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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

changed my surname but hate this way of being addressed

32 replies

DidIMissSomething · 05/10/2015 11:01

I took my husbands surname on marriage which I'm happy with - we married young and actually a new name gave me a chance to forge my own identity. However I've noticed more and more recently that we are referred to as Mr and Mrs his initial surname or infuriatingly I alone am addressed as Mrs his initial surname. This drives me nuts. Yes we've got one family name but I do still exist as a separate person not just an appendage.

Should I challenge this - I feel like I should. DDs new school has just distributed a contact list where we are listed like this and I really hate it.

OP posts:
NiNoKuni · 05/10/2015 14:20

Oh, I really hate that. It's like my identity is being subsumed into his. Definitely tell them not to do it.

LittleRedSparke · 05/10/2015 14:23

so you want to be Mr XXX and Mrs XXX in letters etc? Instead of Mr & Mrs [his initial] XXX? Yeah, I wouldnt like that

I would be annoyed to be Mrs [his initial] XXX but Mr & Mrs XXX wouldnt bother me

Original poster
DidIMissSomething · 05/10/2015 16:27

Yes ideally Mr x and Mrs Y Surname or just no initials at all - it's giving me his initial that really gets my back up. I'm sure most people would think I'm over reacting and if I'm so bothered shouldn't have taken his name but I married nearly 20 years ago and my views have matured in that time!

OP posts:
Pedestriana · 05/10/2015 16:31

Annoys me too. I'm Ms XYZ MySurnameHisSurname he is Mr ABC HisSurname

But we get loads of post to Mr & Mrs XYZ HisSurname.

Spidertracker · 05/10/2015 16:35

Not something that bothers me. I married and changed my name at 18 and being Mrs his initial his surname felt grown up and official.
I still like it now on the rare occasion ,now we have lost my grandmothers, that we get a letter addressed that way.

scallopsrgreat · 06/10/2015 00:42

It's funny (or not so funny) how men don't feel grown up by being called by their wife's name, isn't it?

I didn't even change my name and get addressed like this (not by the school though thankfully!). By people who should know better. It's insulting tbh.

ALassUnparalleled · 06/10/2015 01:04

I felt grown up and official when I got my first cheque book , aged 18, with my name on it, which is still my name.

ALassUnparalleled · 06/10/2015 01:05

I suppose that's a rite of passage which has gone now.

shovetheholly · 06/10/2015 08:24

It's a relic of a time when the woman legally 'belonged' to a man, and had no legal status at all. She was just a chattel, passed from father to husband. She couldn't divorce except in the most extreme cases (and her word on these things didn't count for much), or own property in her own right. I've done a bit of work on the effects this had on real life women in the nineteenth century, and the kind of oppression they endured was unbelievable.

You are not being unreasonable.

Original poster
DidIMissSomething · 06/10/2015 14:52

Yes holly that's exactly what I mean - it's as if I don't exist in my own right.

OP posts:
DiscoGoGo · 06/10/2015 20:14

Who is doing it?

The only thing we get like this is the annual xmas card from my mum who does it on purpose to wind me up and the one time I mentioned it said "It is the correct form of address" and looked terribly smug.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 06/10/2015 20:16

Well, if you will change your name to his.... People probably assume you're okay with the rest of it! It's a sexist tradition, but so is changing your name to your husbands, to be fair.

Owllady · 06/10/2015 20:19

I'm really surprised at the school, where do you live? The 1970s? Hmm
I changed my name but I don't belong to my husband any more than I belonging to my abusive, shit head father

DiscoGoGo · 06/10/2015 20:28

It is no longer traditional for women to be called by their husband's full name eg Mrs Harold Wilson, most people would think it was weird if a company sent out mailshots like that.

It's the same for Mrs H Wilson. If your name is Sarah.... You're not there are you. Unless changed your name to Harold when you got married as well. Most women don't do that.

That is exactly like my mum actually "It's an INVIOLABLE TRADITION" No it isn't you bastard you just KNOW I don't like it and so you relish doing it.

DiscoGoGo · 06/10/2015 20:30

Just thought.

Harold says, I want to be called Sarah, everyone says OK fine we'll respect that.

Woman says I want to be called Sarah not Harold and large number of people say tough fuck you, you're Harold now and that's what I'm going to call you whether you like it or not.

Owllady · 06/10/2015 20:36

But surely the vast majority of people don't call wives by their husbands names, especially not a school!
My family aren't particularly open minded but even I get called by my name! I can only once remember being called Mrs initial of h' s name by a very elderly aunt and I've forgiven her as she didn't do it offensively

I'm more annoyed I've been removed from our joint tenancy agreement with the letting agent as I earnt less than my husband. It makes me fume tbqh, though atm admittedly I'm out of paid employment (I have a severely disabled teenage child awaiting major surgery)

OddlyLogical · 06/10/2015 21:04

The only time I have ever had correspondence addressed to me like that is from my MIL - I hate it
I have never had anything formal in that format - certainly wouldn't expect it from school, that's really odd.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 06/10/2015 21:13

I was brought up to address letters to married couples in the format Mr and Mrs DHInitial Surname if the woman had taken the husband's surname. Longer term I supposed I assumed (wrongly) that if the woman was following the sexist traditions of changing surname and title she'd expect the traditional form of address on Christmas cards etc too. I stopped a couple of years ago after another thread like this. I've never used the husband's initial when addressing the woman singly though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 18:21

I'm surprised at the school too. There are certainly many more people on our class list with one parent, two parents/two surnames and double-barrelled or single- and double-barrelled than there are Mr and Mrs Someone. That sentence made no sense! What I'm trying to say is that there are very few couples with one surname on DD's class list.

LineyReborn · 08/10/2015 18:24

Jesus, I saw this happen when I was a child in the 70s and I thought was bloody awful then.

Of course challenge it - just correct them with the right initial.

phoolani · 08/10/2015 18:28

If you're going to change your name to your husband's I'm pretty sure this was only to be expected.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/10/2015 18:35

If you're going to change your name to your husband's I'm pretty sure this was only to be expected. I don't agree. Firstly, it's old-fashioned and therefore not really to be expected. Secondly, my last name was my father's. And, for that matter, my mother's, brother's and others'. My first name is mine, all mine. It was given to me with love and care not just legally what I was always going to be called. 'Losing' your first name is a much bigger deal to me than my last name.

Ironically I took Sir Terry's first and last names but neither of my DH's.

JassyRadlett · 08/10/2015 18:46

If you're going to change your name to your husband's I'm pretty sure this was only to be expected.

Really? Another reason I'm glad I didn't change my last name, if it meant also giving up my first...

My PILs manage to send a flipping anniversary card to Mr and Mrs DHinitial DHLastname. I find it almost impressive that they've managed to use none of my names or my title.

MrsJoyless · 08/10/2015 19:15

I sometimes post on threads where women are planning to change their names and I warn them that this is what they are signing up to. They have all ignored me, I just don't think they believe it will happen.

crazywomanreturns · 08/10/2015 19:55

Quit your whining op