Single mothers using sperm banks

[idealiseme]

You may have read about how in Scandinavia especially it has become very common for women to use sperm banks and ever larger numbers of women are using them and becoming single mothers. I see this as entirely positive. Vox pop of women at work 75/25 in favour yet of 20 men asked, only 1 said he thought it was a good thing. I know they probably feel threatened, redundant etc but I would have thought some of them would be able to see the good points.

I'm also confused by Nooka's point. If two parents are better than one, then surely three parents are better than two?

I would have thought the most stable arrangement for a child, with the least chance of breakdown between the adults, would be a mother raising the child with the help of biological family members of hers? Mothers become estranged from partners far more often than they do from sisters, brothers, their own mothers etc.

I'm not one of them Beatrice. And yes almond, my issue is purely with the anonymity. Before I met my biological mother's family I used to say that I didn't want my mother back, I just would have liked a couple of hours with her to ask her all the questions I had about me. And when I did meet them, I got the answers I needed.

Children born after 2005 (in the UK at any rate) have the right to trace their donor.

However, as with most things, everyone will be different and some children aren't remotely interested in their genetic heritage whilst for others it will be key. Some may resent their parent(s); some may not. However, this applies to so many areas of raising a child that to use it as a reason why a woman should not raise a child alone is both bizarre and cruel.

Many children in the world suffer. For the most part, evidence suggests children born to same sex and single women who use sperm banks do not form the vast percentages of children who do.

Additional parental figures are good too, sure. Why wouldn't that be the case? Personally I don't have an 'issue' with any parents except for bad ones, I don't think that choices should be taken away from people and absolutely it would be a better world if a cadre of men didn't think that they could behave like shits and still get the women that they want essentially because of biology.

I just think it would be even better if most children had both biological parents and their wider families as positive influences in their lives.

I didn't say that additional parents were good. I said they were better, by your reasoning.

By your reasoning, a child brought up by adults in a poly relationship is better off than one brought up by a couple.

By your reasoning, a child brought up by a single mother with six siblings who are involved in the child's life is better off than one brought up by a couple who are both only children.

So we should be criticising only children who reproduce and everyone who isn't part of the poly community?

jw35 I just wanted to pick up on what you said above My 9 month old was conceived using donor sperm... It wasn't through a sperm bank though it was through a website called coparents.com

I'm sure you already know this but others thinking about this might not so I thought I should mention that legally it's not treated as donor sperm unless its through a licensed clinic. So legally speaking the man is the father of your baby and you could bring a claim for child maintenance and he could bring a claim for parental responsibility and contact with the child etc. It sounds as if this is the last thing that either of you want to do but people can end up in difficult situations in these DIY arrangements. From the law's point of view it's just the same as if you have a child with an ex-partner - the method of conception is irrelevant.

Its a great idea that single women be allowed this service legally.

But the child will own day grow to have their own opinion and rights about the circumstances of their life and lineage that may, or may not, be at odds with their mother.

If it is at odds, blowing a kids legitimate search for identity off with a question Would you rather not be born at all? would be something only a narcissist would parrot.

I think - know - that at any time, any of us might find we are in a position where a child feels resentful of or affected by a circumstance of birth.

The advantage is that single mothers by choice (though I dislike that phrase) are prepared, in a sense.

I would never dismiss someone with 'would you rather not be born at all' but it is an argument that is strong - without the donor sperm, you would not exist. Your parent might have had another child but that would not be you.

I tried, when choosing a donor, to choose someone who best offset some of my less wonderful characteristics - in particular height - at a mere 5'2 in stature, I tried to choose someone tall to at least give DC a chance at not being forced into Next Petite range for the duration of their adult life!

People also forget that sperm banks are not just for single women but for same sex couples and for heterosexual couples unable to use 'their' sperm.

Hello. Have recently conceived using a donor, who is an old friend.
I had conceived back in April but miscarried in June. Back then I was with my partner of 8 years who then left me 2 weeks after the miscarriage saying the experience 'made her realise she didn't want children'. Nice.
I then decided to go it alone and, hey presto, am 5 weeks pregnant again. Though it is lonely and difficult and I wish things had worked with my partner, I am pregnant now and will go it alone, not in an unhappy relationship. The donor and I are trying to work out his role.
First time round he was going to be hands off but has been so supportive since the miscarriage. The only worry is he has an awful boyfriend with a personality disorder, whom I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with. I would like my child to know who their father is from as soon as they want to know and allow visitation, but not sure how to get around the rest. I am thinking not putting him on birth certificate. Thus mainly in case something happens to me, in which case would want child to be adopted by my brother or ny close friends here in London. He is Italian and lives in Italy so any maintenance would have to be privately arranged anyway.
Am slightly worried about the months ahead but feel proud of myself for the courage to go it alone. Especially when I look at the misery of people waiting for someone before trying.

I know so many women and children who have been let down by crap dads who walk away, reject children again and again, replace them with a second family, do their best to avoid maintenance (and those are the ones who are just crap not abusive).

Yes, maybe a stable loving partnership of two parents might be the ideal, but it's certainly not the only way - and imo far better to have no dad than have a crap one.

I know three women who have had babies alone using donor sperm, and several more than that who are raising children alone with minimal positive emotional or financial support from mostly absent fathers. I can't see that the second scenario is better for anyone than the first.

People who are already alive are biased - of course they'd want to maintain the status quo. You cannot ask children whether they want to be born before that happens.

All in all, I do think it is rather pointless to argue from the potential child's point of view.

From the point of view of the surrounding society, I would much rather have women become single mothers on purpose than have children with a wholly unfit man, and then end up single mothers who have to cope with a horrid ex on top of single parenting.

Germany suffers from a shrinking population due to a low number of births, so much that the idiots from the political right want to ban abortion to increase the number of births, and I think in that situation, it would really be preferrable to implement proper legislation for sperm donor babies. Like, state pays child support, sperm donor neither has to pay money nor gets to sue for custody.

It is not perfect for those children, but then, whose life is? Of course children should be able to find out who their biological parents are (in fact, it should be known to the mother, anyway, because inherited diseases, etc.), but I don't think the demand for a traditional two-parent family is reasonable.