Could we have a talk about perceptions of SAHP?

[ISaySteadyOn]

I am a SAHM and I am growing a little tired of what I perceive to be a large amount of negativity towards SAHP in general. Now, I learned from this board that SAHMing and feminism are not mutually exclusive which is why I am posting here. Ironically, given this board's reputation, I feel less likely to be flamed if I post here.

It seems, and please tell me I am wrong, that SAHP especially SAHM are often perceived to be braindead dependent freeloaders. The oft repeated quote' Oh, I could never be a SAHP, I have to use my brain' really hurts my feelings. This is because it suggests that the things a SAHM does don't require brain power and maybe for some it doesn't.

I am someone who is struggling with learning basic housekeeping as my parents thought that sort of thing was beneath them and juggling 3 small children as well. Maybe this sort of learning uses my brain differently than my failed attempts at academia did (and that really hurt as that is what counted in my family growing up), but does that mean it has inherently less value?

I suppose I'm wondering whether SAHPing has a negative reputation because women do it or is it primarily women who do it because it has a negative reputation?

Anyway, those are my thoughts, would love to hear some others.

I am a forced sahm i dont mean actually forced but i am disabled and i could not manage children and working it just wouldnt be possible for me to manage as dh worked shifts and i needed to be as fit as i could for my children . I resented oh you are lucky you dont need to work or you must be able to afford it or the worst of all urgh my brain would be mush if i sah i do volunteer and work a few hours now but i now get aww least you are keeping busy. Women/mothers imo cant win whatever thsy chose to do.

I became a long-term SAHM due to DH's job. There is no way he could have moved into the role he ended up in had I gone back to my old job: he was out of the house 13-14 hours a day and either one or both of us or our marriage would have disintegrated under the strain. He went on to earn far more than I ever could, and we went on to have quite a large family, further complicating my ever returning to work FT. Not that I cared, as my 'career' had not been terribly thrilling.

I did work PT when the DC were small, and am now bolstering up my qualifications while running the house, the dogs and the family. I don't regret the years I spent SAHMing, but I don't think I was a terribly good role model to my DC.

But, as a previous poster said, damned if you and damned if you don't.

That's sort of a similar position I find myself in.
Dh has just had a promotion - which is great - but it means more long haul travel and with 2 DC in school, I need family friendly hours...just like lots of over people!
I've tried to keep my skills up, have done ou courses, and voluntary work but ime employers don't care about any of that.
No idea what to do tbh

This has been a really interesting read and also feels very supportive of all women's choices. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to it.

Badders123, I wish I knew too. I do actually have an MSc but I am not ruthless enough for academia or at least not ruthless enough for the field I was in.

The 'my brain would be mush' thing assumes that everyone's brain works the same so tbh, I'd call that idle thinking. I'm dyspraxic so learning to do ordinary household tasks takes a lot longer than someone else who has more dexterity. Thus that part of SAHMing actually does challenge my brain.

Not sure what more to say, but I am glad I started this thread.

It's something I'm struggling with ATM.
I did take on a pt weekend retail job but with Dhs promotion I have had to give up.
Can't say I'm sorry...rubbish shifts and rubbish pay.
But I would like to use my skills - many years of dealing with people in person and over the phone, sometimes in difficult circumstances - in fact I did wonder about training as a counsellor!

Lumela why do you think you were not a good example to your dc? Forgive me if I got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds like you are buying into the notion that you are only a good example if you are directly generating money.

There are loads of different ways to bring up kids and set a good example. Mine have been taught that it's simply a division of labour decision - that their dad and I needed someone to be at home looking after them and someone to earn money and this is how we divided it up. Other families may do it differently. I am trying to steer my kids away from the moral judgements people make about sah.

Have to admit that it hurts me when people treat my time as less important because I am not at work or behave as if I don't have an active mind because I don't have a paid job!

My mum was a SAHM for about twenty years and was an excellent role model. She took care of all of us as well as helping many others in the community. She's very intelligent and political too. And funny. All these things made her a good role model.

My dds are grown well 1 almost i tried to do bits and pieces as they grew up i did a few college courses short ones and i started volunteering as soon as dd2 went to secondary i wanted to be a positive role model i am not sure that sah isnt a negative for children to see though this is going to sound soppy but if you are a family you do what you can to keep that family running so if a parent stays home and it works for everybody then i can only see that as positive role modeling.

I think it's been very positive for my kids.
It's also meant that I have been around for my mum since my dad died.
BUT for me personally it has not been all roses.
I am spoken down to, patronised and treated like I am stupid.
There have been times that I have been very very lonely.
I think I am going to get back into voluntary work. I gave up when dad died and mum got ill but I think I need to do something.

Oh yeah its not always been great i am not the most natural homemaker i did struggle when they were little but i guess we all struggle

Badders, I'm sorry that you've been lonely and experienced bereavement.

I really appreciate it that people dedicate themselves to their families, spending time with elderly family members and children. It transforms the lives of families.

Almond...it's ok.
People only patronise me once :)
I feel very fortunate in a way that I have been able to be there for mum. We lost dad very unexpectedly and sadly mum then had a heart attack the same day.
Very difficult times.
Ds2 has also had a torrid time if it health wise lately and I am glad I can focus on him and not stress about missing work/letting colleagues down.

Sympathy Badders.

On the broader feminist issue,whilst people dedicating themselves to their families may be lovely and commendable,it is seldom people, is it? It is nearly always women. With the concomitant reduction in ability to earn money and thus be independent from a man, if they so choose. It leaves the man with all the choices - wife devotes herself to family and is left without a career, his career can go stellar and he can move onto another wife/more children, if he wishes.

Whilst respecting individual choices, we do need to frame them within a broader narrative if we want societal change - or it may be that most women now are broadly happy with the status quo? I really don't know.

I think we need to make sure that women with caring responsibilities have more support and stability, both financial and emotional. They also need more opportunities to combine caring with other roles, whether that be during or after periods of caring.

I don't think that women are happy with the status quo of carers being treated poorly by society.

It's certainly something I am aware of.
I can only speak of myself obv but as far as I am concerned Dhs salary is "ours"
He could not do his job if I wasn't at home with the DC.
It's that simple.
It bothers me that if he left me for a younger model I would be in the shit (pardon my language!) but I guess I choose to believe he wouldn't do that. You are certainly vulnerable as a sahp.
And yes, it is usually women who take on the caring roles.
I dont know why this is...societal expectations? Gender pay gap? Familial expectations? Probably all of the above.
From a personal PoV I have just done what was best for me and my family at the time.
Can't say a lot of thought went into it! :)

I don't think that women are happy with the status quo of carers being treated poorly by society.

But are women happy with the status quo of women rather than men being carers? I am genuinely interested in other views.

Personally, I think it sucks that women always get landed with the caring role, but others would see me as capitalism's handmaiden Maybe women don't want to relinquish caring, but I suspect until men start doing it, it will always get the shitty end of the stick.

There are so many women juggling their own families, a job and caring responsibilities.
It's something that many many 40/50 something's are dealing with.
Yet it's just not talked about, is it?
Many women are dealing with their DC leaving home, the menopause and elderly frail relatives.
You just don't see articles about this stuff in Cosmo etc.
It's so hard at times. My mum is like a 70 year old toddler :(

You know you can make something of yourself being a SAHM. My target is to make £250 this week. So far I made £45 in an hour with a few clicks on the computer sat on sofa trading on the Exchange.OK, I'm not a breadwinner at the moment but my earnings are not to be sniffed at. I'm studying the piano and music theory and currently reading a book by Stephen Hawkins. I'm not boasting, just saying this is a typical day being a SAHM whilst my kids are at school. The world is at your fingertips especially the Internet on tap. I'm far more intellectual now than working in my city job helping others make money.

I challenge the notion of SAHM when there is so much I want to achieve and do in my life. I contribute a lot to a dinner discussion. Am I the only SAHM like this? Most of SAHM are pretty super in that they have loads of interests

Perception not notion sorry!

I have lots of interests, yes.
Just lack the time and money to indulge in them :)

I couldn't care less on a personal level about negative perceptions of sahm. I just think: you don't know..

I also dislike the 'I admire sahm'. It's patronising rubbish- and again- what do you know?

Cookie I would describe you as working from home rather than a SAHM. I freelanced when mine were little & considered myself a freelancer, not a SAHM, though I worked around their schedule. I have a friend with a successful social media business and she certainly wouldn't describe herself as a SAHM.

For me, a SAHM has no income but that which her man provides - which is problematical for feminism.

Oh yeah...I was called a prostitute once on the feminism board :)
Which - I have to tell you - was annoying on 2 levels...

1. Dh didn't earn much at the time
2. We didn't have much sex

So.... A prostitute...but a really bad one :)

I think you are quite unusual cookie. Quite a lot of the SAHMs I know didn't like working and were positively overjoyed to give it up. Others don't earn enough for childcare.
I feel like I'm the only person who works FT sometimes. I don't mind handing her over to someone else. Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I'm
Relieved to be away. Men can say that but women can't.

The difficult thing about being a WOTH parent is the dreary admin of running a house has to happen at the weekends, and that should be quality time.

To be prefectly honest I think when you earn a good salary it's hard to consider giving it up. Earning a grand or two a month just wouldn't cut it. Also my main experience of SAHm was maternity which I Loved, but it wasn't fulfilling. It was baby classes, talking to people you don't have much in common with, driving go family all the time. Waiting for partner to come home. I'm
Sure it's different if you have close family and friends

I don't think cookie is unusual at all (apologies cookie)
Many sahm I know have loads of interests/roles that they would love to make more money from.