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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Being a wife

26 replies

lovingthehoney · 02/08/2017 01:06

Before we got married we had sex every day. It was great for both of us. 2 children, 15 months apart, clearly the daily activity was off the agenda. 20 years on ...I thought I had cleverly re-educated him over the years to understand that mothers were on duty 24/7 for their children, and that sex had to be a consequence of love and affection rather than a duty. Oh how wrong. He's been amazing in that over time he's accepted that sex is ? Once a week? Sometimes less. but now the children are disappearing off to uni etc, he thinks daily sex is - ought to be - back on the agenda 'just because'.
I can't do 'just because.' I want affection, conversation, consideration, and then I'll want to return the affection. Help?? We do love each other, there's just an expectation gap in there somewhere.

OP posts:

PhilTheSahd · 02/08/2017 01:30

(didn't want to read and then go, not sure if you've posted in feminism chat because you don't want male opinion, but as my username suggests I'm a dad)
This may be a little optimistic, but is it possible he's not thinking it's a duty and it should be back on the agenda but more he's being a bit over optimistic/enthusiastic about things getting back to as they where? Something along the lines of wishful thinking, and him just not being realistic because he's looking forward to it too much.

(I'm not trying to doubt you, I'm just hoping for both of you that's its wishful thinking on his part and It's hard to judge from an outsider's perspective to work out if he's actually said something to the effect of what you say or its just how it feels )

Original poster

lovingthehoney · 02/08/2017 01:35

I didn't know where to post. I know it's wishful thinking - I don't know how to resolve the chasm because I love my husband very much but he pisses me off because he's so primal in his view of sex.

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Original poster

lovingthehoney · 02/08/2017 01:39

Thank you for posting ... its defo a mars Venus thing and it's so great you're a dad on Mumsnet. I wish my other half - dh - was as interested.

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 02/08/2017 01:45

It is not up to you to "cleverly re-educate" anyone; he doesn't need "re-educating".

It's a matter of mismatched sex drives, not him being wrong, and he shouldn't have to jump through your hoops to even be considered worthy of having sex with you.

krustykittens · 02/08/2017 01:49

Perhaps now that the children have left home he is looking to have back the life you had before kids, recapture his youth, etc, etc. There might possibly be a fear of aging? Does he REALLY want to have daily sex/ It sounds like a bit of a chore and we have sex three to four times a week. Have you talked to him about it or does it end up in an argument?

MommaGee · 02/08/2017 01:52

What would you need :OP to get to a pint of wanting sex every day or do you think thats never likely to happen?
Agree with Phil that he's getting hopes up but if the kids are 18 and 20 youve not been getting up for night feeds and tucking the little ones in for a while so why does he think it will suddenly change?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/08/2017 08:35

It's a matter of mismatched sex drives, not him being wrong, and he shouldn't have to jump through your hoops to even be considered worthy of having sex with you

In what universe are "affection, conversation, [and] consideration" considered hoops?

Original poster

lovingthehoney · 02/08/2017 10:51

We had a rare chat about it recently. He said 'I need sex every day.' Its the word need that I'm worried about. I simply can't step up 24/7 for the rest of my life. I wish I could - I really wish I had that sex drive. But I don't. I think I'm more normal but I may be wrong. Women aren't as geared up to functional sex as men are, particularly as we get older - Are we?? Is it me? Maybe I should have posted this on AIBU.
Many years ago I read an article about an 80-something year old woman in a land far away who had been 'pestered for sex' every day for 60 years. At which point the old boy couldn't get it up and she was 'finally getting some respite' or words to that effect- but then viagra came along! And she killed him. OMG.

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Butterymuffin · 02/08/2017 10:56

You are generalising a lot here. Men and women aren't all the same. What's important is that your husband is saying he now wants to have sex much more often than you do. You shouldn't have to have sex you don't want, but surely compromise is the answer? And part of that compromise is him listening to your needs too.

Have you actually said the bit about affection and conversation to him? If so, what was his response?

Butterymuffin · 02/08/2017 10:58

Also, it's not the main point here but 'mothers are on duty 24/7 for their kids'. Really? What about dads? You're not a bad person for sometimes prioritising your needs over the kids if they are basically looked after.

MommaGee · 02/08/2017 11:08

^^ what buttery said. Especially as your kids are 18 and 20.

Why has he suddenly decided that he needs it every day when you were having it once a week at most.

I think you booty have word attitudes to sex.
You think you had to educate him to know he can only have it once a week because you have to be on 24/7 for your teenage children. He thinks suddenly you'll lie on yoit back and think if England to meet ""his"" needs.

How much intimacy is there in your relationship outside the bedroom? Cuddles. Kisses. Hand holding. Kindness
That's where you need to start

Absolutely do not have sex just for him but if you have a happier relationship you might find you want sex more often.

Alternatively he has a hand

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/08/2017 11:10

^ Mrs Palmer and her five daughters to the rescue!

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 02/08/2017 12:45

In what universe are "affection, conversation, [and] consideration" considered hoops?

This

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 02/08/2017 12:48

My dh is similar loving

He gets very overexcited when we go for a night or weekend away

Once tried the sex every day thing

Dh kept crying off in the end

At the moment its once a week if we are lucky and i do want to get back up to a more 'reasonable ' (for us) level

I dont really have any advice I'm afraid, except compromise

Original poster

lovingthehoney · 02/08/2017 13:49

Mr Palmer and his 5 sons have been a lot busier than I had realised 😳
Dh does indeed get very excited when we have a weekend away 🙄 which in itself I find myself feeling a bit irritated because I know it's nothing to do with spending time together or having a laugh together etc etc - it's just the prospect of definitely having sex. Sigh. You're all quite right in what you say - there's no magic solution.

OP posts:

MommaGee · 02/08/2017 15:13

Look at it a different washy don't you want to have regular sex with him? Question not judgement

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 02/08/2017 21:40

Women aren't as geared up to functional sex as men are, particularly as we get older - Are we?? Is it me?

That's just not true. Every person is different. There are plenty of women with massive sex drives where once a day, at least, would be ideal.

lookatmeimsandrabee · 03/08/2017 12:49

My ex wanted sex when he wanted sex if you get what I mean. His drive slowed a little but I no longer wanted the same as him. I would sleep with him to make my life easier but that isn't an answer you should have to deal with. However the moment it becomes a chore both parties notice and neither get enjoyment. If you stay with him he will need to change his views or else you would be better off apart.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 03/08/2017 15:30

If you stay with him he will need to change his views or else you would be better off apart.

Nope; he shouldn't have to change his views. If one of a couple wants more sex than the other, they either deal with the amount of sex one partner is comfortable having or if they can't, they split.

PhilTheSahd · 04/08/2017 02:03

Having a look at this thread now, it looks like you might both be having trouble seeing the others view,and maybe there are happier ways for you to look at this.

"understand that mothers were on duty 24/7 for their children" - he thinks that the only reason you reduced the amount you dtd was because of your need for looking after children, when there is more to it than that. I don't think he realises that your sex drive is different to how it was earlier in your relationship. Maybe in the early days of your relationship excitement of the new relationship or things being particularly rosey and romantic you felt more loved or in love so therefore wanted to have sex with him more, and at some point that changed but he's been convincing himself that nothing has changed and it's just a phase.

"Dh does indeed get very excited when we have a weekend away 🙄 ... nothing to do with spending time together or having a laugh together etc etc ... just the prospect of definitely having sex" - to me that sounds like he looks forward to spending time with you but he gets to do that regularly at home whereas sex is only a once per week thing - and at home you probably have to be quiet and discreet so maybe not as much fun for both of you as it is when away or it was earlier in your relationship. Playing with Mr Palmer usually involves imagination so if he is regularly playing with Mr Palmer then you can bet that some of that time will be fantasizing about what might happen next time he's actually having sex; and that just builds up anticipation.

I think what would help you both is if you two share experiences that are romantic enough to help you feel loved but that don't set an expectation or fantasy in his mind of having sex that night.

lookatmeimsandrabee · 04/08/2017 09:27

The problem I have looking at this is the person who will have to make the bigger compromise is not the husband. Whenever people talk about compromise in a relationship it always seems to be the women that has to make the bigger change. Okay I freely admit my own experience has tainted my view but when you talk to men about compromise it always seems to be half measures with them and we have to be the bigger person, the more understanding of his needs. It is not a freaking need it as a desire and we can control that. Or rather one half of the "partnership" can.

makeourfuture · 04/08/2017 11:01

Are men really from mars and women from venus?

EBearhug · 05/08/2017 10:39

Are men really from mars and women from venus?

No. We're all from Earth.

But not everyone is good at communication. You need to talk to him, to get him to understand that you need to feel more love and affection, and not just as a means to an end. Sometimes you just want to snuggle up because it's nice to snuggle up and feel close. If you're only ever being kiss or hugged because he's trying to initiate sex - well, of course it puts you off, so you're less likely to want it. Conversely, if you felt he was showing genuine affection with no expectations, there's a good chance you'd end up wanting more sex.

But you do need to have that conversation, and he needs to listen to you. It's not just going to be one conversation and then you're totally in line with each other, either - it will need work from both of you to get back to somewhere that you both feel your needs and desires are being met.

Which is all far easier said than done, of course.

OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 05/08/2017 11:08

This sounds like me like, except the dcs are younger. The longer dh 'goes without' the more grumpy and unbearable he becomes, and the less inclined I feel about doing him any bloody favours, iyswim. Sadly I don't have a solution to mismatched sex drives, but being grouched at for days is so not a turn on.

MrGHardy · 09/08/2017 09:08

In what universe are "affection, conversation, [and] consideration" considered hoops?

In what universe are those things not standard for a couple that, and I quote: "We do love each other"?

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