I have made a most unfeminist decision and I am struggling with it

[PacificDogwod]

I identify as a feminist, but have made a rather unfeminist choice last year that I fully intend to stick with, but am struggling to reconcile with my feminist convictions.

Is that 'allowed'?
Does it make me a hypocrite?? I suspect so.
Is there some validity in believing in certain principles but not living by them when it comes to the crunch??
Can certain principles be right and proper but don't applied in all cases??

I'd rather make this a general discussion than going in to ins and outs of it all wrt to us here - we've got a very good counsellor for that

[museumum]

"On principle" you should do what YOU want to do. So if you're staying cause he is controlling you or because you fear being judged by others or for any reason other than you actually want to then that's not great.
But if you genuinely honestly believe it's what you want, even after interrogating all the other reasons why it might be the easier option, then that is your choice to freely make.

[gleam]

Is it not utterly feminist to stay, because you've chosen to stay? As it would be equally feminist to leave if you wanted to.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Yes, if we uppity women knew our places, the world would be so much better!

But.

Don't answer if you prefer not - but, is there a situation where you'd feel 'allowed' to make the opposite decision? Eg., could you see it happening when the children were adults, or when your parents (apologies for raising it) had passed on? I'm not asking to make you think of unpleasant eventualities, but just because for me, it helps clarify why I'm second-guessing myself.

[PacificDogwod]

Oh, yes, there ARE circumstances in which I could see myself making alternative choices.
Children/ageing parents come into it, but also, strangely, HIS distress that I know he would experience. Daft reason, but there you go.
And then there is the stupid fact that I am rather fond of the git...

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Not a daft reason in the slightest!

[Movingonmymind]

Am in a not dissimilar position, OP and well-meaning friends with grown up or no kids have implored me to leave. Another quietly suggested planning, saving and getting "resourced up" to do so first. Seemingly very unfeminist (used to be termed a "running away fund", j believe) but actually not as that way lies choice, options and some control. My df also thinks j should stay. Had never considered how patriarchical his arguments were also before now.

[Movingonmymind]

You're fond of him? Well that IS a good reason to stay!

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Don't you dare heap yet more guilt upon yourself op, do you hear?

If you've made your decision then go with it for a year or two (it's not forever) whilst in the meantime quietly getting on with living a bit more like you actually are single and actually not in a lt relationship. So be a bit less available, a bit more autonomous, a bit less involved in picking up the slack. Is that possible?

[PacificDogwod]

Aw, thank you all!
No guilt here, far too selfish for that, bibbity!

Moving, I hope you are ok.

I am in a really fortunate (and I realise not entirely typical) position that if I wanted us to split, we could, and I could go it alone. So, I am far less 'trapped' than many another woman, and I value that hugely.

[whattheseithakasmean]

I wouldn't leave a relationship for a 'principle', but I would if I didn't love them. In matters of the heart, I think principles are over rated. If you still love and desire him, that is worth staying & working on. If there ain't no love then there ain't no use, as they say, regardless of principles.

[PacificDogwod]

Oh gawd, yes, bibbity, I just reread your 2nd paragraph, that is exactly what I am doing: making myself a priority for myself a priority. Quite good fun actually

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Make a list of your reasons for staying OP and review them. If you decided to stay for your own benefit then you have not made an unfeminist choice.

How would feminism have benefitted if you chose to leave?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Ooh, no!

I disagree entirely that being fond of him is a good reason to stay.

I'm very fond of my ex-husband. In fact I think he's a lovely man. But it was absolutely the right thing for me to go. The fondness was a big part of what made it all complicated.

[Twinklestein]

Why is staying with a cheat 'unfeminist' OP? (I'm guessing here...)

[PacificDogwod]

I'm not sure there are 'good' reasons, just reasons.

Feminism probably doesn't give a flying fart whether I stay or go (or rather he goes)

Twinkle, I feel I am somehow endorsing his past behaviour by staying.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

I don't think what you decide to do within the context of your own marriage has anything to do with feminism.

You should stay (if you do) because you want to be there, because you believe that on balance you will be happier within the relationship than without it. There is obviously the huge consideration of children - and again I don't think it is 'unfeminist' to consider the happiness of your children weighed alongside your own.

Absolutely nothing wrong with making sure that you come further up your own pecking order though :)

[WhoKn0wsWhereTheMistletoes]

I think it is OK to make non-feminist decisions provided you acknowledge that fact and also try and redress the balance in other ways that you can live with. None of us exist in a vacuum, whether we like it or not we are influenced by both our own family and friends and wider society and ultimately we do what is best for our own situation.

As for this particular situation, I think the feminist part is that you have kept yourself in the position where you could leave if you chose to do so, you have equality that way. No one knows that is round the corner, you may stay forever, you may at some point choose to leave, but the key thing is keeping for yourself the ability to live independently, then those patriarchal pressures to stay are weakened.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

For hundreds of years men have been using marriage as a means to have a more comfortable existence, the happiness of children, the social standing and so on, even while knowing that a relationship isn't 'perfect'.

I don't really see why women cannot do the same, but then I am an extremely pragmatic sort of person and I'm aware my views aren't to everyone's taste!

[GreenTomatoJam]

Making the choice to stay can always be changed. If you left, then that's a lot harder to undo.

so perhaps another thing feeding in is a not burning bridges/wait and see/first, do no harm/better the devil you know etc. reasoning

[PacificDogwod]

Oh, you've verbalised it very nicely for me, WhoKowns, thank you.
I do feel secure in the knowledge that I have the means to live without him if I needed to.

[PacificDogwod]

I will be reviewing my stance every 6 months.
Thank you, all.

Food for thought from you all x.

[Twinklestein]

The point of feminism surely is to empower women to be free to make their own choices.

If a woman wants to go out to work or be an SAHM, whether she wants to dump a cheat or 'forgive' one - surely that's her right to decide?

Some relationships survive affairs, not many but it does happen.

The question is really whether, rather than being unfeminist you're actually being untrue to yourself, if you're eating shit to hold everything together.

[PalmerViolet]

Sorry for your troubles Pacific, glad you felt able to post.

I'd agree with what WhoKnows as well.

Everyone makes unfeminist choices, even while knowing they are. A lot of feminists change their name on marriage, for example. Acknowledging that the choice we've made might not be the best for womankind as a whole, but works for us for reasons is ok, I think.

That's not to say that every choice a feminist makes is the feminist choice, but you obviously considered the pros and cons of your situation, and have made rational decisions with the chance to review.

Hope that made sense, and hope things pan out as you want them to.

[Twinklestein]

Who says it's unfeminist to change your name?

Where is the board on which the rules of feminism are written?

Is this thread not falling into the trap of some kind of stereotyped idea of 'feminism'.

[WhoKn0wsWhereTheMistletoes]

I get hot under the collar on threads about namechanging on marriage, Miss/Mrs/Ms etc, not because people want to do those things, it is their right to choose and we are fortunate that we can do so, but because some posters INSIST that they are feminist decisions just because they were made by feminists.