Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Need a bit of help in talking to DP who says '.... Because I'm a man'

31 replies

PenelopePitstops · 20/04/2015 08:34

Newish to this section so please go gentle!

Talking to DP last night about why he doesn't cry at happy stuff. He said he was an edwardian man and treats emotions like something kept hidden. This apparently harks back to the days when 'men were real men' and it's not manly to cry.

I almost saw red at this and said that women and men both feel emotions and it doesn't make you a man because you hide them. He also said that he wasn't into all this metro sexual new nan being in touch with his feminine side. Shock i said WTF does Feminine side even mean?! Are you saying that emotions are only a female thing? He couldn't answer this.

Am I right? I think dp is ready to be educated, please give me some more things to say!

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 20/04/2015 08:41

Im not sure what the problem is. Everyone is different. I don't cry very much at all and i suffer with depression.

My dad would blub at the slightest thing. Ive only seen my dp cry three times in 22 years. one of those was when our dd was born. I didn't cry though.

I do think that women cry more than men. I don't however see crying as a weakness.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2015 08:43

From what you have said, your dp doesn't sound remotely "ready to be educated"

Trapper · 20/04/2015 08:49

Sounds like he needs your sympathy rather than education.

Yops · 20/04/2015 08:57

By my reckoning, an Edwardian man would be between 106 and 116 years old. In which case, I'd go easy on him. Why should he cry at anything? Everybody's emotional reactions are different. Emotion does not equal crying.

In fact, I'm now wondering if this is a wind-up. Have you posted because feminists are supposed to 'educate' men in how to react to any given situation?

DadWasHere · 20/04/2015 08:57

Show him this:

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/04/2015 09:08

Well, I don't cry at happy things either, I thought that was fairly normal and I'm not out of touch with my emotions generally. It sounds as though he was brought up to think that men shouldn't cry, as a lot of men were. That doesn't make it right, but it does make it understandable. Sounds as though he was just being a bit defensive.

There was an article on the BBC website last week saying it was thought that being unable to express feelings was one reason why a high proportion of people who commit suicide are middle aged men, so there is a need for education. Not saying your DH id in danger of that, but it is a problem that boys are taught to not cry, not express emotion etc.

AlternativeTentacles · 20/04/2015 09:09

So you want to make your partner cry?

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 20/04/2015 09:22

Of course I don't want to make him cry.

I'm just shocked in his volition that crying is somehow a female only thing. He seems to have assigned certain emotional responses just to females. How do I challenge this should be my question.

Thanks for the useful responses, particularly the youtube clip and suicide info.

OP posts:
ChopperGordino · 20/04/2015 09:50

i would see less of a problem with crying not being his natural response to emotional situations (people respond differently - a large part may be socialisation but it also wouldn't be fair to force or expect a particular response) than i would with his reasonings about why it is that he doesn't cry. if he were just saying "i feel these things but don't express them in that way" then fine, but he seems to be judging men crying negatively by using phrases like "real men", "when men were men". it would worry me

YonicScrewdriver · 20/04/2015 09:52

Hi Penelope

I think it's fair to say that men are socialised to cry less, in general. Certainly boy preschoolers and girl preschoolers both cry on an emotional level so I don't think it's biological.

The issue is more his dismissiveness
of emotion for men, not his own feelings as many people don't really cry happy tears anyway.

Can you talk to him about how he would react to emotions in future boy and girl children you have?

SanctimoniousItches · 20/04/2015 10:01

he's entitle to express his own emotions as he wishes, but it must be more than that. why are you upset.

Do you want him to chat more? to be able to discuss things for enjoyment not just for basic information exchange. I wonder if you're trying to change him in to a man who has a more androgynous type of mind. It'll never work.

I could never again waste my time going out with a man who can't just talk for the enjoyment of talking. You can't pin it on being male. Some men can have an emotion, label it, tell you about it, talk about things...........

YonicScrewdriver · 20/04/2015 10:02

Yops, OP is a long standing poster and "real men don't cry" is a well established trope. You are male, I think - have you come across this amongst friends?

Report if you think there's an issue.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 20/04/2015 10:06

bbc article

AnyFucker · 20/04/2015 10:09

If you have a son I wouldn't want him brought up with the premise that "real men don't cry"

SanctimoniousItches · 20/04/2015 10:15

I think men and women can cry differently which makes some men think (and they're wrong and usually sexist) that women use tears to get their way. I find it hard not to cry when I've been treated unfairly. it is anger and injustice that make me struggle to maintain my composure. I think men's anger is less often expressed in that way. It doesn't make it wrong if women express some emotions in tears though, so I wouldn't try that hard to convince him that men cry too. TBH, women are allowed to be women, women have their own female sexuality and there is a lot of pressure on women to have a more male sexuality (when it suits that individual male I think). So many men don't get that women are entitled to have their own way of reacting, their own 'agenda', their own everything. So, so what if we cry a bit more. Women get in to fights less. Women aren't as aggressive (these are generalisations I know).

YonicScrewdriver · 20/04/2015 10:18

Sanctimonious, yes, it drives me mad if I cry in anger and a man swears and slams the phone down in anger, but I'm the weak and emotional one...

Greysanderson · 20/04/2015 10:20

I feel emotion fine, and I am actually quite a cheerful person but no I don't cry it seems pointless to me. I don't see anything wrong with not crying.

AlternativeTentacles · 20/04/2015 10:22

My OH doesn't cry at happy stuff, nor alot at unhappy stuff.I am not sure I do either to be honest.

I don't understand what you are trying to achieve here.

ChopperGordino · 20/04/2015 10:31

i think it's fair to question his views about "real men don't cry". it's an attitude that has served men very badly on the whole, even if not crying as a response to emotional situations works for him personally

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 20/04/2015 10:46

Chopper you have said it better than me, it's the attitude that men don't cry.

Af i will ask him about the hypothetical son later and see his reply.

OP posts:
Yops · 20/04/2015 11:01

Apologies OP, I misread the title. It is an outdated attitude. There is no such thing as a 'real man' - not in the sense he means, anyway. His reaction to any given situation is his alone. It does not reflect on his 'manliness' in any way.

Purplepixiedust · 20/04/2015 11:05

I cry all the time at sad and happy stuff on tv and in real life and I have been noticably worse since I had my son. I used to think it was hormonal but as he is now 8 I am not sure. His dad cries at sad things but never at happy stuff. I don't think he holds it in or thinks he shouldn't because he is a man, he just doesnt do it. That isn't to say he doesn't feel some of the emotions I do. People aren't more or less upset depending on whether or not thet cry.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 20/04/2015 11:39

I have a good friend (male) who is like this, as is his father. I do think it is worrying if someone has been brought up to think it's bad to show emotion.

As others say - it's not about whether or not he cries, it's his reaction around it.

If it is unusual for him to come out with cliches like 'feminine side', I wonder if he was caught off balance? What's he usually like?

comeagainforbigfudge · 20/04/2015 11:54

I don't cry at happy stuff either. Unless I'm laughing so hard I cry.

Which makes me laugh even harder...

not helpful, will get my coat Grin

AskBasil · 20/04/2015 22:35

Men in the eighteenth century were expected to cry at sad things to express their deep sympathetic nature. You were a philistine and an oaf if you didn't. The boys don't cry thing is quite modern.

Do you think it's your job to educate him OP? That sounds a bit exhausting.