Driving

[Jenijena]

I know of so many women, in real life, in threads on mn, and on local Facebook groups with variations of the following:

'I passed my test, but I'm too scared to drive now, but it's ok, dp drives'
'I'm a nervous driver so don't feel I can go anywhere new/drive in traffic unless someone else takes me'
'I only drive these types of journeys'
'There's no point me learning to drive as DH does anything anyway'

Now there might be a whole raft of men out there who feel the same, but I can only think of one couple I know where the man learned to drive late and still doesn't do much driving. For what it's worth, I know lots of couples where the woman drives more than the man, but typically because 'her' car is the family car, whereas the man has the runaround/sports car/van or whatever. But if there's a non driver, it's nearly always the woman.

Why? Are women more nervous? Are we conditioned to be the nervy ones? Or am I spotting a trend which doesn't exist?

My mum's given up driving now - she did it less and less after they moved to a village with narrow streets, surrounded by country lanes, and now it must be some years since she drove. With her, there have been some physical and mental health issues, but I think it's also been 'easier' as a woman her age to stop, than it would be for my dad. He's more practised, always the one to get in the driving seat if they were together, always had the bigger car, etc. I worry for her if anything happens to him, and him if he starts to feel unable to drive himself but feels obliged to carry on.

Mind you, she drives a 50ft narrowboat, I end up bouncing off the banks if I even try!

Back a generation, her mum was the driver, my grandfather never learned to drive. Dad's parents were the other, more conventional, way round.

I am a lifelong card-carrying feminist.

I also hate driving. Hate it. I secretly envy women in repressive regimes that forbid them to drive. I go to vast lengths to find reasons not to drive. I am also afflicted with a partner (male) who loves driving and cars.

It is my Shame and I wish I wasn't such a wuss about it - and I did finally pass my test, fifth time at age 40 and 37 weeks pregnant - but boy I hate it.

I was thankfully an adventurous driver when younger. Health issues mean I now struggle navigating my way to new places. I am OK if I have been there before and know the route. I now understand why some don't drive. If I am honest, if I had a husband I would give up driving to new places.

"I can't imagine any man I know who has a driving licence saying 'ooh, I can't go to x as I'm not prepared to go on the motorway', but I know several women in this category... I'm prepared to acknowledge this anecdote might not be a true reflection, but if it's 'real', why are women the nervous drivers? (Or is it that men hide their nervousness? Or just make up all the idiot motorway drivers who are out there?)"

It is completely socially acceptable for w woman to say sh doesn't drive/won't drive at night/I can't imagine any man I know who has a driving licence saying 'ooh, I can't go to x as I'm not prepared to go on the motorway', but I know several women in this category... I'm prepared to acknowledge this anecdote might not be a true reflection, but if it's 'real', why are women the nervous drivers? (Or is it that men hide their nervousness? Or just make up all the idiot motorway drivers who are out there?)

It is completely acceptable for women to say they can't drive or to limit the circumstances in which they will drive. It just isn't socially acceptable for a man to do the same. Maybe men are just as likely to be fearful than women but can't admit it and therefore have to get over their fear? I don't know. But surely there must be just as many men who have had terrifying experiences that could put them off driving ever again as women? And yet I have never heard a man say that. There is an assumption that men will drive. My dp has a back injury which means that sitting in the passenger seat for long periods hurts him- and I sometimes wish I had a t shirt saying "It's not because I'm a woman- it's because he's got a slipped disc!"

I am with Lass on this one (I know, I'm picking myself off the floor!) and I'm finding some of the posts on here really quite sneering towards women and lacking with empathy.

I like the way Bertrand has turned it around to say actually the problem isn't that women find driving an unpleasant experience. That is acceptable. In fact why don't more men find it worrying/unenjoyable?There is a lot that is unpleasant about driving.

I'm a confident driver who has driven a wide range of vehicles from minis to 7.5T trucks to vans with 30ft trailers on the back. I've driven all over the US including through New York, all over Europe. Does that mean I don't get nervous/avoid driving? Of course not. Sometimes I really don't need that stress. Surely people can recognize driving can be stressful? Why are we pandering to the patriarchy and pretending it isn't and disparaging people who don't enjoy it? Why are we accepting the premise that whether you enjoy driving is a measure of success in society or, for that matter, a measure of anything?

The only way to overcome fear is to face it and practise

How helpful, normally if I want advice of this calibre I would have to tune into an episode of The Tweenies.

I love driving.

Truly love and enjoy it, have driven all over the world and will be driving to Mid Europe from the frozen North in a few weeks for shits and giggles.

I feel like it's a form of freedom for me to drive.

I know a fair few women who don't drive. Instead of making them feel like shit about it, I tend to offer them lifts and stuff. It's a skill like any other, to give it this great mythos seems really odd. seems weird to me. There are plenty of skills I lack that other women have.

Surely, as feminists, we should be giving women a hand, not sneering at what they can't do?

I think that driving is a much bigger deal than we make out. You're operating a dangerous 2 tonne vehicle in a public space and some of the ways that women typically behave, and are conditioned, makes them feel the burden of that responsibility. I think WriteForFun has it:

^I think the reason there are lots of women saying they prefer not to drive detain routes etc is that they are prepared to admit their fears especially while driving and risking the lives of others
I don't think crap male drivers are likely to admit it^

I also think that cars are more of a status symbol for men than they are for women so if there are other options available such as public transport I think women are more likely to take them and don't have the same level of stigma attached. I do not equate having a car with power and success.

I don't drive and for me it's always been an active choice. I started learning but gave up because I had a finite amount of money and decided to spend it on other things rather than driving. I've never had a problem getting anywhere I need to be nor been dependent on a man. Quite the opposite: as a child my father used to offer lifts to school and I would refuse and walk (TBF he's a racist who angers easily so car journeys with him were never fun).

My male DP does drive but prefers not to and we do not own a car. Sometimes we need a car and so hire one and of course he drives but I don't see this as a gender thing, just that he has a licence and I don't. I have other options. I could do the journey without him by other means. DP learned to drive at 17 because he felt it was just the done thing. And he drove like a typical show off boy racer and nearly killed himself. Not so interested in driving anymore.

Thing is driving on motorways, unfamiliar roads etc takes concentration and great hazard awareness. Men aren't born with driving skills superior to women. Chances are in a couple the woman is more likely to give up driving these difficult scenarios and expect her DH to. Because that's what society expects. Of course men may feel because they are men they should drive. Both sexes are affected by this.

I can think of other examples like lawn mowing, bins, DIY, dealing with dead birds, vermin or big spiders.

And of course wife / housework that a lot of husbands expect.

Lass and Mycrisp, you might not like it and think it twee advice, but it's true! The only way to overcome anxiety about something is to practise time and time again with a great instructor who helps, advises and supports. That's the same for anything, not just driving!

Oh bog off fieldfare I've been driving for over 30 years. I used to , for various reasons, have to do a lot more driving than I do now but still drive, in a city at least twice a week I've done practising and extra lessons. I still hate it.

I think my dad might describe himself as scared of driving. He passed when he was younger but then didn't drive (initially because of living in London and not needing to and then being out of the habit). Hasn't driven in over 30, or possibly 40 years now.

That's the same for anything, not just driving!

That is incorrect.

Unless within a therapeutic setting, you may in fact increase anxiety about something. Amateur psychologists should perhaps leave things to the professionals.

I'm with Lass, Scallops and Palmer on this. I don't and can't drive for two reasons: Dyspraxia and no peripheral vision on my left side.

I tried to learn, but due to the above two reasons, I decided that everyone on the road would be safer if I were off it.

Driving is an oddly contentious subject. Ime, some drivers can't ever accept people not driving without some sort of initial negative judgment which leads to some defensiveness on the part of nondrivers. See my own defensiveness above.

Not sure how this fits with feminism, just rambling.

Driving is an odd one.

I would much rather people who weren't confident drivers chose not to drive as often as possible. There are plenty of us around who will happily give people lifts if people are unable or unwilling to drive so I don't see why anyone should feel forced into getting behind the wheel of a tonne or so of unyielding metal. The last thing you need is someone who feels anxious or unnerved driving.

you might [...] think it twee advice

No, I think it's cliche, naive and condescending to offer grown women unsolicited advice that can be found at the end of every episode of every kids show ever.

I am a single parent who has to drive everywhere,no choice as I have no one to share it with.Hate it with a passion,I am a independent, educated woman with a responsible job,who also brings up her children alone.I am also a crap driver,with almost no sense of direction.
My dream when the kids are older,teens now, is to move to a city with good transport and never drive again.

Palmer and scallops thanks. I appreciate your comments and understanding,

This has been an interesting read and I've sort of revised my opinion slightly based on some of the posts on this thread. Clearly, there are good reasons why some people feel unable to drive and that's fine.

However, I've seen a few people say they hate driving or are scared but haven't really said why and this is what I'm trying to understand.

FWIW, I used to love driving and have done a number of track days and off-road courses. In lots of ways I still do enjoy it, but I find it generally more frustrating than fun these days. But I do see being able to do it as being a bit part of my independence.

Big, not bit.

I'm also a single mother who started driving after I had a baby. I really like it, thought. It took a few years to get the confidence to go on the motorway, but there's no stopping me now.