Gender critical people- do you use preferred pronouns?

[Lemonjello]

I find this a really hard one, being very gender critical but also not wanting to offend. I'd be interested in other people's views and also, if you refuse to use them, is it a cross you would die on, so to speak? I.e. would you be be willing to lose your job for example. Can you in fact be fired for this?

Yes, it's when I relax my guard that things go wrong. In fact, I don't drink alcohol in the company of my friend for that reason. I'd known him for fifteen years before he transitioned, including a spell as flatmates. It's very hard not to deadname without making a conscious effort.

In some cases 'they' is the correct pronoun :)

I've never knowingly met a transgender person so it hasn't come up. I would probably use the preferred pronouns as I think that's polite. I wouldn't think of them that way though.

This, pretty much. I've met a couple and I wouldn't want to upset them, and the ones I have met haven't been the activist type, they've just quietly got on with things.
I don't consider them to be female (for the mtf) or male (for the ftm) though.

It's a tricky one. I have always used the names and where applicable the pronouns that I've been asked to, though I confess to an overuse of names to try to evade having to use a "she" or a "her" towards a male, and sometimes fudge with a "they".

I do get the analysis that says it's the thin end of the wedge, and compelling people to collude in something they know is untrue lays the ground for further encroachment - today it's a pronoun, tomorrow it's the word "woman" being stripped of any coherent meaning, and onwards until we have no language at all to discuss women's issues.

But I am also not a dick to people, and, like enough, it's not the hill I choose to die on. As someone said above, I try to separate the person from the politics.

It's one of the least objectionable bits of trans politics for me. Politeness and consideration as others have said. I do think more allowance should be made for simple slips of the tongue, as it's hard to get out of the standard pronoun habits. But in general, if you refused to call someone by the name they wished to be called, that would be deemed rude and hostile. I don't see the need to be that way.

Yes I totally agree. I think I'm interested in squaring it my own head, and this has all really helped.

I am about as gender critical as they come, however the pronoun thing...I would just feel rude not to. I only actually know a handful of transwomen, and I do try to use preferred pronouns, but I have slipped up sometimes as 2 of these people I have known since they were very young, and they only decided to 'transition (meaning start dressing as a woman...and one is discussing getting a boob job) fairly recently. My god..when I slip up you would think I had literally slapped them in the face or something

I do for friends.
I would at work if I were forced to or lose my job.
For strangers, I have no idea how I would be expected to know unless they told me up front.

When they are not present, no not really, but thats for the people who want first person 'they'. I try not to use pronouns at all apart from 'you'

I also use preferred pronouns when the person isn't present, otherwise I'd forget to do it properly when they were there.

It seems awful to say it, but it means that all interactions with my dearest friend are now overlaid with anxiety about getting it wrong. I can't relax with him and always must have part of my brain shouting TRANS TRANS TRANS, because the pronouns have become the most loaded and important part of the conversation. I am very aware that he considers the pronouns, and what they represent, to be more important than our friendship. I'm hoping it will become more natural in time, and I honestly don't want to hurt him. It's just that I learned to speak in a gendered-pronoun language before I can remember, and have known my friend with his previous name and pronouns for so long.

Different that sounds really hard.

When one slips up with pronouns, it is so hurtful because that person sees what you really think.
I suppose with the spot analogy, it's like having a conversation with a friend about her flawless complexion while she is covered in acne (not a very good comparison but all I can think of at the mo).

I will call people whatever they want to be called. But object to being required to do so on pain of being sacked.

I mentally file it away as similar to someone called Suzanne wanting to be called Sue, or someone who is actually Welsh hating to be reminded of the fact (yes, I knew someone like that once...)

It's a basic courtesy to address someone how they want, and I'm happy to extend that to personal pronouns in most cases.

I'd do it in real life to avoid a scene and to not be deliberately hurtful. But it would be a courtesy.

I certainly don't do online when I've been threatened with rape because I have disagreed that one can change sex.

If it was made a crime, which I think it almost is as it comes under hate speech (?), then that could be dreadfully exploited. There are transactivists who will go out of their way to set you up to fail.

Because of that, I fervently wish it could remain in the realm of politeness and kindness. On the terms of the person using the pronouns, not on the terms of the person whose pronouns you are using.

I have a couple of friends at a (girls') school at which pupils are now able to "identify as boys", which a number are now doing. They must be referred to with male pronouns and there would be consequences for not, though apparently other pupils are on board with it all. If I meet any (which is quite possible at some point) I'd use their preferred pronouns because I'd not want to needlessly upset them, even though I'm quite irked by this whole issue.

The theoretical argument when thinking about a faceless (or indeed high profile in some cases) person online, and how you feel about this is very different to how most people would feel about it when communicating with a transgender person in real life. It's much easier to have empathy when you're face to face with someone and I certainly have no problem with it whatsoever. However, I wouldn't want to find myself in the dock if I accidentally cocked up one time. For some reason I'm constantly calling one of my DDs by one of our dogs names at the moment, and vice versa, luckily everyone finds it funny because it's just Mothers middle aged fuzzy brain. But, as difficult said above, there's often a layer of anxiety over communications which makes natural conversation fraught tbh.

I've been thinking about it some more. I actually do know a (really nice) transwoman, but have always avoided using their pronouns.

This may sound bizarre but I really really can't lie. I just can't don't. If I try it feels like it gives me actual physical discomfort. Although this transwoman is very nice, they are also very obviously male. I just can't call a male "she" it's just wrong . Female pronouns for the female sex, male pronouns for the male. My brain just cannot compute anything else. I have no problem calling them a female name, but my brain just will not accept "she"

Obviously I am just an innate bigot.

So I avoid using the correct pronouns out of courtesy, but cannot bring myself to use the incorrect pronouns, so I fudge it as best I can

I do with transwomen in RL - as I've said elsewhere, I view it on a par with religious tolerance. I'll call a priest "father" out of politeness.

I will not however refer to men with convictions for sexual violence (Davina Ayrton, Jessica Winfield and the like) as "she". They have lost the right to any politeness from me by raping young girls and children.

MorrisZapp

I've never knowingly met a transgender person so it hasn't come up. I would probably use the preferred pronouns as I think that's polite. I wouldn't think of them that way though

I know one person. I use the preferred pronoun when speaking to or about the person. I've known them a very long time and I think of them as being what they want to be and I like them and it impacts on me not one whit . I might feel differently in different circumstances.

I have not been in the situation but would most likely use them to be polite. However, if I was being compelled to speak in a specific way I would have a different view.

Itsallgoingtobefibe yes to the feeling wrong!

I have worked out a slightly better analogy. To me it feels like being in a relationship with an abusive person and feeling compelled to say I love you. That kind of icky wrongness of not being authentic.

And I also think if it were not something that could land you in a lot of trouble for not doing, then I would feel much more comfortable doing it as a courtesy. It's the threat of non-compliance hanging over my head that adds to the 'wrong' feeling.

If I'm referring to trans people in real life, I do, but I know I'm lying. It's very uncomfortable. I feel the lie rattling in my mouth but I do it anyway. I feel a bit more comfortable with 'they' but that feels a bit pointed tbh and I can't be openly gender critical in my work, only very gently so.

My friends adult child is trans and i refer to them by the pronouns they prefer

I have never made a 'mistake' with the parent or child (its only been a year) but i have when talking to other friends...but i think i relax more

I would use preferred pronouns out of politmess but would be beyond furious if i was 'told off' for doing it wrong. Happy to be reminded/corrected