DH calling women "bitch"

[perrita]

DH has started, out of nowhere, referring to women as bitches. Saying things like "she's a bitch" about someone on TV, or if someone cuts him up when driving "silly bitch", etc. He's even called my sisters and friends it, and his sister and sister in law. It's been going on for about a year now, I don't know what started it and I've asked him to stop numerous times, but he basically refuses. Happened in the car today (worse than normal as he was already in a bad mood) and we had a mini argument about it in which he ended up telling me not to be so soft about it as he isn't going to change.

It really, really bothers me to the point where every time he says it, it makes me like him a little bit less but I can't really articulate as to WHY it upsets me so much. I feel like it's really sexist, he isn't normally sexist but he can be a bit ranty sometimes (so calls other drivers other names, not just women). It wouldn't bother me if he said something like "she's driving like an idiot", I'd think that was just him being ranty it's the specific use of the term bitch that I have a problem with.

I know this isn't AIBU, but am I? Do you have any advice on how I can deal with this, or get him to stop? Or even just advice on how I can articulate to him why I find it so offensive. He's a really lovely husband for the most part but I really hate this.

OP, does he use the word bitch about his mum?

Or his daughter if he has one?

Some if you need to start your own thread

OP, this would be a dealbreaker. He's sending a very clear message about what he thinks of women in general. This has been going on for a year and he's not yet seen the problem? I doubt he is going to.

He may be in a work culture where it used a lot but that doesn't excuse him. Also he sounds like an angry person generally, how do you tolerate that? It sounds like he's applied it to many family members and I'm wondering why?

Many of us are guilty of saying nasty stuff occasionally. This sounds frequent and he's defended it. What does that tell you?

• of not if!

I think, could be way off beam here, but I do think "bastard" tends to refer to a certain type of behaviour as demonstrated by the bastard son (Edgar, was it?) in King Lear. And yes, it does get used pretty much exclusively about men; it's been suggested that it's misogynistic here due to the implications about the person's mother (see also variations on "son of a..." and the feeble modern version "ur mum"). "Bitch" is not quite on a par as it is about a dog not a historical/fictional human being, but still, it tends to refer to a certain type of behaviour demonstrated by a dog, eg when you touch her puppies without permission, extended to all kinds of verbal unpleasantness (snapping, snarling, a swift sneaky bite). I don't see it as particularly misogynistic to say "what a bitch" when someone has behaved thus. (I've met a few in my longish time on this planet for whom the saying "bitch queen from hell" was no more than a fair description; by no means all of them were women!) However, to use it, about a woman in particular, in any other context is not only incorrect but I believe distinctly misogynistic. It means she is a dog, a lesser creature. It puts her in her place (i.e. below real human beings). It's about what she is, not what she has done. A woman who is a bad driver is a stupid woman, not a stupid dog. I wouldn't call a man who is a bad driver a stupid bastard, either. (I'd call him a few other things, no doubt, probably not gender specific.)

Scallops never said anything about whether "bastard" is used directly towards women. She said it is misogynistic in meaning, which is different

It is rarely used now in the sense of having anything to do with legitimacy. I think that is a really weak argument.

Derailers, start your own thread.

Perrita, I would absolutely hate my DH to say bitch and I've never heard him do so. I think if yours is that free with the word, pp is right and he is using it about you when you're not there. If you've told him you hate it and he does it anyway, what's next?

I would be very unhappy if I found out my dp described any woman as "bitch"

I agree with lorelei, perrita and would also say the fact that he is outright refusing to change is another red flag.

Apologies for the derail .

I've noticed a massive increase in the use of the word bitch over the past year in general. I was wondering if it's to do with its use in a particular tv show or other popular culture. It's horrible.

You've asked him to stop and he won't, what would you know anyway, you're just a woman.

He is being sexist and that would be a dealbreaker for me but it's up to you what you put up with in a relationship.

"It really, really bothers me to the point where every time he says it, it makes me like him a little bit less"

Have you told him this?

Give him fair warning.

How much does he want you to like him?

How far is he prepared to go, to lose your liking for him?

It's these little everyday corrosive things, which split people up, not the big dramatic things.

Remind him of that.

His response will tell you how much he values his marriage.

Bitch is a word that has been used for centuries as an insult to women and its significance has varied in time. Its modern usage has nothing to do with describing a woman as a dog.

I do think your DH is wrong to be using the word to describe any woman who causes him annoyance. The word bitch has significant meanings. Applying it indiscriminately as you describe strikes me as misogynistic. He has no idea who these women are nor why they are behaving in a way that annoys him. They are bitches because they are women.

Bitch as an insult is one thing. Insults are meant to be, well, insulting.

I hate the more modern use of the word, often used by gangster rappers e.g. "I'm going out with my bitches", where it's basically used to replace words orphrases like "girlfriend", "female friends", "women", "girls", etc.