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Original poster

Why do so many people make excuses for rapists?

30 replies

AVirginLitTheCandle · 26/04/2017 15:16

It honestly just blows my mind how many people excuse their actions and even defend them.

A man has been found guilty of rape after having sex with a woman when she was passed out. She had invited him round for a 'comfort cuddle' but made it clear beforehand that she didn't want to have sex with him. She woke to find him having sex with her.

The amount of comments defending him and blaming her is staggering. "He didn't realise what he was doing, he was drunk", "what did she expect to happen when she invited a bloke round" and even a couple of comments doubting what happened because "you never really know" despite the fact he has admitted he raped her and that what he did was wrong.

It's so depressing how people still think like this in 2017 Sad Angry

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 26/04/2017 15:29

When I was raped we had mutual friends. The indifference was staggering, literally nobody gave a shit and continued to be friends with him. He has been accused of rape SIX times.
People pretend to be disgusted by rape but no one cares. I even saw one of these people write a post about how disgusting rape was after Seeing 13rw and how they could never defend a rapist. They convinced me not to go to the police. It's fucked but no one gives a shit in real life.

DJBaggySmalls · 26/04/2017 15:58

I think one problem is that society and the press believe that 'real' rapists are evil monsters. The man your friends know isnt an evil monster, he's ordinary. Just like the rest of us. Therefore he cant be a rapist/child molester.

Hassled · 26/04/2017 16:02

I think DJBaggy's summed it up. Everyone knows that rape is bad and wrong, and done by twisted evil people. But then you have X, who's charming and good-looking, or Y, who's a pillar of the community. They're not twisted evil people therefore they can't possibly have done it or if they did do it then there was a good excuse, like drink, or confusing signals, or some such bollocks. It is depressing as hell.

Neverknowing · 26/04/2017 16:06

That's exactly it tbh dj the way people acted made it so much worse tbh and allowed him to do a lot of other stuff to me. He was given a free pass because he'd 'always been a bit creepy' and that's just 'him'

Keepithidden · 26/04/2017 16:35

Society has been conditioned to think rapists are only outliers, weirdos etc. When the truth is 99% are normal men. Could be a husband, son, father, teacher etc. It makes it uncomfortable for everyone as it creates suspicion everywhere men are... ...despite being the truth.

user1490100007 · 26/04/2017 16:57

Sadly because most people believe there to be different 'types' of rape. As there are different types of fraud/theft/robbery/burglary. People feel less sympathy where they believe a victim has been contributorily negligent.

Also due to the nature of sex itself, the way we are socialised in our gender roles for women to be the hunted and the men to hunt.

Xenophile · 26/04/2017 17:56

Because women are alagedly there to be fucked, so consent is seen by some merely as a bonus. And society in general tells them that's ok by making it nigh on impossible for a rapist to be held to account.

PippaFawcett · 26/04/2017 18:00

Because unless a man drags a woman off the street into an alleyway then it isn't 'proper rape' and she must have done something to blame. It is the patriarchy and we are fighting against centuries of it. Rape within marriage wasn't even illegal until th 1990s IIRC.

Japonicathehorseygirl · 26/04/2017 18:06

In sweden someone found guilty of rape was sentenced to one year this week. It was a high profile case as the rape was filmed.

PippaFawcett · 26/04/2017 18:13

One year? It is probably worth the risk then. Good for aspiring rapists to know that.

Japonicathehorseygirl · 26/04/2017 18:17

Yes indeed Pippa it's shocking. It's one thing to have a tolerant society and I am aware of reasoning that a long prison sentence does not necessary prevent reoffending etc but ONE year?

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 26/04/2017 18:20

When it's someone they know, I think there is an element of not wanting to acknowledge their poor judgement and people-reading. They don't want to admit to themselves that it could easily have happened to them.
Plus, the reasons above.

AlmaWhittaker · 26/04/2017 18:26

My rapist brother got 14 years and served no time. His punishment is that he's on a register that no one has access to. His wife was going to leave him but didn't. His mother (my mother) is slowly gettin back to normal and has told me he'll still inherit farm as planned (as firstborn). Yes, nobody cares and people will do utmost to gloss over/forget. Was it worth 3 years of police investigation/ court? Mmmmm

IllBeBackMaybe · 27/04/2017 09:45

I read this today and it made me think of this thread. www.ibtimes.co.uk/if-we-judge-sexual-assault-victim-whether-they-drink-we-may-well-declare-rape-legal-1618536

I'm sorry to hear that Alma. People always say about "false rape accusations" ruining men's lives yet I seem to hear far more about accused men who get to carry on as normal while the woman they raped gets vilified.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/04/2017 10:59

Many women side with rapists or blame women (rather than men) for rape because they rely on men for money in some way and/or they can't see their sons / husbands as rapists.

Xenophile · 27/04/2017 12:18

And further to that Spartacus, it's a form of magical thinking. "If women like that are women who get raped and I am not like that then I won't ever be a victim. This is why rape myths persist, they are talismans against the darkness.

BloodyEatSomething · 27/04/2017 14:27

If you think of rape as a more extreme version of sexual harassment then I have this to add: people simply think that boys will be boys. The whole culture is designed around men being results of their biology only, and of course the poor little dears can't help themselves. Sadly one of my friends has recently given me evidence of this kind of thinking again: she is also someone who gets annoyed when challenged because she isn't brainwashed.

Railgunner1 · 27/04/2017 14:33

Rapists are rarely creepy old men lurking behind bushes in dark parks. They are co-workers, classmates, friends, family members, guys with respectable professions and families -- those who nobody would believe that they're capable of RAPE

Raffles1981 · 27/04/2017 14:50

I was raped at a Christmas party, by a man who had only met me hours earlier. His wife worked with my husband (now ex husband) I didn't even know his name. I said nothing, only my counselor some years later, told no one. Why? Because I had a colourful history - I had many one night stands over the years, many flings, before settling down. I honestly thought no one would believe me. And I was dressed in a very short dress and high heels. I believe I thought that way, simply because I have seen too many women being dragged through the mud when taking a rapist to court. The woman is often made to feel like their past shaped their rape. Did I deserve it, simply because I had given myself up freely to many men before settling down? Because I chose to wear a dress that showed a lot of leg? He dragged me around to the back of a building forced me to bend over and took my dignity, my pride, my sense of self - my self worth - all of it, just so he could get his rocks off. Because he decided that because he fancied me, he could just take me. Something needs to change, something needs to give and only then will men stop thinking with a primal urge, that they can just take what they want. There are so many sides to this dark argument but you know what? It will never change. I would never have withstood the personal scrutiny, the judgement I alone would have faced, simply because he decided I was for the taking. I am one of the lucky few, I have an amazing counselor who has seen me through many a dark time and a new man in my life who knows about the rape and gives me love and strength, no matter what. This is his dirty little secret, not mine. I saw him, some years after the event - in broad daylight, at a fare and he was with his wife and young children. I stared that bastard down. He was sweating, shaking, could not look me in the eye, probably terrified I would say something. That was enough for me. I just hope no one ever treats his daughter, the way he treated me that night. Do I worry he will/or has done it again? Of course I do. But I chose the safest route for me at the time. Self preservation. I am not his victim, I am a survivor. I was abused as a child, so that little fucker will not hold me down. Attitudes need to change, the way cases are handled, need to change. Only then will men realise (and some women) that rape is not okay, it is punishable and must be stopped.

Neverknowing · 27/04/2017 15:00

Wow raffles that's awful. You seem so strong, I can't imagine having to feel like that. Rape isn't considered a had thing because men are entitled to women's bodies, to sex. It's fucked up I don't know how we will ever change this.

Raffles1981 · 27/04/2017 15:06

Neverknowing, spot on. All through history, it was documented that women were ''not to enjoy sex'' and ''simply give your husband what he wants, for his pleasure not yours'' Rapists are beasts. Simple as. But I agree, it feels like this attitude will never change. If my child is a man, I will teach him to respect women and more importantly, himself. And if I have a girl, I will teach her to defend herself, back away from something that does not feel right. But we cannot protect our children forever can we? I made the mistake of stepping out for some fresh air that night. That was my biggest mistake. Not the wine I had drunk, not the dress I wore. But no way would I have been made to feel that it was okay when it came to court. I don't believe enough is done to protect women who are raped. And too much is made of women who lie and say they were raped. Its a screwed up world. And it sucks that I can go to a gay wedding these days but I cannot go to the police and tell them I was raped.

PippaFawcett · 27/04/2017 15:06

Raffles, I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through. I think rape is so much about control, rather than sexual desire. You absolutely didn't deserve what happened to you, as you know, but you are right, society thinks we are part of the problem. I'm glad you have found a DP who is supportive and your counsellor sounds good too.

SteppingOnToes · 27/04/2017 15:10

People don't want to admit they are a poor judge of character or admit that equally it could have happened to them

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2017 00:08

BloodyEatSomething Thu 27-Apr-17 14:27:12
If you think of rape as a more extreme version of sexual harassment then I have this to add: people simply think that boys will be boys.

There is a thread on AIBU about a girl who is being punished at school because she swore at a boy who was miming a sex act with his tongue and fingers at her in class against her will.

It is all just awful.

KindDogsTail · 28/04/2017 00:12

I have just read your post Raffles. I am so sorry that man did that to you.Flowers You are very strong. I am glad he looked sweaty and nervous. What an utterly pathetic creep he is.

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