Help my husband understand feminism

[yogaandwine]

For some reason my perfectly decent, fair husband refuses to accept the need for feminism.

Despite the fact I have been sexually harassed at work and repeatedly refused pay rises which he has argued I should fight for on the basis of 'no gender pay gap'

Despite the fact that his father left his mother for another woman when he was 15 and he has been a staunch protector of his mother and her rights ever since

Despite the fact that he truly believes I'm the best in my field and deserve to be paid the best (even though I don't)

Despite the fact that he acknowledges prone are people it's their skills that matter.

He still reacts venomously to any feminist 'propaganda' or comments that I might make. Tonight we were watching a programme on port making and I commented that there were no women interviewed in over 1 hour of the documentary, the women shown weee just serving tea or sitting pretty and quiet at a dinner party.

My husband was so furious with these comments that he is refusing to speak to me or come to bed with me.

How do I get him to see that everyday sexism pervades people's Norms and changes the way they think?? Help!!

It seems like maybe he doesn't understand what feminism is? Does he just view it as some militant movement or bra-burning fad?
It's sad that he got annoyed at your comments, but maybe he just doesn't realise how much it affects you seeing as he has not had to worry about gender inequality in his life?

Well you can't force him to believe what you believe, any more than he can force you to change your own beliefs. If he showed an interest it might be different.

It's hard to see him as fair and decent if he is reacting to your comments by being 'furious' and freezing you out. That is not reasonable adult behaviour.

Can he articulate why he is so angry about you pointing out a simple fact about what you were both watching? I don't know if you can change his behaviour about this. I know it would bother me greatly that he was so aggressively wound up about a difference of opinion, and that he views your opinions as "propaganda". It would make me reconsider if he was fair and decent tbh.

He just doesn't accept that a snapshot of a documentary represents real life. He said 'maybe the daughters of all these Port company owners are working magic with the marketing and sales - they're just not being interviewed.'

He doesn't get the fact that the very point is that if this WERE the case they are doing the work and getting no credit. I consider the fact no women whatsoever were shown to represent a sexist industry. And doubly sexist if there are women contributing significantly- but they were hidden from view!!

Gahhh I just don't know where to go with him!

Wonder why he thinks they'd be in marketing and sales, rather than accounts or IT...

How much does this bother you? Does he express his anti-feminist views to your children (if you have them)?

He gets it. There's no way that an intelligent person does not 'get' it. He just doesn't want to acknowledge it because that would mean changing or advocating for change, or compromising within your relationship.

Maybe get him to watch the BBC programme, recently - No More Girls and Boys. It's about how children are unwittingly forced into gender stereotypes.

It's very interesting, and fairly gentle, whilst nailing the point home.

It's also undeniable.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b092pjs2

If your husband won't have a calm discussion with you and storms off when feminism comes up you won't be able to explain anything to him.

I think some men get defensive and angry when feminism comes up because feminism feels like a critique of their behavior. The same as some white people when racism is discussed (even on the feminism board!). I have been able to explain feminism to my brother who felt that 'racism is a much, much worse problem' and to my husband who was deep down pretty sexist although he didn't think he was because he 'worships women' (sexist othering, at a time when he was pretty much refusing to do housework!) I will never be able to explain feminism to my dad though because he is not open to discussion.

If you can get your husband to listen, I have found it useful to compare sexism with racism using specific examples.

My husband was so furious with these comments that he is refusing to speak to me or come to bed with me.
Thats a very extreme reaction. He is either for women or he isnt. If he gets that angry, he isnt.
Have you considered that his way of controlling the situation is to use flattery to defuse it?

That is a really odd reaction, maybe he isn't such a fair guy after all. I doubt you will raise these issues again if he behaves in such an extreme manner.

Yes he has successfully trained you to never raise the issue.

He sounds really horrible. Both for his views and the storming off.

It sounds far more likely that he had a very particular and personal reaction. His response is entirely emotional- why? Ask him why he hates feminism so much? Sounds to me like he's got some issue with it which is personal rather than ideological.. did his Dad leave his mum for someone who called them self a feminist? (Wild guess there)

It's not our job, or your's, to help your husband understand why he should be a decent person (which is all you're asking him to be, by acknowledging the need for the movement which demands the end of male supremacy).

He doesn't want you to help him.

He wants to pretend that it's unnecessary and for you to believe it's unnecessary, because he is benefiting from male privilege and he's a bit scared that the terms of his relationship with you, will not be as advantageous to him, if he acknowleges that feminism is indeed necessary .

He's not perfectly decent if he uses his behaviour to control you.

He's a misogynist and he clearly doesn't want any help understanding feminism

Shox that really seems an over-reaction: just because someone doesn't agree with feminism does not mean they necessarily are a misogynist. By OPs account he is caring and considerate of women. We can try and read all sorts in and out of what was read, but taking as read what the person who knows him best has said, he doesn't hate women.

It is entirely logically possible for one to not be a feminist and yet not be a misogynist. I'm not saying that it is correct, but that doesn't preclude the possibility that someone may reasonably disagree with feminism and not be a woman hater.

If it walks like a misogynist and talks like a misogynist......

Luckily, in my version of feminism, I don't feel in any way responsible for persuading men to listen to my point of view. I wouldn't trouble yourself with seeking validation from him but I would certacertainly listen to his comments with a very critical ear from now on. Maybe his niceness is all on the surface.

He's not very caring and considerate when the OP made a valid point about the number of women visible in the documentary they were watching. He's refusing to speak to her or share a bed with her because she dared to comment on something from a feminist viewpoint. He may not hate women but he seems to be treating the OP with contempt.

He doesn't want to listen to his partner and he doesn't respect her opinions. He doesn't sound great. Maybe not a misogynist but still not great.

Most people I've heard proclaim that they are not feminists have used that phrase to either preclude that they are a humanist (another discussion) or spouted a load of claptrap about the natural order of things. A natural order where women shouldn't speak out of line otherwise they will be punished by a "furious" tantrum and affection being withheld.

I wouldn't be arsed trying to explain anything to him tbh. Why is it your job to inform him? My guess is he doesn't want to acknowledge his privilege in being male. Many men don't.

I also wouldn't be arsed with someone who reacted venomously to an argument about a tv programme and who refused to talk to me as a punishment for having a different point of view.

This place is always interesting to see what people think it perfectly ok in a relationship.

I don't think your different viewpoints are the issue tbh...

My DP doesn't see sexism as an issue as in he doesn't usually agree with me if I point it out and won't acknowledge how endemic it is, but I can't imagine how a comment like yours could ever lead to him not speaking to me or refusing to come to bed.

You have to remember that there are different movements within feminism. There is perfectly normal basic human decency of everyone should have equal rights and opportunities and bloody well get on with it. And then there is blane everything on the patriarchy, positive discrimination, make everything (like an absence of female poet makers) about perceived genre inequality feminism. Maybe he's just tired of your childish obsession.