Miniscule acts of vindictiveness - a sign of female inventiveness, or powerlessness?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Inspired by the amazing miniscule acts of vindictiveness thread

clicky link

I couldn't help but notice that most of the posters were female, and there were very few 'A male I know did such-and-such' posts. So are minor acts of vindictiveness peculiarly female, or are they the kind of thing people do when they feel powerless to do much else? If the latter, are they more likely to be committed by women than men? Or is it all just harmless fun that I'm over-thinking? Seems a bit odd if it's the kind of harmless fun only women indulge in, to my mind; also, I think that the sort of behaviour detailed in the linked thread could go very very sour if continued when real bad feeling exists - just look at the Twits!

This is a sort of light-hearted thread (can we have those in Feminism?), but interested to hear thoughts.

I actually didn't find the thread remotely funny, but I know I'd be called all sorts of professionally offended if I said so, so I hid it.

I think passive-aggressiveness of some of the acts that were being gleefully described might drive me into wanting to thump someone. I'm not saying violence is justified, but it reminded me of the poke, poke, poke my dd went through a phase of with ds (she was a much quicker thinker as a child, knew what buttons to push, and could really upset him with words, and little digs, and subtle almost un-noticeable prodding).

Every so often he'd lose his temper and thump her. I'd always punish him for it, but sometimes I felt she pretty much deserved it. Because it was his only defence - he couldn't beat her with words, he couldn't find the things of his she'd hidden, so he hit out. I spent ages trying to explain to her not to do it, she got her fair share of consequences when I caught her, and thankfully she grew out of it.

Much of that thread could be described as emotional abuse, if it's true, and if it's ongoing.

Sorry, that sounded as though I was saying that the men involved would be justified in turning round and hitting them. I'm not saying that at all, but I can understand someone wanting to - and that's not a healthy relationship at all. One person gleefully winding another up, and the windee feeling furious all the time.

I couldn't live like that - either as winder or windee.

things like hiding the remote for a bit seem harmless and funny though

No, not really. Especially if the person was absolutely certain they had left something in a specific place and especially if the person is say mid 50s and over where things not being where you are sure you put them can be worrying.

That was my thought when I read about those things too, Lass. My partner has a family history of dementia, and it would be deeply cruel of me to start hiding/moving things or playing other 'harmless' tricks, leaving him wondering if it's early symptoms of the awful disease he lost his mum and granddad to. If I hated him enough to do something like that, I would not be with him in the first place.

I really hope most of those posts are made up, though honestly it's disturbing that anyone would come up with them even as 'wishful thinking'. Many of them sound straight-up abusive.

My children used to hide my keys as a joke, and then put them back. They thought it was very funny, until one day I completely cracked up because I thought I was going mad. I was really upset by it, and very relieved when ds told me. He never did it again.

I read that thread expecting it to be lighthearted but it was really quite disturbing.

I just can't get my head doing or considering doing half the things mentioned to a partner and yet considering that relationship happy or claiming to love them.

I think you will get a skewed view though as it's mostly female posters. If something similar was posted on pistionheads the confessions would be mostly men and you could do a comparison.

I think, hope, it's not a female thing!

It's small, petty stuff, by small minded people

Sad really

it reminded me of the poke, poke, poke my dd went through a phase of with ds (she was a much quicker thinker as a child, knew what buttons to push, and could really upset him with words, and little digs, and subtle almost un-noticeable prodding).

I recognise this with DS1 who's surprisingly emotionally aware, and DS2 who's more of a blunt instrument. I punish them both in these circumstances - I make sure DS1 knows that I know what he's doing, and I make sure DS2 knows that violence isn't the answer, no matter how annoyed he is because he could really hurt DS1.

Actually, punishment generally isn't needed, they're both actually pretty good kids, and talking/discussion does more than an arbitrary punishment (punishment doesn't work with DS1 at all actually, although is a bit more effective with DS2).

Hiding remotes only works (for instance) if it's like-for-like - eg. DP always takes the remote and leaves it in the kitchen, or hiding the loo-roll if he always picks it up and puts it out of reach of the toilet, or - and this would be a last resort - dipping your embroidery scissors in chilli if he persistently steals them to cut his nostril hairs... Otherwise, it is just mean, and probably you need to look at why you need to do that sort of thing to someone you've said you want to share your life with.

I don't think it's a female thing. I think it's a small-minded, stupid thing.

Sorry - nor do I think it's a male thing. Just a stupid, 'oh look at me, aren't I a card!' kind of stupid thing.

Women are less able to be assertive, as it's frowned upon, so probably more likely to do this kind of stuff before they burst with uncontrollable rage. Not sure whether you are more likely to go the passive-agressive route if you are over 50, say (my age incidentally) as assertiveness is getting more acceptable, but not there yet. But yes, I would worry about my marriage if I wanted to do this stuff.

I think it's a small-minded, stupid thing.

See, I'd rather think of it as a usually harmless response to stress that subsides when the stress is alleviated. It's depressing to think that people just do this stuff all the time for fun, or rather that they do it secretly; I feel it would be healthier if it was openly acknowledged to be a thing that both parties do, are aware of and have signed up for. All fine between consenting adults, basically (if a tad juvenile), but not if one is doing it while the other remains oblivious.

It runs close to the 'Things people do to their shitty flatmates' sort of genre, I think, which applies to men and women equally. Maybe such a thread would feel less gendered....
^not sure gendered is the right word any more. Sexed? Doesn't sound right either. Subdivided by sex? Too wordy. ARGH!

Maybe that should read, women may feel less able to be assertive...

I thought a lot,of,that thread was quite dispiriting and grim

I started reading the thread thinking they were just amusing tales of revenge on nasty exes or colleagues, but some of them were becoming increasingly more disturbing and what I would call gaslighting. I cannot understand how some posters can go through the effort to do something so horrible on those they’re still married to.

I found that thread quite disturbing. It was actually some of the more innocuous things that seemed odd to me. Like the woman who unplugs her husband’s phone every night and then plugs it back in before he gets up. I can’t imagine staying married to someone who I disliked enough to bother to do this.

It made me really sad for her.

It reminded me of something a communication expert told me. That older women were often selfless and expected to give up all their power for their families and others generally. As this became untenable for some of them, they became passive aggressive. Older women are often accused of being passive aggressive and I wonder if this route is partially why.

It helps me understand my aunt, who is frequently awful. But she was a girl in a very large family in a very poor area and had to fight for what she had but couldn't be seen to fight.

If anyone is in a relationship where they do small, nasty things to their partner on a regular basis, to 'get back' at them, yeah, leave.

Agree about the unplugging the phone charger example. Done once, with a “gotcha!” after the other person has spent 5 mins puzzling over how it could have happened is one thing, doing it regularly and never owning up is a lot more disturbing.

Well it's been deleted now.

My first partner did ridiculously petty stuff all day. He would take the babies things out of the steriliser, empty bottles of milk I'd made up, put nappies in stupid places and then yell at me for putting them there, move my bookmark so I took a while to find my place in my precious minutes of being able to read.

It was part of his abuse of me. It wasn't funny or something to post about proudly, it was just horrible.

Damn. Didn't realise it had gone! Oh well!

The night time suppository was the bit that pushed it over the edge for me. Small things like revenge on shitty flatmates (prawns/pork chops left to rot and the like) were amusing to read though, I thought, as they focused punishment on the obviously deserving. Hard to tell most of the time, though....

I do like the deletion message. I know people will think that anyone who reported has had a soh failure, but "feeling uncomfortable" describes it well.

Reminds me of Gone Girl when Amy spits in the drink of someone who says something mean about her. Obviously it's the thin end of the wedge in her case.

Got to admit, I posted on it lol-ing because of the first few posts, particulalry thing about switching the wifi off when the husband settles in for a good long session on the loo with the ipad, which tickled me because I quite fancied trying it to see how long my husband would stay in there if there was no entertainment to be had...

But then it went from "harmless pranks" to "really quite disturbing" and I quite wanted my lol-ing removed because it wasn't actually funny any more.

There were a couple verging on brain dead they were so stupid involving boiling the kettle and then pouring the hot water out.