Could we have a talk about perceptions of SAHP?

[ISaySteadyOn]

I am a SAHM and I am growing a little tired of what I perceive to be a large amount of negativity towards SAHP in general. Now, I learned from this board that SAHMing and feminism are not mutually exclusive which is why I am posting here. Ironically, given this board's reputation, I feel less likely to be flamed if I post here.

It seems, and please tell me I am wrong, that SAHP especially SAHM are often perceived to be braindead dependent freeloaders. The oft repeated quote' Oh, I could never be a SAHP, I have to use my brain' really hurts my feelings. This is because it suggests that the things a SAHM does don't require brain power and maybe for some it doesn't.

I am someone who is struggling with learning basic housekeeping as my parents thought that sort of thing was beneath them and juggling 3 small children as well. Maybe this sort of learning uses my brain differently than my failed attempts at academia did (and that really hurt as that is what counted in my family growing up), but does that mean it has inherently less value?

I suppose I'm wondering whether SAHPing has a negative reputation because women do it or is it primarily women who do it because it has a negative reputation?

Anyway, those are my thoughts, would love to hear some others.

God, I would have loved to hand over my 2 sometimes! :)
Looking after kids full time (I will not use the term full time mum, I find that offensive to wohm) is fucking hard.
Hardest thing I've never done.
I'm glad I have been able to do it and I do think that sometimes the nasty comments about sahms come from women who wish they could be.
And sometimes the nasty comments about wohms come from women who wish they could be.
But until women actually support each other in their choices - or especially if it isn't a choice - then we are fucked and the patriarchy wins yet again.

Baby...whilst I have been a sahm I have;

Completed ou courses (3) and would have continued had the fees not gone up.
Been a school governor
Been a school EAL reading helper
Been secretary to the local parochial church council - 2 years
Ran holiday clubs

Not all sahms sit and watch homes under the hammer in their pants yes I may have done this too

I think There is a difference between a SAHP and a domestic slave. I've been a SAHP for a year now, lucky my DH did 6 months paternity leave before I was forced into this role and he gets it. I absolutely pity any poor person who has to ask for housekeeping or even just a £10 to spend on themselves, does all housework and childcare because their partner sees them as a scrounger.

Instead of judging women all the time why not judge the dads? I don't mind having a little dig at a father who thinks its a badge of honour to have never changed a nappy.

I've trained to be a BF supporter and volunteer locally it's keeping my CV active, I think you got to think of the worst case scenarios.

I don't mind voicing my mind when anyone dares to criticise either SAHP or WOHP. Funnily enough usually middle aged or older people, seems you can never bloody win.

And don't get me started on my next door neighbour who asked if I was on the 'social' because I am pregnant with my third. Because obviously unless you are filthy rich any other SAHM is automatically claiming benefits, and therefore a drain on society.

Hakas, I don't believe that caring is disrespected because women do it.

The important thing is that individuals who have spent long periods caring are well represented in influential roles either after caring responsibilities or combined with them.

That is the feminist issue.

I don't think sahms sit watching homes under the hammer either. But, if they run a business from home I wouldn't say they were SAHMs. I'd just say they work from home. There is a lot of other stuff which sahms can do but it's not specific to their status as SAHm is it? I have a friend who woth FT who is a school governer, I'm a volunteer, and lots of people study around work and family. I think they're just things people "do"- not specific to being a sahm

They are just things people do- that's why sahm or wohm don't bother mentioning it.

I'm trying to think how many male carers I know....
In my village I guess it's 2. Only children and care for their elderly parents.
My Dh worked with a few guys who retired to care for their elderly parents - don't know if they were onlys.

True.

Hakas, I don't believe that caring is disrespected because women do it.

You see, I do believe that - women's work is traditionally undervalued and underpaid. I think if more men were carers, then it may indeed become possible that 'individuals who have spent long periods caring are well represented in influential roles either after caring responsibilities or combined with them'.

Because women are currently not well represented in influential roles, let alone women with caring responsibilities.

I have to say that if my dh was one of those men who didn't view all money as ours then I would never have stayed a sahm and we would have parted company very quickly. It does worry me though that wider society doesn't consider all money as ours.

As an aside, I don't think sahm should feel bad about not stretching themselves intellectually 24/7 and sometimes watching homes under the hammer, in their pants I am a secret teen mom watcher . My teens are as demanding as my 8 year old, just in different ways. They are keeping me very busy when they are not at school. There are other things going on in my life which are making me feel stressed. When my dc are at school I sometimes want to do something which requires no thought at all. It's no different to someone coming home from work and wanting to watch the football or Eastenders, which I would never judge someone for doing.

People...it's interesting you say that....my ds1 is 12.5 and I'm finding that he needs me more ATM than he has in a long time.
Long chats about puberty, and girls, and the future and exams....obv all stuff he worries about and needs to talk through.

I've seen SAHM-ing from two ends of the scale.

When I first went on mat leave with DS1, and then decided not to return to work it was largely because the childcare and costs for working - 2nd car etc - were going to leave us out of pocket. DH really wasn't earning a huge amount at that point, and things were tight.
Fast forward just over 7 years, and we are pretty well off. Both the children are at school, and I have a lot of time to myself. I pursue my own interests, go for a facial and a haircut when I want to. We have a cleaner.

I am enjoying myself hugely But, I'm planning to go back to work within the year. I am retraining in the spring and then going to look for work.

Being at home with the children when they were small was hugely challenging for me - like badders said upthread, it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I am very glad I did it, they have benefitted massively from having me around and I wouldn't change anything. Now they are both at school though, I need a new challenge.

Ali...there were times I hated it :(
I had late inset pnd after ds1 which didn't help.
I wish there was more support for all women...those who stay at home whether from choice or not, and those who work, from choice or not.
Because I think both groups feel judged.

Glad things have worked out for you Ali :)

Badds i did too, I was diagnosed at 8 months. I was lucky that by then I had got into a bit of a routine with classes and made a couple of friends - and DH had already found a new job and was getting paid considerably more which eased the money stresses. Tbh it was partly why I decided not to go back to work - depression and working for nothing was not an appealing combination!

Do the people on this thread who are saying "I supported my husband's career " realise that you are making it harder for all other working women to work their way up the chain? Because by letting a parent of a child off all aspects of parenting, you make it harder for other working parents because it's even less of a level playing field.

5what is that supposed to mean ? Are women not meant to support partners just in case it stops women getting ahead that does not make sense? I know no woman who actually does any of my jobs dh did most of the females come in at graduate level so actually skip ahead and dont shovel the actual shit he used to shovel.

Where did I say that
That dh did not do his fair share?
Where?

And my dh is a bloody good parent who did his share too

Do the people on this thread who are saying "I supported my husband's career " realise that you are making it harder for all other working women to work their way up the chain? Because by letting a parent of a child off all aspects of parenting, you make it harder for other working parents because it's even less of a level playing field.
Not quite sure if I count as one of these... We did what we did because DH was obviously going to be able to earn much more than I ever would. I did almost post that until there cease to be jobs which demand so much, there would always be SAHPs. There is no reason, whilst such jobs exist, why a father can't be the one to stay at home. Other, obviously, than social pressure.

As for letting a parent of a child off all aspects of parenting, well, no, I didn't, not at all. He pulled his weight evenings and weekends. In fact, he's through in the kitchen now, at the table, with DC3, going through some complicated A Level maths*, despite having been out of the house for almost 12 hours today (as is standard).

Yes that bothers me aye.

I wouldn't ever say I support dhs career just because I don't see it like that. It's a different perspective I guess.

I know plenty of men with SAH wives who do almost zero domestic work, work very long hours and travel frequently, and parent only at weekends.

It is very hard for parents of either sex who have a different set up to compete. Employers don't help.

Aye , what were we supposed to do? In the end we can only make the choices which we judge will have the best outcomes for our own families.
Personally I don't think I owe it to other women to make choices which may be detrimental to my own family just so that they are not disadvantaged in the workplace. That is a wider societal issue and caught up with nationsl provision of childcare and other things that individuals have no control over. Are those women losing any sleep over the fact that I am at a disadvantage financially, should I get divorced? I suspect not.

Yes this