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Original poster

DH calling women "bitch"

63 replies

perrita · 02/04/2016 17:57

DH has started, out of nowhere, referring to women as bitches. Saying things like "she's a bitch" about someone on TV, or if someone cuts him up when driving "silly bitch", etc. He's even called my sisters and friends it, and his sister and sister in law. It's been going on for about a year now, I don't know what started it and I've asked him to stop numerous times, but he basically refuses. Happened in the car today (worse than normal as he was already in a bad mood) and we had a mini argument about it in which he ended up telling me not to be so soft about it as he isn't going to change.

It really, really bothers me to the point where every time he says it, it makes me like him a little bit less but I can't really articulate as to WHY it upsets me so much. I feel like it's really sexist, he isn't normally sexist but he can be a bit ranty sometimes (so calls other drivers other names, not just women). It wouldn't bother me if he said something like "she's driving like an idiot", I'd think that was just him being ranty it's the specific use of the term bitch that I have a problem with.

I know this isn't AIBU, but am I? Do you have any advice on how I can deal with this, or get him to stop? Or even just advice on how I can articulate to him why I find it so offensive. He's a really lovely husband for the most part but I really hate this.

OP posts:
Grimarse · 02/04/2016 19:54

Okay, let's accept that it can be used in a misogynistic sense. So is it misandric when used towards a man?

A quick google of the phrase 'mumsnet+leave+the+bastard' returns over 17,000 hits.....What does that tell us about attitudes towards men?

SenecaFalls · 02/04/2016 19:57

In the US, bitch (as a noun) and bastard are definitely gendered. So is cunt. I don't use any of them, and I would be very upset if DH were throwing "bitch" around on a regular basis. It is misogynistic.

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2016 19:58

The women on MN generally don't see the need to put up with men's bad behaviour perhaps?

This is quite a good thread for looking at words more commonly associated with women (and a few about men too) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1255666-Words-used-soley-to-describe-women?pg=1.

SenecaFalls · 02/04/2016 19:59

I also agree that it is misogynistic to call a man a bastard for the reason that scallops gave.

Grimarse · 02/04/2016 20:06

I think you are just being obtuse now, scallops. You can detect misogyny at a thousand paces, and yet women's parallel behaviour can be excused out of hand.

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2016 20:10

Oh give over Grimarse. You know why it's used so much on MN. You are the one being obtuse.

Grimarse · 02/04/2016 20:11

And the literal definition of bastard makes no mention of 'being born of an unmarried mother', but rather 'being born of unmarried parents', i.e. not reference of it only being the mother who is unwed. I think this is a case of only seeing what you want to see.

However, the OP's partner needs to have a word with himself. Using vocabulary that upsets your partner is not on.

Grimarse · 02/04/2016 20:12

We both know when and why it is used, scallops. You seem to want to constantly excuse women and berate men for the same behaviour.

SenecaFalls · 02/04/2016 20:16

Oh yes and throughout history, the unmarried father was always viewed with the same level of opprobrium as the unmarried mother.

Oh, wait.

feckitall · 02/04/2016 20:26

DH used to do this...drove me mad...it was part of his general demeanour and negativity at the time...in the end I told him to sort it out or it would end our relationship, it was grinding me down and affecting the DC...He went and got treatment for depression which included counselling.
He rarely does it now..

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2016 20:26

Look if you want to take it up with MN feel free, Grimarse. But for the reason that Theydontknow gave; plus the behaviour that the men exhibit when women are told to LTB (which isn't on a par with cutting someone up in traffic); plus the relative inequalities still between men and women; plus the fact that the OP, me and a number of others on this thread don't even use the word, I will be failing to lose sleep tonight over the fact it is a word used regularly on MN.

Grimarse · 02/04/2016 20:31

Which was exactly my point. So we'll say no more about it then.

BennyTheBall · 02/04/2016 20:33

I don't think of it as offensive, because it's bandied about so much.

Having said that, I have never once heard my dh say it, in reference to a woman.

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2016 20:33

It would also be inappropriate and insensitive to trawl the Relationships section calling out every time someone uses the word bastard. (I imagine bitch gets used quite a lot too). Women are suffering at the hands of men and are letting off steam. The OPs partner really isn't suffering at the hands of women.

scallopsrgreat · 02/04/2016 20:34

OK whatever Grimarse Hmm

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 02/04/2016 22:10

Grimarse: "Really? Has anyone defended this man's behaviour on here? Have I?"

No, but what you've done is fascinating, and so typical of this kind of thread.

As soon as the OP posted her complaint your immediate response was "Leave the bast....oh, hang on..."

Now nowhere in the OP's posts did she use the word "bastard" to describe her husband or any other man yet your instinctive response was to argue that the OP's complaint of her husband being sexist was invalid because other women who are not the OP have called other men who are not the OP's husband a word which, whilst arguably not as insulting, is in principle also sexist.

Not only is it classic derailing but it's quite frankly bizarre. You're basically saying that if the OP wants to call out a particular piece of sexism against women, she must bear responsibility for the sexist actions of all other women even though she herself is not guilty of those actions.

Grimarse · 02/04/2016 22:48

You say it's derailing, but how can we examine gendered issues unless we examine whether or not something is gendered in the first place? Hence, we need to understand whether there is a female equivalence. If we don't do that, then aren't we just discussing whether or not the OP's partner is just a bit of an arse?

Caitlin Moran defined whether an issue was feminist or not by asking 'are the men worrying about this'? If they aren't, then it's a feminist issue. But if something affects both genders, then it isn't likely to be a gendered/feminist issue. Hence my point.

Now you may disagree with Ms Moran, but I find her rule quite useful. I wasn't derailing. I was testing whether the OP's problem passed the Caitlin Moran test. Of course, you may choose to see anything that calls into question your core beliefs as derailing.

humblebumble · 02/04/2016 23:04

I can see why you are upset. My STBEXDH refers to me as a bitch when we are arguing and says I bark at him. This has driven a wedge so deep that I have asked him to leave after an instance when our 8 year old son called me a bitch. I was devastated. I knew there was no turning back, no amount of me telling him not to call me names had any impact. I'm so sad my 8 year old boy has been allowed to hear it and think it's acceptable to say that when he isn't getting his own way.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 02/04/2016 23:11

Caitlin Moran defined whether an issue was feminist or not by asking 'are the men worrying about this'? If they aren't, then it's a feminist issue.

Well, no men aren't worrying about being called bitches, or generally being likened to animals (birds, chicks, bitches, cows) so yes it is a feminist issue.

But if something affects both genders, then it isn't likely to be a gendered/feminist issue.

Again, this doesn't affect both genders equally or to the same extent. Your example of "bastard" is false equivalence.

And I'm not saying that you're derailing because you disagree with me, I'm saying you're derailing because you're steering the conversation away from what the OP was talking about towards something else.

iminshock · 02/04/2016 23:33

agree 100% with grim.
Bastard is absolutely an insult exclusively directed at men. Especially on here.

iminshock · 02/04/2016 23:35

"Classic derailing "

Ha ha ha

Grimarse · 03/04/2016 00:21

The OP said this - but I can't really articulate as to WHY it upsets me so much. I feel like it's really sexist

That was the bit I was addressing. I was discussing whether or not it was sexist - how is that derailing? Oh, and as for pet names for men - male chauvinist pig? Son of a bitch?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/04/2016 06:27

And the more people try to pretend that 'bastard' is ever used to describe women, just because it can, the weaker their argument seems

Agreed. Even in a historical context bastard is not used about women

PalmerViolet · 03/04/2016 07:27

Really sorry to hear that Humble, hope things work out well for you.

HapShawl · 03/04/2016 08:42

Scallops never said anything about whether "bastard" is used directly towards women. She said it is misogynistic in meaning, which is different

Which equally applies to "son of a bitch"

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