I am a feminist and a sahm

[CountryLifeMummy]

I had a discussion with a male friend who believes I can not be a feminist and a sahm.
Bit of background -
I live in the country with some animals. I have one child. I decided to come out of the workplace to be at home with my child before they started school. They are now at school but as a family we feel we like the lifestyle of a house in the country and animals. Because of our rural location school is a bit of a drive away. I am very busy from morning to evening with the animals / school run / housework / laundry etc. I do realise this is a luxury but we budget well and can afford to have one parent at home.
I love my role in my family and feel very satisfied as a feminist that I am doing what fulfills me on a day to day basis. My husband is happy for me too and there is no resentment. He has to leave early for work and I am happily responsible for ironing his clothes and making us all dinner. He makes dinner at the weekend and will help with house jobs then too.
So, I was discussing feminism with my friend who discribes himself as a feminist - supporter of the This Girl Can campaign and Wimens March etc. He is in a relationship with a career driven person and he is very career driven himself. We get along mostly and I applaud his feminist views, usually.
He said to me that actually, how can I call myself a feminist if I stay at home living out a dated social stereotype serving a man and having no career and therefore no self worth.
I am confused but this and I didn't answer him as I didn't want to argue. By believe is that feminism is the radical notion that Men and Women are equal (actually I believe in full equal rights including children as well). Surly if I am happy in my life and my "work" then that's all that matters? Or do I need to have paid employment to really be a feminist?

To make that clearer, the average person (not woman) would have £185 for them and their child to live on per week after tax and childcare.

That's horrifically expensive. It's a self-perpetuating circle - because of womens salaries being on average lower, and mat leave/pat leave/childcare being crap, the woman is more likely to stay off work and therefore earn less over a lifetime e.t.c. Think the government policy is the culprit here.

I didn't say I "agreed" with 3 years of being a SAHM, I'm just saying what's what my mum did. . I think 1-2 would work for me. To be honest, I think it's totally reasonable and sensible in this country before the kid is school age, from what you've said about childcare. I just don't understand it as much when the kids are all at school or have left home - not to sound ignorant, but what do people do all day? I couldn't really imagine life without work/study/something.

[off-topic] Not that I'm all into the "rat race" - if I won the lottery, I would pay for back-to-back degrees. Maths was good but I'd love to do Chemistry, medicine, psychology, fashion design

Well, kids are only out of the house for six hours a day, five days a week - so thirty hours a week in total, forty weeks a year, and even then, only if none of them are disabled or never get sick.

The rest of the time - volunteering, study, seeing friends, exercising, reading, pursing hobbies etc.

I mean, what do people do all the time if they don't have kids. What do they spend all their time not at work on? They have more than thirty hours a week to themselves!

There was a great program on R4 not that long ago that basically said that women going out to be career women has been one of the worst things for feminism, we were now expected to keep our houses cleaner than ever before, raise a family AND have a career and the position of being a housewife has been belittled.

I also have a bone to pick about someone I know who claims to be a feminist but won't call herself Mrs. She states her marital status doesn't matter so she is Ms, I think by refusing to use Mrs she is stating she knows married women are discriminated against.

I mean, what do people do all the time if they don't have kids.

You make a good point - after work/at the weekend I basically live like a retired OAP. Internet, reading, sewing, housework, gym, friends, etc.

I have to admit I kind of see having kids as sacrificing "me-time" and fun until they're 18 though (from the threads of parents here, I'm not far off) and will be prepared for 9-5 then frantic cooking/housework/playtime. Probably why I am absolutely not ready to have them yet......

I do get what you are saying, I have just always been quite career-driven and love maths too much to ever give it up, even if it means making a small amount after paying for childcare. (I say this now, idealistically)...Obviously a lot people don't have that luxury. Remembering now the famous story of JK Rowling and how going on benefits provided more money than working and paying for childcare, which would have put her at a loss.

I won't use Mrs. It's nothing to do with being discriminated against due to marriage.

It's because I don't want to change my name from Miss Poe. That's my name.

I do agree name-changing is very outdated and a bit unneccessary nowadays.

Having said that, I'd probably do it because my "dodgy foreign surname" causes me so much grief, misspelling and "where are you from?" leading to discussions about politics I didn't want to have. Life would be easier with a short English one.

Yes, I would have considered name changing if there were benefits to the other name.

I also have a bone to pick about someone I know who claims to be a feminist but won't call herself Mrs. She states her marital status doesn't matter so she is Ms, I think by refusing to use Mrs she is stating she knows married women are discriminated against

This has to be a wind up?

I don't use "Mrs" because unless I am contemplating bigamy my marital status is irrelevant so why would I use "Mrs"?

I don't use "Mrs" because unless I am contemplating bigamy my marital status is irrelevant so why would I use "Mrs"?

Quite.

Also in my opinion the existence of the title "Mrs" is sexist in itself. Why is there no equivalent for men? Surely there should be "Ms" and "Mr". If people wanted to take the surname of their spouse they could still do so.

Interesting how it's always women who find a reason why they would change their surname upon marriage, men never seem to have issues with theirs.

I would never change my surname and were I to get married it'd be so any future husband could take mine.

I agree NoLoveofMine, but avoiding potential xenophobia is a better reason than most.

Maybe not surname, but I think a lot of foreigners male & female feel pressured to alter their first name/surname. For example, a lot of Chinese people change their surname to an "English" one.

When I went to China, we met a host family who introduced themselves as Jennifer and Cecilia (not their real names). In their own country!

I think there was a study done that people with longer/foreign surnames are less likely to get the job over people with a short easy one. I have a 4-syllable surname so didn't enjoy this news....I guess this is a different topic entirely though.

I have friends with surnames which aren't English or European and they'd certainly never be changing theirs - one of them is one of my closest chums and as she says her surname is a huge part of her identity.

My point wasn't even in regard to any posters but a general one. It's always women who find a reason why in their case changing their surname is the right choice. Those reasons could always apply to men but never seem to.

*first name - they change their first name to an English one. For example Jixian to Jason, etc.

It's always women who find a reason why in their case changing their surname is the right choice. Those reasons could always apply to men but never seem to.

I guess because it's a societal convention, women don't want to upset their husbands by not doing it, so you find another reason to fit in with you doing it. Men don't need to unless they really have a gripe with their surname, they won't go to the effort of Deed Poll to change it.

In my case, I'd like to change it anyway - I don't like my surname. It doesn't even have a nice meaning in my native language! I'm just too lazy, so think marriage will be a good opportunity to do it.

If not changing your surname would upset your husband then he wouldn't be much of a husband. If men don't need to change their surname neither do women.

No chance I'll get married unless any potential husband wants to take my surname.

'No chance I'll get married unless any potential husband wants to take my surname.'

I love this.

And personally, I feel guilty living off other people's money

I don't see it as 'other people's' money though. We both see what my partner earns as 'family money'. We are a team and there is no 'his money and my money' in our home. I don't feel guilty because although I don't contribute financially, I contribute to the household in other ways and my partner values what I do just as much as I value what he does for our family.

I would change my surname when we get married mainly because I hate my surname and had been the butt of many jokes since childhood.

Yeah, I don't really see how your husband could reasonably get too upset about it once you explain why. I quite like the idea of double-barrelling - especially when the result is amusing...

Feminists can work full time, work part time or stay at home, it is attitude that is important. However it is not necessarily a matter of choice, people work often due to necessity. Feminism is not a one size fits all

Ridiculous conversation...

Teacher: Is your husband from X part of country (associated with last name Poe)? I'd love to talk about X.
Me: No
Teacher: Oh, I thought he might be because your DD has the last name Poe.
Me: That's her last name because my last name is Poe and I from place X.
Teacher: Oh, I don't understand all these modern relationships.

*Well, kids are only out of the house for six hours a day, five days a week - so thirty hours a week in total, forty weeks a year, and even then, only if none of them are disabled or never get sick.

The rest of the time - volunteering, study, seeing friends, exercising, reading, pursing hobbies etc. *

On this topic - is it not unfair (once kids are school age/left), if one partner is working and comes home to kids & no me-time, whereas one gets 6 hours (or the whole day) off and has ample downtime?

I agree with you that it's both valuable work/contribution when one is working and one looking after kids full-time as PP above said, but if one partner chooses to stay at home when there are no kids - why is it fair for one to work but one to not? Unless the working one doesn't see the kids in the evenings and has "downtime" then, but I suspect that doesn't happen.

That is ridiculous SylviaPoe. I've read of lots of similar, assumptions women would be "Mrs", post addressed to "Mr and Mrs" after a couple are married even though the latter is an incorrect title, people struggling to comprehend that many women keep surnames if they're married (which shouldn't even need to be commented on). Then of course the assumption even if all this is accepted that a child would have the father's surname.

I suspect that many SAHP do a whole load of housework rather than actually have thirty hours, and that many partners do have a whole lot of time to themselves in the evenings and weekends.

I don't think there are that many long term SAHPs anyway. There are many who have kids in primary and one still young and at home, and many who work part time though.