Female jealousy?

[loveyoulikeaplanet]

In RL and in SO many threads on MN this is offered up as an explanation for women behaving badly in their interactions with other women.

A woman at work/a friend/ someone at the school gate does X ...
or made this insensitive or plain horrible remark.

Response - she's obviously jealous of you.

Can someone please explain this to me?. I don't 'get it' at all yet hear it all the time and see it on MN and other forums all the time.

Do lots of women really think this is the reason why another woman is behaving badly or simply being mean?.

This has been bugging me for ages but I haven't turned it into a thread before now. It's come into the forefront of my mind today as work with a woman who is below me in the work hierarchy (I don't give a shit about hierarchy btw) who is often rude to me and after excusing it for a while, I said something to colleagues who have clearly noticed it too and said 'I think she's probably jealous of you'.

Jealous of what? That I have a different job ? Am I supposed to believe that my position/life is what she wants and she's bitter because I have it and she doesn't?.

I think that's bollocks and she might just be a bit moody or doesn't like me for whatever reason she is entitled to hold.

I NEVER hear this said about men or by men about other men. If a man has been put down or brushed aside or criticised by another man the reason is never suggested to be jealousy.

Forums like MN are often ideologically feminist in lots of ways but this idea of female jealousy seems to be so ingrained it comes up time and time again as an immediate response on lots of threads.

He was hit in the head twice with a hammer in a lesson at school - the only reason it wasn't more was that a teacher managed to drag the other boy off him.
He was 100% a victim.

The boy that attacked him was subsequently diagnosed as being high functioning on the autistic spectrum.
The boy had been bullied a bit by his brother for being 'weird'. He had been picked on quite a lot by others at school in the months/years before.
My son was one of his friends and always stood up for him.
The day before and the day it happened my son and his friend had been rubbing each other up the wrong way (as happens in all friendships at some points).
That particular day, the boy snapped - about 10 mins after him & my son had a small verbal disagreement (not even a proper argument), he grabbed a hammer in the DT classroom and started attacking my son.
My son just happened to be the final straw for this boy - it was a 'wrong place, wrong time' moment.

So no, squirrel, it is not necessarily one thing or the other.
My son was 100% not to blame for what was done to him, but he also had control and choice over his actions too - he could have walked away from the stupid disagreement, he could have walked away from the escalating annoyances the day before, but he didn't.
It was a valuable life lesson to learn that life isn't black & white - it is a series of events - things do not happen in a vacuum and rarely are completely and totally unexpected or unprovoked.

Poor thing! I still feel differently. Imo that attack was completely unexpected - since disagreements happen all the time without someone pulling out the hammer. I also think the boy on the AS isn't entirely responsible either because of his condition. It could maybe be a chance for your son to learn how to recognise signs of someone who is about to snap - something he couldn't have known before, but I doubt the 'things don't happen in a vacuum' comment is very helpful and might piss your son off for some years to come.

It happened over a year ago, he was over it pretty quickly tbh.
Thankfully he had access to a school counsellor etc and both me & my husband are quite pragmatic types (especially in a crisis).
He had a terrible time for a few weeks and ended up sleeping in my bed for a while again with nightmares, but he's totally fine now.

Although I hold the other boy absolutely responsible for his actions, I worked with my son to try to understand how it is a chain of events that leads to an outcome - the other boy did a terrible thing, but it didn't happen in a vacuum.
It was very, very difficult to do that whilst at the same time ensuring that my son didn't blame himself for what happened.

It's fine now though, thank goodness, but as I said before it was a valuable lesson in how unexpected and awful life can be, and how he needs to be aware of how his actions can affect and impact on others.

Wrt freyapop I've got to be honest, from my own personal experiences I have found this to be true. I've found rudeness, bullying and passive aggressive little digs are more often than not motivated by feelings of jealousy.

I've been mulling further...

These things can throw me into some soul-searching, and often think for me it can be about someone holding a grudge because I have not behaved as they wished eg- my introverted ways mean I don't want to hang out as much as they'd like, or perhaps I haven't observed their standard of good manners. Or sometimes they want me to make the choices they would and feel annoyed about my conviction in my own free will. I don't think it is jealousy in the main - more about control and (passive-aggressive) dominance.

But I did make damned sure he realised that although it wasn't 'his fault' that it happened, these things don't happen in a vacuum and as such he had to acknowledge how his actions leading up to it had contributed to the incident occurring in the first place

Oh dear me. Is being black or gay or having a speech impediment or coming from a family that is a bit different or all the countless reasons bullies find "actions which contribute to the incident " ?

Lass, I was describing how I handled a specific situation wrt a violent attack on my son.
So savage & with so much blood that the whole class had to be counselled, including the teacher.
My son had to have brain scans, X-rays, and get his head stapled back together.

By all means make that all about you again, but don't undermine the aftermath, whereby with the help of a counsellor we were able to identify the chain of events and help my son to make some sense' of 'why?' for his mental well being and future.

Had we reduced it to 'he was jealous' or minimised, ignored or glossed over the lead up that the attacker had to get to that point on that day then that would have been failing my son in the long run.

Agree with all MrsBoDuke has said.

I think it is very dismissive of children to reduce this situation and the outcome to 'he was just jealous' or some other trite explanation.

I believe that leads to children feeling even more insecure, that bullying happens completely randomly with no possible explanation at all. How can children ever think about how to perhaps avoid it in the future if it results purely from being 'pretty' or 'clever' or because you live in a house full of books? Things that children can't change and so means they will forever be at risk of being harmed?

This in no way condones the bully or the harm they cause. However I believe it is more helpful for children to also think about their own actions in the situation. Were they teasing the child in question, did they mock them or ignore them or side against them? Why was the child so angry with them in the first place? Is there anything the bullied child feels they could have done differently [in the future as the bullying will mean this situation has gone beyond that point and the bullied child is not responsible for the bully's behaviour, only their own]. Or is the child who is being bullied timid or their 'difference' makes them a target? In which case parents and school will need to intervene to support them.

Then how can the bullied chid recognise the potential warning signs for next time, if there are any? How could they possibly manage the situation next time, i.e. get themselves to a safe place, speak to a trusted teacher, parent or other significant adult. Can the adults help the child to put a plan of action in place if this situation occurs again?

Finally parents need to think about healing and resolution. for example through continued talking it through or support from a professional counsellor. The child needs to know that something will be done about the bullying behaviour and that they will be believed. It might be helpful for them to be involved in drawing up the 'plan of action' and thus taking back some control of the situation.

But not just reducing the situation to 'I was pretty and clever' and that's all there is to it. I think this leaves unresolved feelings and hurt with nowhere to go with them.