Driving

[Jenijena]

I know of so many women, in real life, in threads on mn, and on local Facebook groups with variations of the following:

'I passed my test, but I'm too scared to drive now, but it's ok, dp drives'
'I'm a nervous driver so don't feel I can go anywhere new/drive in traffic unless someone else takes me'
'I only drive these types of journeys'
'There's no point me learning to drive as DH does anything anyway'

Now there might be a whole raft of men out there who feel the same, but I can only think of one couple I know where the man learned to drive late and still doesn't do much driving. For what it's worth, I know lots of couples where the woman drives more than the man, but typically because 'her' car is the family car, whereas the man has the runaround/sports car/van or whatever. But if there's a non driver, it's nearly always the woman.

Why? Are women more nervous? Are we conditioned to be the nervy ones? Or am I spotting a trend which doesn't exist?

[nomore] so many people would feel the same as you.

I too feel pathetic being unable to drive but you really shouldnt. It really knocks my confidence not being able to, I feel like an overgrown child having DH drive me around.

I don't drive. I can transport myself from A to B. On public transport.

There are numerous people, both men and women, that I know, who hold down responsible jobs but can't drive.

I also think often people just say they are nervous etc because they can't actually afford to drive and don't want to answer a bunch of rude questions.

My xDH used to drive most of the time we were together at weekends and on long trips. We split up after 23 years. I've since had to drive on motorways and have done a few long trips on my own to visit a friend. I've got used to it. It was nerve racking St first. I think, if you don't have a good daily commute, then I csn see your confidence dipping. Strangley enough, the friend I visit on the coast, lets her husband drive us around all the time.......

That's a good point write. The one with the motorhome said she always felt it was too big, but obviously never thought to maybe practice on a campsite or something (where there would be space to practise as it's quiet). I'm not judging, because I am still learning to drive myself, but I just found it interesting.

This is an interesting question and I bet there are studies on it or related issues. I will look later on.

I think men are shamed about showing fear and anxiety which is why it's less socially acceptable for them to abstain from driving. I think in a world where nobody was shamed for "weakness" you'd see equal numbers of men and women driving and abstaining, and driving as competently/incompetently as each other.

I've also heard that women have higher anxiety levels on more or less everything than men. Is that a myth though? I think I heard it in a Ted talk by a guy who seemed a good speaker but when I looked him up later it turned out he'd written "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" .

but if it's 'real', why are women the nervous drivers? (Or is it that men hide their nervousness? Or just make up all the idiot motorway drivers who are out there?)

I think women, as a class, tend to be more self-doubting than men (as a class). Not just about driving, but about nearly everything (bar child rearing). Imposter syndrome etc.

There are a few who do use it as a "aren't I so feminine"shtick, but hopefully not many. Others maybe like that it's something their DH/DP has to 'do' for them.

Or basically what singing said.

Agree with Singing and Aye - there's absolutely a lot of socialisation around this.

Women are 'allowed' to be scared, anxious, intimidated, etc. Men are expected to enjoy cars, mechanics, speed, etc. Put those together, and...

I got my license as soon as I could, at 15, so have been driving for over 25 years. I've done more long-haul journeys than I can possibly recall, many without DH at all, but with kids + dog + roof box. I've driven on many, many motorways, and through many dark nights. Over mountain ranges, and winding through gorges.

And I have to say - I found driving in the UK utterly intimidating, to the extent that I only did it if I absolutely had to.

The sheer volume of other cars on the roads, and the need to be really quite aggressive in order to ever actually pull out onto main roads, was so far out of my comfort zone it's untrue.

I don't blame anyone for not enjoying it, and even actively avoiding it.

I think that there are various reasons, but I grew up in a family where it was definitely the man's job to drive. My mum will only drive if my dad isn't around, he NEVER sits in the passenger side. The few times that he had to sit with me as I drove he winced and cringed as if I were trying to kill him.

He just can't accept that women are equal and therefore just as able to drive.

For DH and me, I get far more car sick and he is better at navigating, so it makes sense for me to drive, and he then navigates where necessary, or reads or sleeps.

The only time I was nervous of driving was after I'd been in a pretty bad accident. I did nothing wrong but still I ended up in hospital. That made me nervous but I had to drive for work so there was no choice but to get over it. Practice really does get rid of nerves, so people who don't like driving should do more of it, not less, to make themselves better at it.

Since being single I've driven a lot more and become a much more confident driver. Ex dp enjoyed driving and didn't like to be seen to be being driven about by a woman, unless he wanted to get drunk of course, and then suddenly it was all fine

I'm in my mid 50's

I do not know a single couple where she drives, but he doesn't.

This is my sister, now she's married she suddenly is too petrified to drive on any route involving joining a dual carriageway/motorway slip way. It's a bit pathetic tbh, ok I know these things can be quite nerve-racking, driving across London has me breaking out ins sweat, but I do it if I have to.

I reckon she's being a damsel in distress so her DH can rescue her from the driving. I also think she's copying my aunt who is a loveable lady and a genuine bag of nerves behind the wheel. Always when growing up if we had seen my aunt my sister would emulate her anxieties. I also think driving is a skill which requires regular practice and I do think even if my sister wanted to do 'motorway driving' now she would be so out of practice she genuinely would be terrified.

So I suspect there is some social conditioning going on. Because going from being ok with difficult driving to being petrified just because you've got yourself a fella, is playing to poor woman driver stereotype.

My mother doesn't like to drive, and gets very nervous if she does.

I hated driving lessons, felt I was asked to drive on actual streets much too soon ... and would still not say that I'm a good driver.

However, I want to go places, and as I am single, I have no choice but to drive myself.

Statistics is on our side. I know I am not a great driver, but I am a careful driver, and that tends to be the more important part.

Just noticed I didn't answer the original question ... yes, I do think there is a trend.
Not sure why - perhaps it is men being more confident in general due to socialisation, perhaps it is cars being seen as masculine thing ... no idea.

I think women should drive more - if you can drive, and it's just more comfortable to let your partner drive, then switch places every now and then.

In many couples, the man is older than the woman, and you know who causes almost as many accidents as young men? Old people.
Once your partner is over 70, you being an experienced driver will be a really useful thing.

I think I know what you mean, but our household is the opposite! DH doesn't drive; I learnt on the farm at 10, & on the roads at 16 (37 now).

I grew up in a very rural area, you simply had to learn to drive as there was no public transport at all. I cannot bear it when women act a bit stupid, "oh I don't know how you drive that big thing, I'd forever be pranging it!" It's a 4x4, I drive well because I practised a lot when younger and had to get used to driving whatever was on the driveway - be it a mini or tractor that Dad was mending.
I had a "compliment" from a chap at the tip the other day - "cor, well done love. You can sling that old thing around well for a pretty girl like you". It's frustrating! My driving ability is not dependent on my gender or how I look!

The only way to overcome fear is to face it and practise with a good instructor. Why on earth anyone would want to be dependent on anyone else for getting about is beyond me. I love driving.

fieldfare to fellow farm kid! agree 100% with your post, I just can't imagine not being able to drive pretty much anything I get into... (still a bit shit at reversing with a trailer!)

The only way to overcome fear is to face it and practise with a good instructor. Why on earth anyone would want to be dependent on anyone else for getting about is beyond me. I love driving

Utter bollocks. You don't think I've done the practising and instructing ? You love driving - good for you.

Personally I'm more amazed by why on earth any women would choose to be financially dependant on a man but there you go.

I might be unwilling to drive somewhere on my own but I take it you are aware of things like taxis and trains?

Just for the hell of a different attitude, I dislike private cars because they're not environmentally friendly. I can drive but haven't had a car for years and won't for as long as I can get away with it. I have to confess I like neither the busy roads nor this car-worshipping culture in Britain. Car worship does not equate to feminism in my book. My dh never learned to drive, because he comes from an extremely poor background.

I was thinking about this the other day.

The majority of the time if I get in a car with a female friend for the first time, they tell me immediately what a terrible driver they are and apologise and usually how bad they are at parking when we stop. Their driving is usually perfectly fine. No man has ever said anything similar to me, and some of them are awful.

I'm learning to drive at the moment (wasn't interested when I was younger as I was fine with public transport) and it's taken me a very long time because I was terrible and terrified at first. I'm good at driving now, but still haven't fully got my head around reversing. My colleagues who are all male just keep telling me to put in for my test, but I want to be a good driver who can cope with these things. I think men in general are brought up to be confident in their abilities, and women are a bit more cautious and conscientious.

I know lots of couples where the woman can't drive, or in the case of both my in-laws and parents, the woman has passed her test but no longer drives. I can't understand that at all as I'd hate to be reliant one someone else to get around.

I say that as someone who took over a year of lessons to pass on my third attempt. I found learning incredibly hard but I'm very glad I persevered.

I do think there is something in women being 'allowed' on a societal level to stop driving. E.g. My MIL scraped her car on her gatepost on her first solo drive and never drove again. I can't imagine a man doing that??

I think one of the best things parents can do for a daughter is to give her driving lessons on her 17th birthday. The older learning to drive is left, the harder it tends to be.

I dunno grimbletart, I was shit when I tried to drive when I was 17 and equally shit when I tried at 35. I live in London so have no need for a car anyway.

My brother is the same so it's not a feminist issue here. I do agree that living in the middle of nowhere when you don't drive is an odd decision.

Do favoured toys have something to do with it?

Not just the obvious zooming cars and toy trucks around mats as a child, but DS would have happily spent every waking hour on bus/plane/driving simulators as a teenager if he hadn't occasionally had to eat and be educated. He automatically saw himself as part of that behind-the-wheel world from a very early age.