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Original poster

Chugger - "do you mean yes?"

63 replies

GinAndSonic · 02/06/2015 11:53

Am I being overly sensitive today?
I was approached by a chugger for a well known charity on a busy shopping street, im in a rush so i said no thank you, whoch he responded to with "do you mean yes?"

I was pretty annoyed, but i dont know if im being petty. I know they have a job to do but i dont see why he feels so entitled to my time that he would say that. It feels very "i can guilt the little woman into indulging me". Its plain rude if nothing else, to not take no for an answer, but just the phrasing of it felt awful. I said "what a horrible thing to say" and walked off. He then accosted me again as i left the sandwich shop i entered, to ask why i thought it was so horrible. I just sort of gawped and went "i cant think of a single situation where an.appropriate response to 'no' is 'do you mean yes?', its so disrespectful, and especially to say it to a woman who has said no to you" he apologised but i feel pretty pissed off that he felt the need to accost me a second time to ask me to explain myself.

Im not being a total arsehole here, am i?

OP posts:
UnspecialSnowflake · 02/06/2015 13:46

ProfYaffle, I was just about to post that I found chuggers were at their very worst when I had a small child in a buggy, your post just confirms my suspicions.

This thread has made me put my finger on why I loath being approached by (mostly male) chuggers so much. For years I worked in a job where I'd travel back late at night by train and walk the half a mile home through the town centre. Monday through Wednesday was normal fine, apart from Christmas time, but Thursday through Saturday I rarely got home without drunk men thinking it was ok to approach a lone female and make unpleasant/sexual/intrusive comments. Often they'd step directly in front of me so I couldn't avoid them, of follow me along the street getting increasingly annoyed as I ignored them, although why they felt I should politely reply to things like "you'd be pretty if you got contacts" or "are you a lesbian, because you look like one" I don't know. Of course this was usually followed by "I'm just having a laugh you miserable cow" when I didn't rise to the bate.

I've just realised The chuggers feel like a sanctioned version of this, let's stop women in the street and intimidate them, but instead of it all being "a laugh, banter" it's all for charity so it's ok Hmm.

shaska · 02/06/2015 13:56

That's an incredibly bad taste 'lighthearted' remark. And would only be said to a woman I think.

I mean, everyone's familiar with 'she meant yes'. I guess the chugger didn't think about it, but he was basically making a rape joke at your expense.

Then again, I'm tempted to make my own bad taste joke comparing chuggers to rapists, so maybe I'm no better.

Mide7 · 02/06/2015 13:56

I'm not trying to defend him, all I'm saying is he was looking for an opening to start a conversation which the OP gave him.

Chuggers just use a form of profiling to decide who to stop I'm sure. Same as everyone else. Doesn't mean it's right tho

thedancingbear · 02/06/2015 14:03

For what it's worth, I can't see how the exchange 'no' / 'did you mean yes?' works on any level between a woman and man, except as a rape innuendo. I mean, I suppose someone could say it without meaning that, but it would be complete gibberish. For the sake of full disclosure, I am male.

YonicScrewdriver · 02/06/2015 14:09

Actually, OP didn't give him an opening to discuss the charity and he didn't discuss it with her when she came back out.

Dognado · 02/06/2015 14:10

Chuggers just use a form of profiling to decide who to stop I'm sure. Same as everyone else. Doesn't mean it's right tho

Who else?

Mide7 · 02/06/2015 14:31

Dognado- everyone. Obviously not everyone uses it to stop people to ask them for money.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/06/2015 14:42

Gin - YANBU, but well done for giving him such a coherent response instead of spluttering, which is what I'm sure a lot of us would have done.

INickedAName · 02/06/2015 15:04

Every single time I go into town I get stopped, I changed my route but they still get me. Now I out my phone to my ear and pretend to be talking. That will only work until someone phones me and gives my game up :)

Dh does get stopped a lot too, but his "nah, mate" is met with a "no worries" wheras my "no thank you, I'm in a rush" is met with "it'll only take five mins" if they are being polite but usually it's "what can be so important that you can't spare five mins for starving children? etc" or when I had baby dd and her pram "I thought Mothers would care about starving children" dh prob gets stopped as much as I do tbh, but once he's said no, that's the end of interaction. He also doesn't get winked at either.

I've not told any to fuck off yet but it's a matter of time as they've started addressing dd (10) when she's with me, saying things like "isn't it sad some children in the world are not as lucky as you?" "You're so lucky to have a mum who looks after you, what about children who don't?" Dd already gives some of her pocket money for Sponsor a Girl, and I have a couple of direct debits to various charities, I don't need or want to be shamed into giving more when I'm trying to get from a to b.

Lottapianos · 02/06/2015 15:11

'or when I had baby dd and her pram "I thought Mothers would care about starving children"'

Are you actually serious?! That's one of the cheapest, nastiest things I've ever heard. I wouldn't know whether to tell them to eff off or laugh in their faces. And hassling your daughter is disgusting.

MilchandCookies · 02/06/2015 17:22

I get stopped a lot too. I'm in Germany and have two under three with me most of the time.

I've been told I must be a selfish mother for not wanting to give to the children's ambulance. I cried at that one and have felt guilty for not donating ever since (I really didn't have the time that day!) Reading this now though, I feel quite vindicated, so thank you.

A man from Red Cross came to the house the other day. He said he came every year to the village and everyone was always very generous. He didn't recognise me though and wondered how long I'd lived here. I said we were new but nevertheless not interested in donating that way. He got quite arsy and said there was no way of donating via the Internet Hmm and that I had to give him my credit card details there and then. DS woke up from his nap, so I had a reason to tell him to leave, but again I felt really bad. Typing this now I feel like a fool and it could have been anyone.

ApocalypseThen · 02/06/2015 17:42

'or when I had baby dd and her pram "I thought Mothers would care about starving children"'

I do, this one in particular.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/06/2015 18:14

He got quite arsy and said there was no way of donating via the Internet hmm and that I had to give him my credit card details there and then

I just had a look at the British Red Cross website and it seems to me that either he was ignorant of the charity he was collecting for or else he was a conman.

Also on their website: 'The organisation that regulates face-to-face fundraising (PFRA) has a code of conduct that states that face-to-face fundraisers must "always end a conversation in a polite and respectful manner as soon as they are asked to". It also states that fundraisers should "never say anything that could pressure or harass people" and should "not use manipulative techniques." Our fundraisers follow this code.' Perhaps this code is country-specific but you'd hope that an international organisation would have similar rules in Germany.

VivaLeBeaver · 02/06/2015 18:24

I've had the "don't you care about starving children" line, this was when dd was with me who was about 10yo at the time. I kept walking and said "no I don't care, now fuck off". Dd giggled.

YonicScrewdriver · 02/06/2015 18:46

I find it odd that coin collectors can't jingle their collection boxes (or certainly didn't used to be allowed to) as it's intrusive but that chuggers are allowed!

grimbletart · 02/06/2015 19:19

Yes Yonic. I collect for a charity and we are not allowed to rattle tins as it is seen as harassment. Yet chuggers confront people, persist and are a royal pain in the arse.

I normally ignore. Two occasions I haven't. Once after being walked after when I had said no thank you I asked him what part of no did he not understand.

The other time I had just come out of the bank after depositing over £1,000 that I had spent my whole weekend outside a supermarket collecting and just got the rage, pointing out that people who genuinely care about a charity give their time for free. Chuggers don't give a damn about a cause, they are simply interested in their payment. They can sod off.

Wannabestepfordwife · 02/06/2015 20:20

I've found the best thing to say to chuggers is I'm 17 (I'm a fair few years older) even if they doubt what I've said they can't approach under 18s

AtomicDog · 02/06/2015 20:59

Grimble has it.
The most obvious retort to them is "I support charities for free" and glower like this: Hmm at them.

Or, of course, "I don't give money to charities that waste it by paying chuggers!"

TheRoseAndTheFire · 02/06/2015 21:18

chuggers feel like a sanctioned version of this, let's stop women in the street and intimidate them, but instead of it all being "a laugh, banter" it's all for charity so it's ok.

Unspecial you're absolutely right. That's why I hate them too. I am accosted often. I have to run the gauntlet every day between the station and work. I find being stopped/shouted at (and the oh so amusing chuggers do shout at people) by a random man quite intimidating.

Once I had DD with me and one particular twat stepped in front of me and asked 'I see you have a baby. do you care about suffering children?' I was livid. It was a vile and manipulative thing to say and I did report his to the charity. He's still there though and still a twat so my complaint did nil apparently.

Anyway OP, YANBU to be upset. I can't think of a single scenario in which the no/don't you mean yes interaction applies except rape. Not nice. Nobody should have to deal with that out minding their own business. And him following you afterwards was out of order.

Pedestriana · 02/06/2015 21:21

I don't get targeted too much but did get one going on at me a few weeks ago. I told him I have no income, so there was no point trying to get me to donate, but he kept on talking. I had nothing better to do, at the time, so I let him talk. Then he got out the forms for me to fill in, and asked about my income. I told him again - nothing. I don't work, I'm a student. I don't qualify for benefits, so my income is £0. He muttered something, looked embarrassed, and went away.

SilverBirch2015 · 02/06/2015 21:35

I think we all need to make more effort to complain to the organisations involved about the behaviour and intrusion of chuggers. Particularly in this case, it was totally inappropriate and potentially triggering for someone if they had been raped.

Most charities use companies to carry out their chugging and set guidelines for their behaviour. Charities do it because it is effective and they need to compete for funds with other charities. The more complaints they have to deal with, the more likely they will manage their activities better.

It would be good to come up with a single phrase to shut them up. "No, I don't talk to any charities on the street". Don't apologise, don't say not enough time, even the most simple phrase they will have a script to respond.

Doobigetta · 02/06/2015 22:28

They're a bloody menace. I don't think any response other than "no" or "fuck off" works. And they only do if you physically remove yourself at the same time.

whatdoesittake48 · 02/06/2015 22:35

I tend to get 'hello darling. Got a minute?'. I have replied 'I am not your darling' as I walked past. But he was already focusing on his next victim. ..
Some of them think they can charm middle aged women by flirting. Bit pathetic really.

Haffdonga · 02/06/2015 22:44

My town was full of chuggers last week. When the third one approached me in so many minutes I put my finger to my lips and just said 'Shhh!' as I do with my kids.

It worked! (The look on his face was almost worth being chugged).

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 02/06/2015 23:13

I agree it's a statement with rape overtones OP, and really not ok for any man to say to a woman, much less one who is working in a sales capacity Hmm

I'm impressed with your presence of mind to explain it to him, I would have tried to get away as fast as possible (hate being cornered).

My preferred strategy with chuggers is vague distractedness (smiling beatifically while completely failing to actually engage in conversation for example). And to be honest, I'm mostly in my own little world walking down the street so I'm usually mostly past them by the time I realise they're actually talking to me.

If that doesn't work I try to summon "the tone of command" and say no with a forceful unspoken subtext of fuck off. I haven't yet perfected it to the point where it reliably works on people but I can usually make dogs do what I want so chuggers are further practice!