So good you are out tonight

[jeaux90]

First post on this part of mn but an avid lurker. I work for a big tech company. I guess at least 80% of employees are men.

We are at a conference a specialist track within the company so maybe 300 of us there. I know a lot of the people.

We go out for a few drinks, group of 10, I'm the only woman (normal)

This younger dude who I hardly know looks me in the eye in front of the others and says "it's really good you came out tonight"

I saw red and asked him whether he thinks I prefer to stay home and knit. The other men piss themselves laughing but he then took me to one side and started an argument with me about it wasn't a sexist comment he made.

But it was right? I was gob smacked by it.

Question is ....anyone got a better retort? What should I have said or done?

I didn't think I was defensive tbh, I was just giving my opinion.

I agree the retort made her look defensive

I'm struggling to see the sexism in this too, to be honest.

I've said it to female friends before because it was good they came out, and I was glad to see them. That's all.

In your opinion my opinion is 'daft'
That's a put down milk
Why not simply say you don't agree with me, why the need to ridicule my opinion?

I say this all the time! Surely it's just a way to express its nice to see someone out in a social setting? I don't think it's strange. He could like spending time with you because he thinks you're a nice person!

I was often the only woman out with a group of men and if one of them said this I'd just say 'Oh thanks it's so good you made it out too! Great to see you!' type thing.

OP, you're at a conference. It's normal for people at conferences to hang out in the evening. He commented that he was pleased you were there. As you said, the male:female ratio was normal. Normal for you. Normal for him too. I am struggling to find anything other than a simple expression of pleasure in what he said. I think you may have been unintentionally rude.

OK Shining, you think "daft" is a put down. I disagree with you. If I'd said you are daft then I would agree with you, but I didn't.

Interesting divergence between posters putting the worst possible interpretation on it..

Remember you are a mere woman, establishing dominance and relative status in a group of men is a far more pressing issue for them

I agree with you OP it's sexist. It has connotations of: "It's so brave of you to come out with all these men!"

Of course it was sexist! He didn't single out any of the men and comment on their decision to come out. It was sexist and fucking patronising

Men tend not to like it when a woman makes a fool of him in front of other men

and those who are interpreting it from a range of possible options in a work/social situation.

I agree with the post that it must be wearing being perpetually on the look out for something to take offence at.

Ok so I appreciate all the views here. For what it's worth I am established meaning I am always out with the guys so no it's not like the first time. The dude hardly knows me at all or most of the guys in the group I was with. If he had made a general comment to the group about it's nice to see everyone out then I probably would have thought nothing of it.

I am mid 40's the dude was young 30's so I don't think he fancies me and even if he did it would be stupid of him to try and do it in front of my peers.

Thing is I doubted myself for a while until one of my colleagues then told me the same guy had ripped into him for being Welsh

I just thought it was incredibly patronising and yes I agree with one of the posters who said that we are made to feel like a rare animals in a zoo but I am kind of used to it. I genuinely found what this guys said a bit shocking though.

Ok yes, based on that it does sound sexist and patronising

To be honest, the fact that you keep referring to him as the young dude is far more patronising and judgemental than anything he said.

Shantotto I think I will try your suggestion next time thanks!

I genuinely don't understand this. what exactly did he do wrong ? Is there some more context to this which we don't know about ?

Hmmmmbop it's really so I can explain why I don't think he fancies me really. Apologies if you think I was being judgemental based on age, I wasn't.

You referred to him as that in your first post when the issue of him fancying you hadn't even been raised.

Makes no odds to me whether you patronise him or not but for you to get offended about something so open to interpretation when you're blatantly creating a judgement through your choice of language is a bit ironic in my view.

Yep you are right I did I guess it's because he is younger relative to the group I was with. I don't judge him for it though it's not like I said "isn't past your bed time" or anything

Just for a bit more context I am not sensitive about being a woman in this business particularly. In fact it's known I am a single parent etc and when the guys say to me "God it must be hard for you" I don't think it's patronising I think they are showing empathy and care. (It's not hard by the way, not really, and I don't ever moan about it)

I just found this really patronising. Maybe I'm wrong.

Can't you see that the equivalent of you calling him dude or young dude is the equivalent of him calling you a bird or young lass (or whatever)?

What he said is very open to interpretation, your choice of language is much clearer.

I call loads of people dude but I get your point about me referring to him as the younger dude. I would never say young dude to anyone. (I call my 7 year old little dude)

Ok I am getting a bit flamed here so fair enough

Ok from your later posts I am thinking he knows you are a single parent and was saying it was good you could make it/arrange childcare.

I don't think so we were in another country and he doesn't know my background

Well you don't know what he knows about you. People talk.

Dude and bird are not equivalent.

Dude and bird aren't exactly comparable. I'd find both of them very irritating

To paraphrase this meme- "Are you either the Big Lebowski or a member of Mott the Hoople ?"

Are you me to " lean in" on this thread?