'Bossy', boastful, bright 6 yr old DD - need some advice

[GiveOverLuv]

DD is my younger child, 6 years old, bright and a real 'all rounder' - academically clever, sporty, creative and has a real 'can do/give it a try' attitude.

She is a lovely girl and I am very proud of her. In a way, she is everything I suppose I wish I had been at that age. I was shy, clingy to my mum and modest about my achievements, whereas she is outgoing, makes friends easily and is quite competitive in her school work, sports, dance etc.

I have always been quite careful not to quell her 'bossy', competitive nature. She has a quite domineering older brother (with Asperger's...so he can have a bit of a 'I'm right, you're wrong' 'I'm going first, you'll have to wait' type attitude towards her) and I like the fact that she is quite tough and determined and doesn't just lie down and take it.

Lately, though, I have heard her talking to her little friends and there is quite a lot of 'I'm the BEST reader in the class', 'I can do that much better than you', 'I know more than you about XYZ'- type of chat coming from her. She is also competitive over EVERYTHING - wants to be the best at every activity, win every competition, get every bit of praise at school available - and she is very very open about this with friends etc. She is the type of child who would never let a friend win a game just to be kind to them or give them a feeling of achievement. Ever. Although she isn't mean in other ways, she is a good share and turn taker etc.

I've gone the softly softly approach with her so far, just saying 'well, everyone is better at some things than others' or 'we can be really happy about what we are good at, but we don't have to be mean to other people' type route...but she doesn't get it. I know she is only little, and I just wondered what other feminists think about this?

Basically, with a very bright competitive girl, should you challenge this sort of boasting behaviour or what? I don't want to beat that bit of her nature out of her, as why the hell shouldn't she be competitive, but I also don't want to raise a child with no common manners/social grace.

Don't get me wrong - not obsessing about this...I know she is only a wee little thing...just interested to know WWYD?

I don't think what you are describing is 'bossy.'

There are lots of good reasons not to go around wanting to be better than other people at everything and constantly saying so.

Two that leap to mind are a. there are issues around the happiness and achievement of people more bothered about extrinsic rewards rather than intrinsic ones and b. the way she behaves probably hurts other people.

I will be in a similar position with dd. I think I would be going down the route of manners and it not bring polite to brag/put others down. Also encourage her to think if it from other persons perspective-how would she feel if someone treated her like that? In extremis I will be beating dd at something and gloating/behaving horribly so she knows what it feels like!

Long time since I had a small DD so I may be really wrong about this, but I would explain that when you are good at something you just get on and do it. It will speak for itself. No need to boast about it, because that can make others feel bad.

Caveat: when you are grown up and in work, sometimes you do have to draw attention to your achievements otherwise you get overlooked.

But, as a child to other children - no.

She sounds pretty great however the whole 'I'm much better than you stuff' needs careful handling.

My DD has had these kind of comments from a few of her 'friends'. Although she doesn't say anything to them about it they really hurt her and I'm concerned that she is less likely to raise her hand in class if she thinks her best friends are laughing at her mistakes.

It might be worth having some further discussion/doing some role play with her about how it makes people feel, how she would feel. Particularly emphasising that people don't always tell you when you've hurt them.

My DD has certainly drawn away from two of her best friends solely down to this.

Well done you for noticing it though, one of parents in our situation has no idea that her strong, confident daughter is also crushing others.

Ps, I should say - nothing wrong with winning if you can though. We never 'let' our children win anything, they know that in this house if you win, it was fair and square.

However I do try to teach my DC to be gracious both in victory and defeat.

almondcakes - I have been going down the route of 'not hurting other peoples feelings' with her. So far, she just looks at me like I am a bit mad and says 'but I AM a better reader' . She is bossy with friends, but she is also incredibly popular and a real leader, so its getting the balance between not quashing that and getting her to empathise more with others thats proving tricky.

I think she is motivated by extrinsic rewards rather than intrinsic ones - being praised, being seen to be good at things, being the winner/the best - but to be honest, I see this in so many boys and men and its never seen as a problem. She wants to be 'good' (she is very well behaved at home and a real 'milk monitor' type kid at school)...but not as much as she wants to be the best, iyswim.

Haggisfish - yes, maybe 'manners' is the way to go. I'll definitely give that a go. I do try the 'how would you feel?' approach, but she then gets upset and says 'but I wasn't saying they weren't good, I was just saying I am better'. Very black and white thinking...probably a bit of influence from her Aspie brother there, i think.

Thanks very much for your insights x

Eigg - yes, I think I might do a bit of role play type stuff with her, good idea.

She has a good friend (who's mum I am good friends with too) who is also a very bright and capable little girl, but I can see that DD's attitude can be a bit wearing and even crushing to her at times. Nothing major - and me and the other (patient, lovely!) mum do gently pull DD up on it from time to time. But I think maybe I need to do a bit more nudging of DD to get her to think about what being a good friend means, iyswim. Thank you!

To be honest, OP, I was trying quite hard to be tactful towards you.

We're all parents here. My child potentially is the child your DD is hurting.

I would not let either my son or my daughter behave the way your DD does. There would be serious consequences.

What would the consequences be? I'm far from soft with her, trust me!

So what did you do when you were talking to her about other people's feelings and she responded by talking about herself?

I have a 6yr old too. I worry that she can be a bit pompous about pointing out when people are doing something wrong sometimes and bought 'The unwritten rules of friendship' which I found really helpful.
I think your daughter will end up losing friends if you don't address this. I agree that the approach to take is one of thinking about other people's feelings. There doesn't need to be a great debate, just for you to tell her that it is not kind behaviour.

From the other side of things my DS is incredibly competitive and has a tendency to 'crow' when he wins. We do talk, often, about considering other people's feelings.

OP perhaps think about finding something she's not good at and role playing with that as the example.

One final thing. It is lovely that she leads her friendship group, but in my experience at this age that's often due to the force of personality rather than true popularity iyswim?

In my daughter's class the girl that ran all the games, and lead the girls did it because she was one of the oldest in the year and therefore more articulate, more confident and more assertive than the others. As the other girls have come on through the next couple of years the leader girl has been sidelined a bit as they recognise she isn't always kind.

It's great that she's bright, confident and capable and I would be very opposed to squashing a little girl's spirit.

However, it sounds like working on her emotional intelligence might be of benefit to her because as the other children mature they may find her attitude hard to tolerate and if she doesn't understand how her behaviour affects others that could be very hard for her.

Is there any chance that if she struggles to engage with other peoples' feelings she may have aspergers herself?

Aw OP, she's only six. They are all like that at this age, I think. She sounds fab. Don't think in terms of "bossy" - that's very much a term for girls and women, never boys and men. They are allowed to be leaders, apparently.

As she matures she will be able to understand better that other people have feelings too. Right now she is too young for that. Tell her that you are better than her at reading. Get her to think abot how she feels when you say that. Point out it is the same for her friends. But don't worry, it's completely normal!

I think you should be very grateful. I too have a 6 year old, mine is shy, quiet and would let anyone walk over him. I worry all the time about him - he has a super confident older sibling and both his parents are confident and outgoing. I feel (wrongly I am sure) that we have failed our boy somehow that he is so timid and clingy. When I hear boisterous kids and their cross (with them) parents I always want to say: be grateful! I would rather be harnessing a boisterous, go-get-em attitude than coaxing a shy, don't-notice-me one!

George erm no she's not 'too young' and they aren't all like that.

TheOP has very perceptively picked up something about her (I'm sure otherwise lovely DD) that bears a bit of focus so that children like my DD don't come home in tears

OP, I've got one of those.

After 2 dc (now teens) who were and still are quite the opposite, we have been constantly amazed at this little fierce bouncy ball of confidence.

My DD is six, she has very good manners, and I have decided not to do anything to squash her confidence.

Last year she had a teacher who was most enraged about her confidence, because she said about some maths work "this is easy" before starting to work. Apparently she upset other children at her table who didn't find it easy.

She must have said something quite nasty to my daughter who then started to refuse to go to school when this teacher was in (job share). Thankfully she left at Christmas and was replaced by a great teacher.

Both teachers know how to take her, how to guide her towards being proud about her ability without shouting it from the rooftops.

I'm with eigg/almondcakes here. DD had a friend very much like your DD, but eventually she tired of always being wrong/last/shouted down. DD moved on but the other girl didn't and she has very few friends now, in fact none of her own age, only younger ones. The teachers tired of her as well and we (the other mums) are now tiring of mum complaining that teacher is ignoring her dd/not giving her enough praise/not marking her homework properly.

My DD would have been told "You may be a better reader but you aren't the best friend" and I'd have told her off quite sharply, not gently, for being boastful.

My DD is the sportiest of her friends (all the school teams) but she'd be the first to say "I'm the best swimmer, but Chloe is the best singer and Jess is the best dancer".

i think if the gently gently approach is not working, you can safely be much more concrete about it. "We can talk about you being the best reader at home but we don't do it around other children because they might feel sad." "I am glad you feel very proud of winning but remember to be a bit quiet about it infront of children who didn't win."

Hi OP. I read this thread with interest as this sounds very much like my 8 year old DD. I love her to bits, think she's amazing and want her to be happy more than anything in the world. So, I'm terrified of knocking her spirit and confidence, but am still disturbed by her strong desire to win everything, to have the biggest part, to be the best, and I am really worried about her boasting.

Random example- the other day some people came to do some sort of music workshop at her school. When I asked what she'd done that day, the very first thing she said, proudly and loudly enough for several friends to hear, was that the people running the workshop had brought a few instruments with them (so, not nearly enough to go around- not sure I like the sound of this workshop, but that's another issue!), and only a few kids were able to use one, and she was picked... She was just so pleased to be one of the chosen few. Really crowed about it. I asked her what the workshop was about, she couldn't really tell me. All that really mattered was that she was chosen.

Don't have any good advice, but very interested to see what others suggest.

Yes, EveDallas, your example sounds like my DD.

I'm so sad that she's (I think) putting her lovely friends off remaining friends with her. I don't think I'm the same as your examples mum though, but I worry a lot that I'm not getting the balance right with trying to nurture and support her, whilst trying to help her to be a nice person and good friend. I shall follow your advice.

I definitely think that age group is one when all children are learning social skills. Some are learning how to be more confident and be more in control of their own lives and choices, and some are learning how to be kinder and more co-operative. Most will grow up to be rounded individuals.

But at the same time as that is going on, children are learning how adults behave, and that shapes their view of how authority works. If adults are not seen to be encouraging and valuing kindness, co-operation, fairness and other similar values, that very much shapes how children see authority and shapes their expectations of adult life.

So what matters is not whether you have the stereotypical sensitive imaginative introvert or the bold, go for it extrovert. What matters is how adults respond to those children so that they can both all be themselves but also learn how to consider others.

I think even 6yo can understand the difference between being proud of their ability / confident and being mean to others.

My 7 year old niece is like this. She's extremely bright and excelling at school.

But boy does she let everyone know. She hates to lose a game for example, she's allowed to win at her house, whereas I'm a 'fair and square' believer.

She lost a game of dominos to my DD once and was so angry she pushed her off a chair. Her parents did nothing.

They played 'teachers' yesterday and the way she was speaking to the other kids was shocking! Telling them they were wrong, making fun of stuff they'd written etc.

Unfortunately her mum is very pushy and is obsessed with her being the best at everything.

Sadly when I pick her up from after school club she's usually sat on her own writing, and doesn't really play with others.

However, she's kind, funny and affectionate and this is just the way she is. Hopefully she'll understand how she comes across as she gets older.

Do you think she might also have some autistic traits?
I know that s far from the only explanation for why she might struggle to attend to others' feelings, recognise the impact f her behaviour etc., but it is one possibility. Or could she be emulating her brother?

It is hard, my daughter is younger, can be quite pushy. I don't want to crush her confidence, but also want her to continue to get on with others!