If you regularly think "not ANOTHER trans thread"

[Jenala]

Please give this excellent blog post a read.

I'm still getting my head around the issue and this post really sets out the concerns really clearly.

Apologies if it has already been posted and I've missed it. Could potentially put the post in this thread if needed?

Bucketsandspoons

The patterns are constantly repeated. Starting in secret, getting more bold, coming out, ripping through the family‘s finances to accommodate the transition in terms of clothing and make up, the lies, the fury, the self obsession and the demands that every single thing be sacrificed to it.

It’s a horribly violent obsession. Irrational, unreasonable and unstoppable.

I know that many transsexuals are not like this.

But I’m having trouble even comprehending that something like autogynephilia could have such a devastating impact.

Although I know it does. I’m still getting waves of realisation that are difficult process.

When you read it first hand, no holds barred, it’s more than shocking.

He was clearly consumed by being trans. He was desperately unhappy. As were his family and children.

That rings bells in the case of the only adult transitioner that I've known before and after. Pre-transition, he was lively, chatty, a bit alternative, thinking up fun experiences for his kids, playing games and music with them -- a bit of a Disney dad, maybe, but good to be around.

Then - bam. Make-up, skirts, unsuitable shoes, new name, new pronouns and no other bloody topic of conversation. Two very baffled adolescents who were desperately trying to be supportive. One pallid wife who looked like she'd been run over by a bus.

I don't see them any longer, so I don't know if things calmed down after the initial stage. I hope so for all their sakes.

I think I found the thread Datun. It sounds almost like being an addict. Both my parents were addicts (separately, and to different substances - alcohol for one, heroin the other) and my experience was of people consumed by the need for their substance. Willing to ruin the financial and emotional wellbeing of the family, perpetually the victim. The victimhood extended to life in general/childhood experiences/wrongs against them in adulthood alongside the sense they were victimised by their families when anything other than love and compassion was shown.

Often pathetic and 'sorry' which generally was in fact a request for understanding and being told they can't help it etc (evidenced by their anger if their tears didnt incite the correct reaction). Lots of narcissistic tendencies too. Ability to be very manipulative and justify hurtful behaviour.

Maybe I'm making all the wrong connections. It just sounds very familiar in lots of ways. It's just TRAs can argue they aren't doing anything 'wrong' in a way addicts can't really. I've heard addicts try though. My DM would say we'd be nicer if it was any drug other than heroin - she felt she was judged due to her choice of drug rather than her addiction. There is an alcoholic on Mumsnet who I've seen make comments that people just hate her because she's an alcoholic as opposed to her clearly aggressive and unreasonable behaviour. So addicts even try same thing as TRAs. I don't dislike TRAs because they are trans I dislike them because they say I'm scum iyswim, but it's easier to cry bigot.

I don't know. I'm rambling.

It's all such a mess and only shoring up traditional roles. I'm a woman. Sometimes I wear a dress and make up. Sometimes I wear jeans and doc martens and no make up. These things don't change my view of myself. The guy in the netmums thread said his hrt helped him be more outgoing and sociable which I thought was a hint of him having ideas about what it means to be a woman. I can be sociable but would generally prefer to be alone. Does that mean I'm a manly woman? It all makes absolutely no sense.

The blood on the pad in my underwear reminds me I'm female no matter my outward appearance or personality traits.

Yes, I am totally sick of it.

Sick of what?

I think it's really hard for women coping with their male partner deciding they feel like a woman to get support. So many women's organisations are pro trans and may treat the woman as a bigot if she's not totally supportive of his actions.

jenala this is a post that might be better on a different board. Most of us know this issues but that article might be useful in chat to open other people's eyes.

It is addictive Jenala.

Fuelled by pornography. The binge purge aspect.

The joke in the community is what is the difference between a transvestite and an autogynephile, and the answer is two years.

The pattern that you are recognising in your mother is very similar. I’m sure it is fairly triggering for you. (Although I don’t like that word, it has its uses). I’m sorry if it has upset you.

It’s so fucked up. The transwoman who was on here last year said that presenting as a woman made him feel more ‘vibrant’. Just like the guy on netmums who was able to be more sociable and outgoing.

They are such fucked-up stereotypes.

I can, of course, appreciate how adopting a persona can give you license. Every actor on the planet will tell you so.

But that doesn’t make you a fucking, bloody, bollocking WOMAN.

I know this is OT but
Katelyn Burns thinks if Usain Bolt transitioned, he would automatically be 10% slower because women are 10% slower than men.
They sure can't actually believe that.....cam they??!!
mobile.twitter.com/johnno131/status/935116213457317890

So many women's organisations are pro trans and may treat the woman as a bigot if she's not totally supportive of his actions.

I hate to say it, but other women are huge part of the problem.

I wonder if it’s because their ‘womanliness’ is being recognised, and coveted. It’s an affirmation of who they are.

“Ooh, I love women. I love how they are so effortless when they do things. How they can multitask. The wonderful empathy. They’re so gorgeous. They have men at their knees with the click of the fingers. They’ll always know what you’re thinking. They instantly open the wine or put the kettle on if you have a problem. They get it. One minute they’re nurturing the babies, the next the heels are on, the hair is styled and they are working it, baby. I don’t even get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day”

Because of course this is how we are portrayed in the media.

“Cos I’m a woman, W.O.M.A.N, I’ll say it again”.

I’m sure there are some women like that. But they are woefully few and far between.

I’d bloody love to be like that. Feted, celebrated. Put on a pedestal for my gorgeousness and my lemon drizzle cake.

I strongly suspect that the women who support the trans-ideology view themselves in this rosySo many women's organisations are pro trans and may treat the woman as a bigot if she's not totally supportive of his actions.

I hate to say it, but other women are a huge part of the problem.

I wonder if it’s because their ‘womanliness’ is being recognised, and coveted. It’s an affirmation of who they are.

“Ooh, I love women. I love how they are so effortless when they do things. How they can multitask. The wonderful empathy. They’re so gorgeous. They have men at their knees with a click of the fingers. They’ll always know what you’re thinking. They instantly open the wine or put the kettle on if you have a problem. They get it. One minute they’re nurturing the babies, the next the heels are on, the hair is styled and they are working it, baby. I don’t even get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day”

Because of course this is how we are portrayed in the media.

“Cos I’m a woman, W.O.M.A.N, I’ll say it again”.

I’m sure there are some women like that. But they are woefully few and far between.

I’d bloody love to be like that. Feted, celebrated. Put on a pedestal for my gorgeousness and my lemon drizzle cake.

I strongly suspect that the women who support the ideology view themselves in this rosy glow and, with supreme magnanimity together with a little inward pleasure, allow men to assume this particular mantle as their aspirational, yet fictitious version of who they are.

Oops. Sorry. That post has a repeat in it that wasn’t meant to be there. Sorry. Hopefully it is comprehensible!

The link was a very interesting read. Also read the Netmums thread, so many broken and damaged women and children. Serious questions - where is their support, their validation of their real grief. Why is it so one sided in favour of Trans Women.
Shouldn't really be reading Trans stuff my AGP husband has recently come out after years of episodic crossdressing that he isn't a man but gender non binary. Neither man or woman.
He is slowly moving to feminise his body (no body hair anymore and growing out his thin grey hair).
Lots of arguments as I feel he is (slowly) on board the train to TransVille, and he is raging that I could think such a thing.

Datun, you are amazeballs!

EmilyHowardsWife
I hope you have a supportive friend. It must be really tough to deal with your husband’s condition

Do you have any possibility of escape EmilyHowardsWife?

EmilyHowardsWife

I’m not sure I will even phrase this properly.

But I see these things in the abstract, as a car crash in slow motion. Inevitable and unstoppable.

From what I have read and accounts I have taken on board.

And, more than anything, my compassion and heartfelt feelings go to the women.

And the extra layer? Is that this is not happening to me. This is happening to you, and other women.

We sit here, on the sidelines. Opining, pontificating, judging (the men). Whilst there are real people, with children and parents and friends going through it.

The powerlessness is manifold, only compounded by the knowledge that we are secure from it.

Our compassion must feel paltry. And I’m only sorry that we, as a collective, cannot absorb it for you and others.

EmilyHowardsWife
I ended my marriage for this reason. It doesnt matter how much you give, it will never be enough for him, and he will leave you penniless. The best thing you can do to salvage anything from your marriage is take your half of the assets and any happy memories you still have, and walk away.

Years after we split, my ex stole an item worth £10,000 from me, and then had the chutzpah to try to guilt trip me into lending him £2,000. It never stops.

@EmilyHowardsWife 💕🍷

I know two men who have transitioned, both leaving their wives to pick up and carry on family life while they indulge in playing out their selfish behaviours. I wish you strength and happiness once you have found your way through this.

No escape mid 50s with no career/money and 3 children. The dressing is episodic, he can not do it for ages then it's all he can think of. Just finished with the latest bout of dressing and have gone from hypersexual and a bit manically happy to no sex drive at all and very low and irritable.
I've visited a therapist and that has helped. Tied to him by love, affection and financial necessity and the need for a stable home for the children.
It's helped that I've set down that if he does transition I'm divorcing no matter what. A boundary that is non moveable and Im sure he understands that.

God the woman he mimics is just so Dick Emery. So not what any woman would be like.

Need to log off now but a big thank you for all your understanding and advice. I know I need to sort myself out for the future.
This isn't just "clothes" as I've seen stated before. It's so much more, but it sounds like some of you know that already.
It's great to have someone out there to share the Big Bad Secret - only my therapist knows (had to lie about that because if he knew Ive told a therapist he would be hopping mad). Good to vent and again heartfelt thanks.

Just had to google Dick Emery (I'm not British so had NFI). Internet hugs to you @EmilyHowardsWife xx

I came on to offer my compassion EmilyHowardsWife. I don't have any experience of what you are enduring but I understand feeling so very badly hurt and alone.
If appropriate,would it help to start a thread just for you, here, on this board? A place to vent and feel heard and be supported?

@EmilyHowardsWife I divorced my husband when he decided to transition, after about 3 years of total hell.

I've tried to start a thread on here in the past for Trans Widows but there weren't many takers. Maybe there's more of us around here now.

There is life after them, I promise!

Am I the only one who is shocked about the number of women who have encountered this in their real lives?

Cross dressing is a bit of a cliche. Coming home and finding your husband in your undies. It’s almost been absorbed British comedic culture.

The middle aged banker in the maxi dress.

I don’t suppose anyone, ever has a thought for the wives and family of these men.

Perhaps it was because it continued to happen in secret. When ‘the wife’ was out.

The rise of transgenderism as an ideology has given legitimacy to this fetish. It’s now in your face. It has rights. It’s paramount and you must fit in. Understand. Accommodate. Or else. The world will not be on your side.

I cannot remember, or imagine a more damaging issue.

And I cannot understand how people do not read enough. Fucking read enough to comprehend the devastation.

for all women dealing with this. As wives, daughters, sisters and mothers.

@Datun, speaking from experience, the phase when you think you should accept it and stay with them is the worst.

I was lucky that I saw a Counsellor who said I didn't have to feel guilty for not being able to accept it.

I actually had far more Counselling around making the decision to leave than he did over deciding to transition!