Grrr...

[Puffinity]

More of an AIBU but I don't want the AIBU treatment and I know I'll get a more sympathetic hearing here.

I am getting married next month. A while ago we were out and about with future FIL. He was quite insistent the proper form of address for me would be Mrs [partner's first name] [partner's last name], even though he knows I am keeping my own name despite it being a pain in the bum to spell as forrin because 'that's the tradition'. I just grit my teeth and ignored it but FFS, can everyone just collectively fuck off with the importance of tradition?! I said I will not be Mrs [someone else-who-isn't-even-the-same-sex's name], stop being so bloody disrespectful!!!

I've had similar, MilkGoatee - Sarah T appears to have left the organisation overnight, no-one told me! I can't find her in the email directory or anything. You ask around and discover Sarah T has got divorced and is now Sarah R. You can't help but think Sarah R might have preferred not having to tell the entire organisation she was getting divorced.

I've had the comment "I'm secure enough in my identity not to need to retain my name" - the implication presumably being that those of us who do 'need' to retain it (and I both want and need to, I would absolutely hate to have a different name) must have some kind of chronic insecurity problem.

So returning to the first post - if people want to change their name when they get married (male or female), all power to their elbow and I will address Christmas cards to them using the name of their choice. I don't impose my belief about name-changing on others and expect the same in return.

For those of us that don't change our name when we get married, do we change our title? I currently go by Miss so if I keep my name do I become Mrs or Ms?

You can use what you like, Pigsburn. It would seem illogical to change your title when you don't change your name - the whole point is not being defined by your relationship status. I personally have always used Ms and still do, but I see no reason for you not to keep using Miss.

I'm married but use Ms. Beware though I have been told it's "illegal" and I have to "acknowledge I'm married", so far telling people with words has sufficed so I'm not scared of the marriage police knocking just yet

Illegal - oh no. That's very worrying, I wonder if it carries a custodial sentence or just community service? Perhaps in an orange jumpsuit with the word 'MRS' on the back in red letters - whatever it takes to teach us uppity wimmin our place in and value to society.

I was told by someone that 'Ms' stands for 'maiden surname' so if that is true, and you are married but choose to go by your own name, then Ms is appropriate.

I go by Ms, am not married. But in my country of origin I would go by Mrs as that is the appropriate form of address for an adult woman unless otherwise indicated.

I've developed a bit of a tan of the last few weeks so an orange jumpsuit might not be all bad What do you think the community service would be? Knitting my tears of into veils for those getting "properly" married? A marriage status awareness course for wayward women? Or just a good old public flogging? Maybe they will make me drink out of one of those god awful Mrs mugs [shudder]

No, Ms does not stand for maiden surname.

Subatomic, I would think some kind of handmaiden at 'proper' weddings would be appropriate, perhaps having to pick all the confetti up piece at a time? And instead of the photo (which I have witnessed but never participated in) where the unmarried women have to stare longingly at the bride's wedding ring, you would be kneeling at the feet of the bride as she instructs you in your womanly duties.

After that I think some kind of dunking in the river like in witch hunting would probably be in order.

Ms doesn't stand for anything. Thinking it stands for maiden surname is entirely missing the point of Ms.

I didn't change my surname on marriage.

I'm the only one of my well educated, middle class, progressive, feminist friends who didn't. I was surprised.

DH's family address me as Mrs DH'sName, for example when sending post. It causes all sorts of problems at the post office when i have no ID in that name.

It's twattish bullshit on their part and I ignore it.

YANBU.

Am I supposed to sink or float? Both are as bad as each other right?

My in laws were surprisingly indifferent towards me keeping my surname, my very practical father in law even congratulated me on saving the money required for a passport change. Also helps that they are not rampant mysogonists

Well the ducking stool was used as a punishment for disorderly women as well as a tool for finding witches.

My MIL still uses the name of her first DH despite having remarried (because second DH's name is very difficult to spell) so she couldn't really say anything about my decision to keep mine, not that I asked!