling exists - just look at the Twits!

This is a sort of light-hearted thread (can we have those in Feminism?), but interested to hear thoughts.

I think if a man was doing many of the things on that thread it wouldn't be thought of as funny or lighthearted at all.

Nick Grimshaw a few weeks ago was getting people to ring in about petty things they had done to get revenge on their exes. A few of them were men. One of the examples was a man sewing a security tag into the hem of his ex gf's coat so that she would set the shop alarms off whenever she went shopping.

Neither, just a of fun, we're all female coz this is MUMSnet, clues in the name. Happy New Year!

Thanks for that info Billy; I'll just go tell all the acknowledged male posters (e.g. Andrewofg, Breadandwine, Tiggy etc) that they should piss off then

Interesting point. My guess is it's mainly women that do this kind of thing...in my experience when I have done something like this it's because I want to feel like I've had my own back over something, but haven't wanted to say something openly for fear of causing a row or unpleasantness. I think men are generally much better at just saying what they want to and if that causes a row then so be it. My ex was a bit of a bully and standing up to him over something often wasn't worth it, so I"d say nothing but then 'forget' to take his shirts to the dry cleaners or whatever. Interestingly I don't really do it now I'm with DH as we rarely fall out and if we do I'm not afraid to say my piece.

Sending you so much love

Oh you are a dear, Billy. Thanks ever so!

Yeah I was a bit troubled by that thread too. I wanted to post a link to a really good self help assertiveness course that I keep posting everywhere

I felt a bit sad that they were actually doing quite nasty things because they didn't feel able to challenge problematic behaviour and stand up for themselves

I actually don't think that thread is funny and most of the posts describe behaviour the posters should be ashamed of or at least not crowing about. If their DH's were doing these stupid little acts every time they got pissed off it wouldn't be light hearted would It? One poster describes how she used a laxative suppository on her DH while he was sleeping when he pissed her off (I think I got the gist of that right I was sleep deprived when I read It!). I'm not sure I see how that is ok

I think some of the stuff on the thread falls under 'practical joke' - stuff like the banging on the toilet window, switching lights off/flushing toilet while in the loo, swapping sugar/salt - all that stuff that you'd giggle about and admit (and is only really a problem if over-done so it turns to bullying)

Some of the stuff is definitely getting back because any other way of getting satisfaction will just prolong the argument, or giving up on asking because it doesn't work (I've done that one - the big box of things DP is too important to clean up - where everything he left lying around for more than 3 days got put - including, and this is what brought it to a head - his new driving license which he had left on the coffee table in the living room, half out of its envelope, for nearly a week).

I remember watching my MIL iron FIL's shirts once - MIL gave up her career to look after their 3 kids (they hadn't really wanted kids, then somehow she ended up with a full brood, all born with less than a year between each!), and MIL still irons FIL's shirts, even though he's retired and she isn't. Some of it was definitely for speed, but there was a level of slapdash she didn't display on her own blouses - a certain ironing in of creases that proved the shirt had been ironed, but 'oops' I seem to have also ironed a massive crease down the side of the back too...... I always assumed that was her little way of getting satisfaction from being forced to do that job.

And yes, some of it is over the line I'd say (loft insulation on the inside of underpants!)

I think there is definitely an element of power imbalance in the behaviour. I would never do any of that to DH, I would just tell him he was annoying or whatever. I do however have a range of miniscule acts (not really vindictive ones though, more things that will just slightly irk them) that I deploy against people who annoy me at work .

I read the thread and actually read aloud some of it to DH. In disgust. We have our ups and downs but never resort to anything like this. We have an equal relationship with equal power balance. We don’t have equal incomes, equal career ambitions or equal health. But we respect each other, our differences and how we come together as a team.

The petty shite just smacks of inequality to me, and being deeply unhappy/insecure with themselves.

A lot of it was funny to me, although I did think that as an ongoing campaign of microaggression it surely couldn't be healthy. I read some out to DH and we discussed our own tactics honestly, the worst thing I ever do is to give myself the more fluffy pillow (always used to give it to him). He calmly noted that he prefers the flat one. We are now in an odd position where I will be accused of being PA if I try to be nice and forget his preference

Seriously though, it can't be healthy to live in a constant state of microaggression and I think that women in generally are more likely to as a result of a perceived lack of power generally.

TAAT - good luck with this one.

I never said otherwise, and was trying to ask a wider question based on it. I'm sure MNHQ can make their minds up on the subject...

I think a lot of that thread is a masterclass in gaslighting your partner. Grim.

The toothbrush around the bath taps is absolutely awful. Dh was apparently nice too. My dh and I have a great relationship and if he did this after one of my mood swings (and there are many since dd was born) I would feel pretty heartbroken to be honest. (And then I'd go throw up.) It would make me view him in a completely different light.

I do think if men revealed they were doing such things to their wives it would be viewed in a less favourable way.

Pranks and things like hiding the remote for a bit seem harmless and funny though. Even some of the petty things made me laugh. I think we're in danger of over analysing to a certain degree. The ones that were off stuck out like a sore thumb to me. The rest of the thread was very funny I thought!

Well I think vindictiveness and PA behaviour is really the opposite of assertiveness, and women, historically have had a problem with developing assertiveness in the first place, and when behaving assertively, it being perceived as aggression

So yes, I think I agree with you that the less power someone has, or feels they have, the more inclined to more sneaky means of venting feelings they'll be

I hate practical jokes

I'm pretty sure an awful lot of the posts on that thread were lies, but god knows how anyone could want to boast about, for example, giving their partner viagra or laxatives without their knowledge. So, so far from funny.

Dotty

It's not a TAAT. It's more of a philosophical discussion of issues raised in the OPs mind by it

I get that women can feel trapped and powerless in abusive relationships (and that many men do far worse things to their partners than even the worst on that thread), but I didn't get the sense that most of the posts were coming from that perspective. A lot of the posters just sounded like nasty people who enjoy abusing or humiliating others.

Yes there can be power imbalances in male/female relationships, and it's not always as simple as saying 'what if it was the other way round', but there was also what sounds like aggressive bullying of work colleagues, i.e. the poster who described revving her car engine at her colleague crossing the road (threatening to run her over?) to the point where the colleague had to change her route to avoid this person.

I suppose that's about power in a way, i.e. the person sitting in the car feeling stronger and more powerful than the pedestrian/cyclist (maybe the only time they ever get to feel empowered)? I've had that thing done to me in the past, though, and it's not so funny when you're the pedestrian.

Black

Me too

But let's not forget that it was AIBU. Which is about 70% trolls and fantasists nowadays

Just read the whole thread.
Not all of them are between females and males though.
There's lots of housemates, work colleagues. All female.
All seems very petty.
And some of it I'm sure is made up.

I hope most of it is made up. A lot of it is really disturbed or at the very least, deeply worrying.

I could just about understand the anger towards cheating exes but putting laxatives up the arse of a sleeping current partner or forcing them to shit in a litter tray? Wiping up piss around toilets with their clothes? Setting alarms in the night to switch off things they're recording on TV?

Fucking hell. Leave if you hate them that much.