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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

We only have 10 years?

31 replies

NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 12:24

I keep seeing posts on here about women worried to be turning 35 or whatever and it has made me realise now I'm above 35 we really only have 10 years to do everything.

Under 25 you're still very young and finding your feet with careers. Just 10 years later you are aware your time is running out for meeting someone settling down and having a child if you already havent.

Men dont have these limitations.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 12:50

Do you mean to have DC? Yes, the fertility differences are a PITA!

Original poster
NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 13:06

For everything.

If you meet someone young have dc and then try and do career later in life you're prejudiced for no experience ans being out of work so long.

I'd you devote time to a career then you're too late for motherhood often.

10 years is all we have to do it. All of it.

OP posts:
MissBax · 25/07/2017 13:09

I disagree that we only have 10 years, people have kids from 16-40+ regularly. I understand what you mean about things being slightly more difficult at different times but I would try not to put too much pressure on yourself. If you want to have kids, have kids. If you're not ready yet, don't.

Original poster
NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 13:18

Im 39.

Last major relationship cheated and left

Now its too late to start again.

I spent my 20s working at my career.

So now what?

Its too late.

I didnt know i had 10 years to get it all done

OP posts:
MissBax · 25/07/2017 13:22

Niki I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time Flowers and totally understand why you're feeling at an end in regards to plans.
For what it's worth, my sister in law met her husband at 39, they married at 41 and had their child when she was 42. Shes now 44 and they're looking going through adoption of a beautiful little girl.
Things are never too late, even if it means taking another route to your destination, you can get there in the end :)

MissBax · 25/07/2017 13:23

They're beginning going through adoption

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 13:28

I'm sorry you've been through some things and may not be able to have DC, that sounds really hard.

Are things OK with respect to your career though? There isn't a"biological clock" on work, luckily. There are barriers to women - with or without DC - progressing at work, but also some good opportunities.

Original poster
NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 15:11

No I got made redundant and dont have that anymore.

OP posts:
lemonandelderflower · 25/07/2017 15:13

I understand Niki and I hope things work out for you.

I wish I had realised the same.

VestalVirgin · 25/07/2017 15:23

Hmm, have you considered looking into sperm donors as an option?

I think the only way an individual woman can make things better for herself, in a society that is set up to benefit men, not women, is to get over notions of how things should be.

Such as raising a child only with a man in the picture. (Though obviously, you have to be able to afford to be a single mother)

Original poster
NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 15:26

Sperm donors.

Well im out of work. Have about £25k in savings and dont own a home. But that £25k makes me ineligible for any benefits.

If i got pregnant, not maternity benefit as im not working, no income support, no housing benefit. Id get £20 a week child benefit.

Is that a life you'd want to add a child to?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 15:32

You have your CV from your previous jobs. Those are decent savings. Get another Ok job and your finances will be looking good!

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/07/2017 15:41

You can get maternity allowance if you're not employed, if you have been fairly recently.

You may well be able to find a new job soon, don't be too pessimistic about that.

snowqu33n · 25/07/2017 15:49

Lots of women start a family in their 40s. Change careers. Go traveling. Learn a new sport. I did all of those.
You have had a hard time of it lately.
Be nice to yourself, don't tell yourself and other women that you are a 39 year old like it's a bad thing. Men don't. One day you'll look back and think, gosh, I was young then!
I am pretty glad now that
a) I didn't marry any of my exes
b) I didn't have kids when I was younger and
c) I didn't make a go of my well-paid-but-not-right-for-me previous job (or the other jobs that were not even well paid).
See this as the intermission between the action scenes in the movie of your life.

MyCalmX · 25/07/2017 15:49

What do you mean you didn't know? That your fertile years were limited?

We are trying to have it all. I travelled in my early to mid 20s, met dh late 20s and started family mid 30s. My career is about at if I were mid 20s without the travel and I've just turned 40.

I don't think it's possible to have it all but I think you are feeling a bit sorry for yourself and just looking to vent. Which is OK.

Original poster
NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 16:03

It didnt dawn on me that to get everything done in so little time.

I had no control over being cheated on lied to by my last long term partner a couple of years ago.

If a man has a huge relationship end he's got time.

OP posts:
lemonandelderflower · 25/07/2017 16:03

I find people often suggest donor sperm but it's very difficult to raise a child completely alone.

Maybe if you've got supportive family.

Original poster
NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 16:08

No. I dont have family that is supportive.

In fact I support them in all their issues.

OP posts:
lemonandelderflower · 25/07/2017 16:15

Yes, I think that's the thing isn't it - and I can understand why you feel a child alone isn't the answer.

In any case a sperm donor enables you to become a mum. But you don't get to be a family. You don't get to experience the mutual joys of raising YOUR child with a loving and supportive co parent. You don't get to share the delights and ups and downs, pride, excitement. I considered sperm donation but it just doesn't seem to be what I want ... I want a family.

Niki what are your prospects like for getting a new job?

Original poster
NikiBabe · 25/07/2017 16:17

They should be good but the market is flat.

Ive had loads of near misses.

OP posts:
lemonandelderflower · 25/07/2017 16:18

I sympathise, job hunting is a nightmare.

Is it possible you're still reeling from the end of your relationship and job? I once experienced a job loss (I was accused falsely of stealing and although I did eventually clear my name it took a long time) and I lost my only surviving parent the week later and I was in a daze.

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 16:19

Yes it's very unfair that most men can have DC when they're older. but it's not the case that in life everything (having DC aside perhaps) must be done a certain way or at a certain age. Plenty of people, eg posters on this thread, do things differently.

What might be most helpful now for you?

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 16:21

If you're having "near misses" you must have a good CV and be good at job seeking and have a great chance of getting a job.

phenomenal · 25/07/2017 16:34

If you don't want it, you don't need to do it. It's your choice when you want to meet someone and fall in love,you cannot force it. Be yourself, be happy. You will get it all when the right time comes, you wanted to make your career what's wrong in that.... It's perfectly okay.

everythingissoblinkinrosie · 25/07/2017 18:03

Started family in my 40s. Didn't know my fertility situation. Got pregnant within 4 weeks of trying.

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