Peoples utter misunderstanding of domestic abuse..

[Ledkr]

I had to come here to offload a bit as I'm feeling a bit pissed off.
I'm a survivor of extreme dv abd I now work with victims but I rarely comment on threads other than to signpost.
Today there is a thread on which the advice includes "knock the twat out" or "if anyone treated me this way Id laugh my head off"
It's so sad to see this utter lack of understanding of the complexities of abuse.
No wonder women keep it quiet.

Yes indeed, hedgehogs.

I think it would be a shame if abuse victims could only be given official/ generic advice. If they have an Internet connection they can access information about domestic abuse. What they come to mn for is to be heard by actual people, and to hear from them.

Just saying 'I'm not qualified to help but here's a link to an official source' isn't the connection most posters want, is it.

I think most people need to be reassured that even though they are not being beaten every day, it's still abuse.
That they can also access help. And will be heard.
That other people do believe the emotional abuse.
To clarify the situation that they feel is not quite normal or healthy.

That's exactly what I was thinking, Buffy !

Great thread. I agree with all this. People giving terrible advice to women in abusive relationships is the one thing that angers me the most about mumsnet! More than any troll or personal insult! It stresses me out so much to think that the woman might be taking on board the unhelpful comments and advice.

I often link to this article about emotional abuse - it's the best online resource I've seen. I agree though that a dedicated MN page with myth busters and links to resources would be brilliant - for victims and well-intentioned but ignorant "advisers".

"men suffer DV too"

A myth put forward by MRAs.

*from DV

triafemm

I think the point of this thread is that there are no social groups who are immune to being victims of domestic abuse.

I fucking hate the comparison with makes suffering too.
Of course it's an issue but incomparable in my opinion.
I had a skull fracture and perforated eardrum from one beating by bare hands. I doubt I could ever do that to a man!
Shall we have a plan then?
Maybe we could amalgamate what is already on this thread as a start.

Bloody hell Ledkr. I am so glad you got away.

Thanks.
It was so many years ago that I can talk about it with no emotion.
Wgen I saw him on xmas Eve in the hospital (obv both had appointments) I was desperate to get away from him but only because I don't want his being to contaminate my nice life.
I'm determined that my exoeriences were not a waste of time and that I can help others.
I've also had to cope with my mother playing the whole thing down and telling me I havr made it up

Yup I hear you Ledkr, and I'm so sorry that happened to you.

My neck has been so severely damaged by just one blow that I'm still severely effected four years later.

Like it or not, gender makes a difference ... Though I think the myths should steer clear of that minefield.

STBXH 'lashed out' in the moment in the middle of an argument, 'just one push' and 'he didn't even know he did it', obviously he 'can't be blamed for it, it was instinct', oh and the best one, it's not his fault if I got hurt as he wasn't aiming at my neck/ didn't mean to hit hard/ in fact didn't hit me that hard, I was making it up, and no one else would have got hurt from just one hit.

His 'just one punch' on the front of my neck

• threw me across the room (from a sitting position, quite hard to do I'd say)
• hit the back of my head on the wall that halted my progress flying across the room
• the force of the back of my head hitting the wall caused me to lose consciousness (then vomit after I think?)
• ripped muscles and soft tissue at the bit that joins neck to skull, like whiplash in a car accident
• caused permanent damage of vertebrae and facet joints
• plus disc damage and a trapped nerve too

And I was just worried about the bruise as my cover up stick didn't match my neck colour. Ffs!

That's what happens when someone much stronger and much more violent 'just hits out one time'... I don't think my thump would cause the same damage do you?

In fact I think I may have done a two handed push away at some point after that 'first hit', though it's all a little blurry. But I do know I didn't make even a hand print / red mark at the time, let alone a bruise after, (he went topless a lot), and not so much with the internal damage he caused... I was utterly inept and useless at stopping him and thank God he stopped of his own choice. I had run towards my baby's bedroom door, instinct to stand in between him and the door.

He had taken the phone and was sneering at me for trying to call the police, saying he would call the police on me, and I was begging him to, please call them, then tried to move towards me and the bedroom door.

You post really brings back that feeling of total terror tucked away in your own home with nowhere to run or anyone to help.
I once sat naked (he used to take all my clothes so I couldn't escape) in the bay window in the dead of night after a beating.
I was hoping he would stay asleep but had already decided that Id run down the road naked rather than face another beating.
These stories are the truth about domestic abuse, the utter terror of being attacked in your own home and fearing you will die on a regular basis.
I hope you are safe now

the utter terror of being attacked in your own home and fearing you will die on a regular basis.

Thankfully it never got as bad as for you, but that is why I left. My ex weighed twice more than me and 20cm taller. One slap threw me on my side.
After a death threat I decided I couldn't live in fear in my home and just left. No clothes, just my purse.
But I had a good income and family that would support me.
I know it must feel impossible with no income or no outside help.

I also think people do not really understand the invisible wall which exists between abuse victims and the police. To be honest I don't really understand it myself. I just know it's there. But I see victims being told all the time to call the police as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do, when the reality is you might as well tell them to reach up and pluck the moon from the sky.

In my experience the police were brilliant and pivotal in my breaking free. But I couldn't break down that invisible wall myself. Never. It was my neighbour who made the call. Once that call was made the wall was gone. I didn't get out straight away but the next time I called them myself because that barrier had been removed.

That's interesting. Because I called them myself first. But it did take a lot of determination. And not really thinking about it.

Was that after the first incident?

My copper husbabd is amazing.
He will go to the ends of the Earth to get a conviction and goes out of his way to try and inspire victims to get help abd leave.
I sit on risk assessment panels and volunteer for rape crisis.
I simply will not allow what hapoened to be in vain!
I am a force to be reckoned with abd my daughter is fast becoming the same!

Was that after the first incident?
No, the second.
You know, give one chance and all that... I know better now.

I left after about 4 yrs. I was 19 with a two year old and pregnant with the second.
Age, fear and lack of support keot me there so long.
I would have most definitely been murdered.
I left in the end as I feared for my life. That simple.
He attacked and hounded me for about a year afterwards. I used to get cab drivers to wait outside while I checked the house when I got home.
His dad was an abuser and I know two of his brothers were too.

I never left. For me the path to freedom began with the police recognising that I would always go back. Not to him, but to my home. I needed the support to make him leave (eventually by force in the back of a police car). The first time he was the one to 'leave' was the last. I closed the front door as the police car drove away with him and it was like a physical weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The hold was broken. I was free. He turned up a few times after and tried to force entry but his power was gone.

Sorry Ledkr I hope I didn't bring it back in a bad way.

I am indeed safe, though no thanks to the agencies who were supposed to help. I'm always so glad when it goes well and posters on here make that first step of speaking out and it turns people's lives around...

A myth section is a good idea. One more to add is that sometimes violence begins after a split. My ex was always controlling and manipulative . Had to be the big man but wasn't actually violent until
We split then he was awful.

I'm glad the police were helpful for some of you but here they weren't When he punched me in the head and threatened me with rape they took a week to turn up after promising that they'd be there in half an hour. he'd assaulted me several more times in that week We have kids so he's still around , I live in the house and he's legally entitled to a key and comes in whenever he wants So no not overly impressed with police cps and the justice system