I feel so alone. Nobody around me holds the same views and it is everywhere I go.

[Splandy]

I identify as a feminist, hurrah! But this doesn't seem to help my life in any way. It means that I notice all of the shit and don't have a single friend who has similar thoughts and opinions to me. I try so hard to stay upbeat, but as soon as I go out the door and into the real world the shit is shoved in my face. I want to stay in and lock the door.

I took my 15 month old to a local toddler group yesterday, which is the first one I've been to. It was quite a big deal for me to do this, I've been feeling anxious about going out. I didn't expect anything amazing and the people were friendly enough, but I didn't fit in. It was obvious the second I walked in. My son was pushing around a little pink pram - he loves to push things and crawl behind them. One of the other moms said "oh, you won't want to send that photo to daddy!" and everybody laughed. I didn't understand what she meant at first, but then I realised. Not only was my son pushing a pram, but a pink one. Doesn't he know he has a penis?! I didn't say anything. Not saying anything has really played on my mind. I just looked away. She didn't mean anything by it and I doubt she's ever questioned it. It's so normal to her that she was using it as a way to break the ice, almost. I should have said something but I'm not confrontational and I'd just walked into a roomful of people who all know each other.

I am so, so tired of trying to meet people and invite people over only to realise that we are not at all similar and I can't truly be myself or talk about things with them. I invited a friend over last week, thinking it would cheer me up a bit, but I just realised that she doesn't know me that well at all and I hold back because it would just be uncomfortable.

I live on a rough council estate in a 'deprived' area. That's where this toddler group was held. Part of me wonders whether it is to be expected and I would need to move to a middle class area to find what I'm looking for. Is that true? I hope not. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I had one friend at school who was a brilliant, intelligent feminist, even then. We lost touch mostly, just facebook friends. She would've remembered me very differently to person I am now. I found her facebook posts to be very reassuring because she had lived here too and had the same opinions as me. Not only that, but she really lived it. Even though we didn't see each other anymore and she had moved away, knowing she was out there made me feel better. I was going to contact her and then she suddenly died. This was last year and I was distraught. The grief I felt was really over the top for a woman I hadn't seen or spoken to in years. She was only in her twenties and she was the most intelligent person I've ever known

What am I supposed to do?

Do any of the local colleges/uni have a parents' group that you could join, even though you're not actually enrolled?

Aw splandy. You sound like you need a friend. I felt very much like you when I first moved to the (very naice middle class fwiw) place I live now and I felt like it for a while. Then I met a kindred spirit and then an actual proper feminist and it made all the difference!
Toddler groups can be very cliquey and they suck imo.
Erm. Don't have any real advice other than hang in there. Wish I lived closer, I would be your friend

You could join a political party? You'd meet people with similar views and if you went out leafletting/canvassing etc, you might feel like you were trying to steer the world away from the shithole it's rapidly becoming.
Er, yeah, i'm a little ray of sunshine...

We moved to a new area when my children were young and I joined the national women's register. There were women from all walks of life there, it worked well for me as I could never get on with mother and baby groups and suchlike.

What about volunteering? There are lots of charities and social enterprises and community interest groups and organsiations where you are more likely to find broad-minded, left-leaning but not exclusively middle class people volunteering too. If you pick the right organisation or project you could meet some people that way. I realise that might be difficult until your baby is at pre-school.

You could also look at www.wea.org.uk

I totally identify. It's very hard.

Why don't you think about some topics that interest you, and then you start a thread here and say you are in so-and-so town and would like to bring up topic this-and-that to discuss here on mumsnet. Then people will start to respond. You'll get a feeling for if someone (some user id, that is) seems more likeable and you could pm them here on mumsnet. If you get along, you could add that person(s) on Facebook.

The driving is another issue, that I somehow recognise although I have a drivers license myself - it's too embarrassing to talk about why and how I almost entirely forgot how to drive. Don't ever let that happen to you! At my job, this happened to three other women on my team, too. Insane.

Can you get in touch with your local NCT group? I found them so supportive. But also because the group (volunteers that organise shit) we intrested in suppprting women's rights it was quite a feministy orgqnisation.

OP Grief is awful, treat yourself gently. Parenting can be relentless. You are doing the right thing getting out of the house, keep on keeping at it with a few different groups.
You sound like you need to give yourself a break. You said a few things like: I'm letting the side down.
OK. That's not fair to yourself. You are part of a powerful and diverse 'side' and you always have been. You will have already made a massive difference in people's lives by acting on that politics or expressing your feminist views. Your own, your kids', other people's lives have been impacted.

I have done and said (or accepted without challenging) loads of crap that I wish I hadn't, from a feminist perspective. This was out of nerves and shyness and etc etc. Often connected to the confidence knock that being a mother in a patriarchal, capitalist society had given me.

Not to mention the decades of shit that i took and perpetuated myself before inching myself slowly and painfully towards a bit more feminist understanding of WTF was going on. (MN has helped) I feel there's a reason some people talk about the 'struggle' politically. It is tough and always a work in progress.

Plus We'll probably all, always, have slightly different views on the 'right' response to these things, because this is politics. So give yourself a bit more acceptance whether or how you challenge the crap or if you let it go. You don't need to live, or say, the (subjectively) perfect political response, all the time. Nobody else is doing that.

Your views are your views, nothing's changed about that because you let a clumsy (but sounds like friendly-meant.. ) comment from a stranger slide. The important thing is to care for yourself, keep strong enough to get out there and keep meeting people and then you will soon click with someone.

If you haven't already, also do give yourself permission to have different friends or people in your life who you allow to see different (or only limited) sides of you too, without it feeling somehow wrong or 'inauthentic'.

You should eg hear the shite I let pass in my workplace because I need the job. Or among my family adults because I know I can't change them and my energy is finite and is far better spent on my DC, me, my DH. But I tell myself I'm not going to judge myself for doing that, it's hard enough already. Good luck.

When it comes to other people whose views seem very different to yours, try and take it lightly. Not because it doesn't matter, but because you will have more in common than what separates you.

Someone may have many strongly held ethical opinions that you don't share- she could be vegetarian, religious, Would that mean you couldn't be friends? It's an opportunity to soften each other's opinions, or help each other be more open minded.

At a toddler group, most people there will be worrying a bit about sleeping patterns, feeding, behaviour, relationships with other family members. You'll have lots to talk about even though you have a different outlook on lots of things. Most people don't actually believe half of what they say, it's just repeating things they've heard other people say.

Join some groups where people may share your views (Green Party?), work on finding out what you have in common with people who feel different at first.

It's always tough finding friends as an adult. TBH I don't bother these days, but then I'm old and grumpy and have always been a loner. I stick to pleasantries with people in real life, and save my proper conversations for the internet.

You'll need to either let this stuff fall off your back and make conversation about other things (and this can happen in any group - I went to one once where grapes, rice cakes and semi-skimmed milk was handed out, and my DS1 loudly asked where the real food was, could he have more grapes, and why did this milk taste funny like water) - you've just, somehow (and I've never really managed it) got to try and find a group where enough of the interests and opinions match your own that you don't feel on the edge of your seat all the time.

It does get better, and you might be surprised at how much you do have in common with those women you met. Caring for small children is just relentless (as others have said).

If you persevered with the toddler group my personal view of hell you might at some point be able to suggest that you do an activity with your musical talents.

I also live in one of the most deprived areas in Europe, it voted overwhelmingly for Brexit too and I also wondered what on earth I might have in common with people who helped to make that stupid and ill thought out decision, but I have made friends with all kinds of people for all kinds of different reasons.

All I'm saying is, give it time and give yourself a chance.

Splandy, if you like maths you should study it, and not go aim for being an accountant, which btw are among the jobs that'll be automated in the future. A lot of older people study math, I took a class when I was around 48 or something, the oldest guy was a pensioner who wanted to help his children with their homework. That said, most were in their thirties. If you have a talent for it, you should go for it, and perhaps combine it with computer science.

I thought I deleted "aim" when I edited, sorry. ...

My post was totally irrelevant, sorry. I don't think the thread could have loaded when I commented.

Splandy

Your experience is very similar to my own. I grew up (and indeed still live) in a very rough area. I had my first child at 18. People always thought I was stuck up. It was incredibly alienating. I am proud of my roots, I was never ashamed of were I lived and what my background was but at the same time I was so removed from it some times. Neither of my parents had any formal education past high school but raised me very politically as my dad was a shop steward and my mum heavily involved with the CND.

It's an odd position to be in, on one hand I felt like my contemporaries were a shower of dickheads on the other I would have been loathe to deny my roots and be more "middle class". My town doesn't have a middle class really but there are more affluent areas and engaging with groups etc there left me feeling just as alienated but for different reasons.

All I can say is that I did eventually make friends with people from my area who are like me. My best friend to this day was also a teenage single mother from my area, we go on demos together now and rant about patriarchy and the follies of libfems whenever something winds us up, I met her a couple of years after my oldest was born. I have other friends from the area, not all agree with my politics or share my interests but nor do they sneer and think I am a snob for caring. I got an education and a professional qualification and I have been in the financial position to move to a 'nicer' area for a couple of years now but have decided against it. I am quite comfortable with where I live now, it might be dog rough but it's my community and my kids are happy here.

When I went back to college I hated people there more than at the play groups. It was full of people like me (poor with young children) who thought they were intrinsically better than there neighbours. Cue lots of slating of "benefit mothers" and "that woman down the road". They never saw the hypocrisy in what they were saying. It drove me fucking mad. I did find one like minded friend though.

I would still highly recommend it though, just don't get your hopes up that you will meet like minded people.

That's the nature of these groups though, just because you have all recently had a child, doesn't mean you will have anything more in common with the members than that.

Keep trying to find your tribe. Don't feel like you have to censor yourself to suit others, the more you practice just going, managing your expectations of what you will find, the easier it will be and the happier you will be.

Maybe look for something outside of the regular kids groups, I used to be really regular with my timetable, a cafe at a certain time, the library on a certain day, the pool etc. Go to places you enjoy. If you keep showing up, folk will recognise you and friendships will happen. Xx

I agree with don't censor yourself. It can and will make it hard going making friends but it is also a useful quality control - that is those who cannot stand the unadulterated you aren't really going to be suitable friends.

(I am trying to see if this will work for jobseeking - it's probably going to make it longer...)