I feel so alone. Nobody around me holds the same views and it is everywhere I go.

[Splandy]

I identify as a feminist, hurrah! But this doesn't seem to help my life in any way. It means that I notice all of the shit and don't have a single friend who has similar thoughts and opinions to me. I try so hard to stay upbeat, but as soon as I go out the door and into the real world the shit is shoved in my face. I want to stay in and lock the door.

I took my 15 month old to a local toddler group yesterday, which is the first one I've been to. It was quite a big deal for me to do this, I've been feeling anxious about going out. I didn't expect anything amazing and the people were friendly enough, but I didn't fit in. It was obvious the second I walked in. My son was pushing around a little pink pram - he loves to push things and crawl behind them. One of the other moms said "oh, you won't want to send that photo to daddy!" and everybody laughed. I didn't understand what she meant at first, but then I realised. Not only was my son pushing a pram, but a pink one. Doesn't he know he has a penis?! I didn't say anything. Not saying anything has really played on my mind. I just looked away. She didn't mean anything by it and I doubt she's ever questioned it. It's so normal to her that she was using it as a way to break the ice, almost. I should have said something but I'm not confrontational and I'd just walked into a roomful of people who all know each other.

I am so, so tired of trying to meet people and invite people over only to realise that we are not at all similar and I can't truly be myself or talk about things with them. I invited a friend over last week, thinking it would cheer me up a bit, but I just realised that she doesn't know me that well at all and I hold back because it would just be uncomfortable.

I live on a rough council estate in a 'deprived' area. That's where this toddler group was held. Part of me wonders whether it is to be expected and I would need to move to a middle class area to find what I'm looking for. Is that true? I hope not. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I had one friend at school who was a brilliant, intelligent feminist, even then. We lost touch mostly, just facebook friends. She would've remembered me very differently to person I am now. I found her facebook posts to be very reassuring because she had lived here too and had the same opinions as me. Not only that, but she really lived it. Even though we didn't see each other anymore and she had moved away, knowing she was out there made me feel better. I was going to contact her and then she suddenly died. This was last year and I was distraught. The grief I felt was really over the top for a woman I hadn't seen or spoken to in years. She was only in her twenties and she was the most intelligent person I've ever known

What am I supposed to do?

I'm from the west Midlands originally....:o

I'm also in the West Midlands - PM me as I think I know where you are.
I know about being blunt (I almost certainly have ASD but undiagnosed) but I just am blunt and I endeavour not to be rude - which blunt is often used as an excuse when someone IS rude.
Thing is it is damn hard to get the balance between blunt and aloof and/or being needy - overfamiliar so give the OP some slack.
It is weird and sometimes funny when someone is actually being rude but you just think their blunt and awkward though.

I'd like to emphasise very strongly that I'm not saying all working class people are backward

Some really quite shocking things being said on this thread (not by the OP).

If this statement is not intended to imply that some working class people are backward, perhaps you would like to rephrase?

Well some working class people are backward in their views on gender and race.

Well some working class people are backward in their views on gender and race

..and no middle class or upper class people are?

Gah, this isn't exactly what I wanted the thread to lead to. I should have known that mentioning class would cause an issue. Do you think it's bad to use the word rough? I don't know how else to describe it. I live here and it IS rough and some of the people are rough. I saw the man a few doors down buying drugs as I went to collect my son from school yesterday. The dealer brazenly did it in front of me and my toddler. I was threatened by the local drug dealers a few years back (whilst pregnant with my first) for obviously noting down registration numbers, as the police had asked people to. Some of them then backed down having realised who my boyfriend was because they were scared of him. That whole situation is rough! Having said that, I'm always surprised that this estate has such a bad reputation because I don't think it's anywhere near as bad as most people believe.

Not all working class people are so of course. But most of UKIP's support comes from areas that are very deprived. Those people are generally less educated and therefore easier to manipulate. UKIP strategists actually target those demographics because they know they're onto a winner.

The other demographic that of course tend to hold more of those kind of views are older, monied people living in the shires. Barbour jacket wearing, Telegraph reading over 50's.

UKIP aren't going down well in Shoreditch are they? This is just a fact.

I'm talking in massive generalities here.

But then aren't we all - when we talk about women, and men, and everything else?

(Steers the thread back to course)
Hmm. Being limited to public transport is a pain but I take it you're in a city? I think the best thing to do is to go to different places - are there libraries, museums other places to go with the baby? Thing is you can only meet people by going places and putting yourself out there.

Are there any specific barriers preventing you from learning to drive?

No I see your point Splandy. Sorry it's my fault.

I just meant...you're not as likely to meet someone au fait with the work of Betty Friedan somewhere like that. You might, but you're not as likely to. More people will read the Sun than The Guardian and have voted Brexit in that kind of area. Almost certainly.

I hope people don't mind me saying but it's a total minefield on here.

I think you'll find its more likely they read the Mirror :o

You're right about it being a minefield and the FWR section is worse than AIBU at times. It is actually possible to disagree with people some of the time without going all Donald Trump on them but sometimes you wouldn't think so here!

Apologies for the digression OP, probably not helpful on my part. I will leave your thread in peace. I hope you find some like-minded friends

I don't think "class" has much if anything to do with it Josef. I have a great many friends across the social spectrum and class/wealth is by no means a predictor on how open, intelligent and free thinking is likely to be.

I've nattered complex philosophy with taxi drivers and university professors. All class is a predictor of is how educated someone is likely to be, and these days it is by no means a guarentee of intelligence.

Splandy sometimes I find blunt people refreshingly honest. You often know exactly where you are with a blunt person. The crucial factor in my eyes is malice, a blunt yet fundementally kind person I can enjoy the company of. A malicious yet eloquent speaker will always be a nightmare.

You sound like a good egg who if anything just deserves to open your life up a bit more. I appreciate it's a bugger I'm a single father and as such I didn't fit in with all the mums groups, although to be fair they were all perfectly nice.

The grief thing seemed illustrative of something to me, you are entitled to whatever emotional reaction you have no matter the stimulus. Do you often minimize your own emotions? Or if minimize is not quite the right word thoughts on how you should or shouldn't be feeling?

Wrestling with all of this coupled with being socially isolated and still hauling ass and being a parent shows quite a lot of will and tenacity. I think you deserve some space to figure out where and how you can expand your horizons. Is it worth looking into any local colleges or higher academic institutions? They tend to attract many people from diverse backgrounds.

My own little boy loved to wrap a piece of fabric over is shoulders and stomp around being Elsa from Frozen it's all part of imaginitive play and is good for them. It's nice to see people of the same mindset. Best of luck!

I'm with you Josefk
I live on an estate with a mix of social housing, house association and some bought. They don't even stock broadsheets in my local shop.
You can try and be PC but that's a fact. The area also voted for Brexit.
I've made friends with a lovely Polish lady and a Russian family opposite who I have more in common with.
I think my neighbours think I'm some kind of harmless eccentric though

Have you considered further education OP? That is a good way to meet other people. Don't just view it as only a means to an end to get new qualifications - go for something that interests you.

I was at university when I fell pregnant. A conservatoire, to be precise. Have given up on finding anybody to discuss classical music with though that seems to be asking too much. Wanted to go back but decided it was incompatible with family life. Decided to do a maths degree. Then changed my mind about a degree altogether. I am studying for AAT now, used to learn part time at a college but am now self studying from a textbook. Will then continue on to ACCA and become an accountant. Probably sounds entirely boring, but I love numbers and logic. It fits perfectly with the way my brain works. Going out and being around people every week did build up my confidence and finally gave me something to do, but I didn't meet any like minded people. I can tell the difference now that I'm not going. I actually believe the two of the tutors probably had very similar opinions to me from the things they occasionally said, but they weren't there to socialise with me.

I don't live in a city, no, but I can get there using public transport. The thing is, no matter what I do and no matter where I go, I seem to come up against this issue. Does everybody else experience this? I remember attending a training thing a few years back run by the local council, so I could help children struggling with reading in local schools. It was only a day long thing. The woman running the thing told us that "it's not PC to say this, but of course boys and girls learn differently. When was the last time you saw a girl say 'wow, a fire engine'?" and everybody else nodded and laughed in agreement. I wrote a long letter explaining why this was wrong and that, by the time children reach school age they have had many years of messages from their families, which will start very young. Boys will be dressed in clothes with vehicles on. Their parents will point them out in the street. Their rooms will be decorated with them, their books feature them as characters... I feel a little embarrassed that I did that now. I'm sure she just saw me as 'one of those people'. But I did expect better from a council run scheme, to be honest.

This thread has cheered me up a little now anyway. But the fact is, I don't want to get a job and move away to a nicer area, if that is what people recommending education are getting at. I could move to a slightly nicer area now if I wanted to. I don't think I'd fit in in a 'nicer' area either. I don't feel that I fit in anywhere. It feels as though I am constantly letting myself down and not standing up for what I really believe because I'm too weak to do it. How do other people manage this?

Do you have a local library anywhere near that you can get to? There may be some courses/clubs/groups that might be of interest. If there is a friendly librarian, you could ask, they usually know what's going on. Any adult education classes you could do once a week? Would that be possible with your partner's work hours?

Or a youth orchestra that you could help with? They may lead to you finding a few like-minded people that you'll find interesting and be able to develop relationships further, even if they're not directly related to your specific interests.

Also, search on FB for any local groups, clubs that are going on. Or look at things going on in your nearest city that perhaps you can get to, even if only once a month.

Also, I don't think you're letting yourself down at all. If you are teaching your children what you believe in and are living with that ethos in mind, you are doing a great thing. I think it's inevitable that some people will never really change, change comes very slowly but even small actions can and will make a difference, even if it doesn't seem that way.

I think you sound great and would love a conversation with you. And don't worry, most baby/toddler groups are horrendous

I always assume I'm not going to fit in, makes my life easier but then all I want is somewhere not to be actively hostile to me. I've lived in 'nicer' areas than where I am now and felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.
Maybe you need to be kinder to yourself.

And good on you for writing that letter. The thing about everyday sexism is that it is so pervading and will continue to be so unless challenged. So you can say your are being an activist on a practical level.

I think most people pretend a lot of the time OP. I must say I am good at fitting in with the school mums for the sake of my children but don't care to socialise more than is necessary with them.
I have been known to challenge them, one particular woman who referred to her son as 'crying like a girl' I told her my daughter very rarely cries actually. I did feel bad about challenging her afterwards though. I think she saw it as me attacking her, maybe I was.
Anyway, I have a separate group of friends that I have who I connect with much better and I think it is important. I think you need to keep putting yourself out there. You will find your people. Or just move to Brighton 😁 take care, you sound lovely

And keep posting on mumsnet.

This thread has cheered me up a little now anyway. But the fact is, I don't want to get a job and move away to a nicer area, if that is what people recommending education are getting at. I could move to a slightly nicer area now if I wanted to. I don't think I'd fit in in a 'nicer' area either. I don't feel that I fit in anywhere. It feels as though I am constantly letting myself down and not standing up for what I really believe because I'm too weak to do it. How do other people manage this?

I know the feeling of not fitting in, but a nicer area wouldn't have drug dealers, wouldn't that be worth it? I mean, there's safety to consider.

As for not knowing any feminists RL ... I live close to an university city, and tried to join a feminist group there ... all infected by transwacktivism, so I only know real feminists online, too.

You are not the only one!

(And to be honest, if I am confronted with blatant antifeminism in real life, I mostly just smile and nod and ignore the shit. It is only natural to be careful when you are in the minority / new there /both at once)

It is okay to just raise your children without gender stereotypes and not confront other people about it. Safety comes first, and having social contacts is necessary to stay healthy.

Don't give up hope, you might still find real friends who really understand you over the internet - I did.