Metaphor for consent- cup of tea

[FarelyKnuts]

Just read this, thought it worth sharing

www.theloop.ca/this-woman-just-explained-consent-with-the-most-perfect-metaphor/

sorry I loathe this like I loathe the Down's syndrome / Norway thing.
it's really patronising , surely ?
sorry to be negative but I can't move for this tea thing. it's all over the internet.

hope it helps others !

Fair enough. I wasnt aware it was "all over the internet".
I thought the point of it was to be patronising, at least a little.
Seeing as there still seem to be many people who claim to really not get the whole consent thing!

I thought it was very good.

What's it got to do with Norway or Downs?

I haven't the foggiest what the Down's Syndrome/Norway thing is?

Have seen it and like it.

I like it too. I think it's easy to understand and easy to remember and refer to if in any doubt, not just for men but also for women who aren't sure about whether they're "allowed" to not have sex if they don't want to. I wish it had been around when I was 20 or so years younger

What's pathetic is that something so apparently bleedin' obvious needs spelling out in words of one syllable or less; but the CE case for example highlights that actually, ludicrously, it does.

It gave me a bit of a flashback, actually, because XH frequently that very thing with tea - making endless unsolicited cups, then going all huffy if I didn't drink them, or even if I didn't drink them fast enough . I once joked I was going to write a dissertation on "Tea as an instrument of oppression". It sounds like something nice and kind to do, so people will look at you all if you complain your husband keeps making you tea; just as some people think that constantly being pestered for sex is somehow flattering or (heaven forbid) romantic.

I like it because it's patronising.

The concept of consent is easy to understand - those who claim to be confused by it are the ones who are not bothered about whether or not their partner is consenting IMO

Down's/Norway?? [confuse]

I quite like it, it's an interesting view and raises awareness of the consent issue since it seems to be a grey area for some men in society to understand.

Yes it's patronising for most of us but it's also helpful for children to contemplate this view....

I have my own analogy:
If you look at a plug as being a "masculine" object, and a plug socket as being a "feminine" object. the two fuse together and once the switch is turned on, electricity flows and the lamp is lit = positive outcome.

Consent is the plug ASKING PERMISSION of the socket if it would like to be turned on. If the socket says NO then the plug must find another, without force or coercion, that will say yes on their own terms.
The lamp being lit is the analogy of a healthy relationship, sexual consensual gratification or production of another human being created in a healthy environment :)

lol buffy :)

'I once joked I was going to write a dissertation on "Tea as an instrument of oppression". '

I feel your pain. I don't drink tea or coffee and I can confirm that having hot drinks forced upon you, and being made to feel like a freak for not wanting to get involved, does not feel at all pleasant

I agree with other posters that it is utterly jeffing pathetic that this needs explaining at all, but I do like the analogy.

I also quite like the 'Downs/Norway' thing. It can be used to explain a parent's response and feelings about their child being diagnosed with any additional need. In a nutshell, becoming a parent is like planning a trip to Italy - you learn some Italian, you check out the weather forecast for Italy, you find out what Italian sights you want to visit, you get all geared up for Italy. Finding out that your child has additional needs is like discovering that your Italy-bound flight has actually landed in Norway. This is not what you were expecting - the weather is different, the language is different, the food is different, everything is different. Its a huge shock - you feel disorientated, angry, sad, let down etc. But over time, you can get used to it and find out that its also possible to have a nice time in Norway, even though its not where you thought you would end up.

I'm not a parent but I do work with children with additional needs, and this analogy has helped me to try to understand some of the shock parents may feel when their child turns out to be so different to the child they thought they were going to have

Joking aside, I do actually think that "Tea as and instrument of oppression" is an actual thing - not sure that it would pass as an academic dissertation , but it IS bullying IMO: offer a cup of tea, fine. Be told 'no thank you', back off. Don't go on about it.

Remember Mrs Doyle in Father Ted? "Gawn, gawn, gawn…"

Thanks for the Norway thing - I had actually heard about it a while ago and forgotten again . I too think it's apt.

Oh, really? Cool.

Using the OPs metaphor, would these scenarios be rape?

1. Man asks women if she wants a cup of tea, she says no, he asks again and she says "oh go on then". He makes her tea and she happily drinks it.

1. Man asks women if she wants tea (or she might ask him to make her a cup). She gets the tea, drinks it happily all the way to the end and the man and women leave each other on good terms. The next day she regrets drinking that cup of tea and wished she had never drank it and worries what her peers might think about her drinking so many cups of tea made by so many different men.

Would either of these be rape? Serious question.

*the examples above should read "man asks woman" not "man asks women"

Hello wuzzio, and welcome to MN. There's more to it than FWR, if you care to explore.

"Serious question."

Yeah, I kinda doubt that, TBH.

Isn't the clue in the scenarios in that 'she happily drinks it'? Doesn't seem that hard...

Well, yes or no?

You are feminists, I am not. We might come up with different answers.

"Isn't the clue in the scenarios in that 'she happily drinks it'?"

But in #2 she then regrets it the next day and wonders what her peers will think about her drinking tea by so many men.

Ok, I'll bite:

1. Yes. She is entitled to change her mind.

1. Why on earth would anybody worry about having too many cups of tea made by too many men? Just doesn't happen.

HTH

Yup, the metaphor still works nicely. And you know how common it is for people to enjoy a nice cup of tea, regret it the next day and then tell everyone they know they were forced to drink it? Yeah, people do that all the time, don't they?

As for scenario 1- as you describe it, nothing to see here, woman changed her mind, they shared a lovely cup of tea, no problem.

However, there may be a much longer story between the 'No' and the 'Go on then', involving sulking, tantrums, guilt tripping and a history of nagging until the woman drinks the tea. Which would rather change the situation.

I can only imagine the 'Go on then' being reported as rape, let alone getting anywhere near a court if there was a much bigger back story.

wuzzio in #2 then she'd be an evil lying bitch trying to ruin the life of a bona fide tea-maker. There - is that what you are looking for?

Here's another scenario - what proportion of enthusiastic tea-drinkers lie about their enthusiastic tea consumption?