can you help me express why I'm so upset to my boss?

[WONAR]

I've name-changed but have posted here before. I'm very much in awe of all of you who can express themselves calmly and coherently and I'd really appreciate your advice. When it comes to explaining myself in these situations I get flustered and I don't want to say anything I'll regret or anything that will harm my discourse. I burst into angry tears when I was trying to explain this to slightly-less-senior boss

I'll try to keep this quite vague, but I work for a small company with around 20 employees, split into two teams. The MD is also the owner, and there are two men in senior positions below him, and one woman, D. We had a meeting on Wednesday; everyone in that room apart from me and D was a man.

I remarked that I was pleased with a 'client' 's progress, and *D said, "oh yes he's quite a nice person actually, isn't he?" I replied "no, he's a letch", because this person had spent the last few days leering at me when we were in close contact and had made unwanted remarks on my body and appearance. MD then goes, "well WONAR's naturally suspicious, isn't she", in a really nasty, patronising tone. I said "no, I'm going off past experience" (this 'client' and I have had contact before, and also MD has made one or two comments to me in the past that border on sexual harassment). I was furious that he would try to devalue/discredit what I say, particularly because he's guilty of the same thing. In front of a room full of men, he made sure they knew he thought that I am irrational/over-emotional/unreasonable/etc. and that my input and experiences can't be trusted. That was the first thing.

The second was that one of our 'clients' had written a letter to say "I like it when the [staff] giggle, it makes me feel relaxed and happy" (English not as a first language, and probably meant laugh/joke instead of giggle) and MD goes, "giggling, well that must be WONAR mustn't it". Again, I felt he was infantalising me and reducing my status in front of all the male members of staff. Giggling is what children do. He very publicly made sure everyone, once again, knew that I'm irrational/childish/emotional, and that it's not worth paying attention to my opinion.

As I told one of the less-senior-but-still-senior men, I already get a lot of hassle and disrespect in my job from some 'clients' who think I'm too young/too blonde/too female (non of the male members of staff get the same treatment) to do this job effectively. I fight little battles with them every day, and I don't expect to have to deal with public disrespect, by the top member of staff, in a meeting in front of everyone. I know I'm not being irrational as 7 out of the 9 male members of staff who were in that meeting have asked me if I'm alright. One of them came out (it was his first week) and said, "god, it's not very nice for women working here, is it?"

I want to stress that I love my job, and I like the people I work with, and I'm not leaving it, but I want him to know that singling me out publicly and talking about me like this isn't acceptable. If I don't bring this up, nothing will change. Please can you help me formulate my thoughts into a bullet-point list so that when I talk about this I can be coherent, rather than bursting into rage-tears again?

Hi, it sounds as though there is a bit of a pattern of behaviours and expectations going on here! And you want to break out of this? In theory that really means you breaking the pattern by responding differently and taking the lead ideally in an amusing but non-stereotypical way.

Preparation: take some time to read up on Mindfulness (in the workplace) as this is a really useful technique. See www.mindful.org/at-work

Then consider your colleagues one by one because there is probably at least one who is the leader when it comes to sexist harassment... the chap who sympathised/was almost apologetic is obviously basically sound. Strategically a good time to start your initiative would be when the the key culprit was away. This type fall into line when other decent types are willing to take a lead (though will probably not be able to resist the odd sotto voce barbed remark...). Having analysed the individuals you will pick up info when you interact with them that will refine your picture of where they are coming from.
Tip; men are very aware of debts they 'owe' so if an opportunity comes up to help a colleague out (especially in a discreet way that others do not know about) they will feel honour bound to support you rather than hang you out to dry.
Even the guy/s who have it in for you are vulnerable so try not to hold it against them. I once was having a lot of hassle from a guy and hung on in and was able to help him out and thereafter he was a big supporter of mine. He was stressed out by other things at the time and was taking it out on me because he could...because I would not attack back so was 'safe' perhaps.
So being aware of things and having a plan is vital but also I note that you get upset easily and wonder whether you may actually be a bit depressed? It might be worth considering this and talking to a friendly GP as, if so, going onto 'happy pills' could give you a boost. (GPs always prescribe their fave one first but it may not suit and when you find one that does suit you the dose needs to be managed - as an example I once increased my dose when I had an appointment with a hospital Consultant and sure enough he was absolutely foul to me! The calm distancing effect of the pills allowed me to take it in my stride and write a formal complaint - without them I would have been in melt down and all because I might have reminded this guy of the wife who had just walked out on him or some such irrelevance!)
Hope this is helpful.
All the best!

Thanks for your response. It is difficult, and in response to your question, at the moment I'm in a (for my career) well-paid position as head of a dept., and I'm happy with all other aspects of my job. I really don't want to leave (not least because I feel like it would be defeatist of me) and I don't know when I'd be able to have the same position again.

When I've had an issue or problem in the past he has been very reasonable and dealt with it very well - and he was even talking to others positively in the staffroom at lunch yesterday, about how the recent sexual abuse cases are making it easier for victims to have the courage to come forward. I think the genuine problem is that he's a dinosaur and doesn't especially think about the real impact or meaning of his words. I want him to know this is unacceptable and I'm unhappy about it, but I'm not very good at confrontation in a calm and rational manner (because being upset about this will undermine me even more).

Thanks for the link cd, I'll have a look now.

Just to be clear the one doing all this is the MD and owner of the business. I don't have a problem with any other male member of staff making comments or being inappropriate, I work with a very good group of people who are pretty liberal and modern-thinking.

Thank you TheBlackRider that's exactly the sort of response I was hoping for, and yes, you were right about the crying! Your points are very constructive and clear, and just the type I wanted to come up with myself.

cd now I've had a chance to read your post a bit more thoroughly I'm a little confused by it - I'm not depressed, and although I appreciate the link it did seem to be all about positive thinking and meditation, which is not something I'd say applies to this situation. Thank you for your response though.

I don't post on these boards and only saw this Pop up in active - in my opinion, you need to use much stronger examples than what you've written. The giggling - I understood this as him making a joke of the client's poor language, not you. Men aren't usually described as gigglers, women are, which narrowed it down to two people. So you could argue he should've said D and you, but placing myself in your position, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. That makes me wonder what else is going on to make you so sensitive to his comments as personal attacks.

The other example about the client - the other woman on your team described him as a nice person and you countered with he's a letch. Thats not terribly professional and she's obviously not shared your experience and thinks he's perfectly nice. Had she had the same experience (or no experience), then I think you could've gotten away with such emotional outburst. In my opinion, you should start recording all the unprofessional instances with this client and then speak with your manager once you've armed yourself with concrete examples on specific dates.

Thank you for your input Umi, but if you don't usually use this board, then perhaps you won't understand exactly what the problem is. TBR has already said what I would have.

You are being denigrated in public by the boss and you want to stay in the company?! I'd be looking for a new job sharpish. You won't change him, you know.

I think it was unprofessional of you saying that about this man in an open meeting. If you have a complaint about his behaviour you should have done it privately with your boss. But if his behaviour is unaccepable too then I can see that would be difficult. I think the giggling thing is of no consequence whatsoever.

Being completely honest, I would say that you suggesting that the client was a letch is possibly not a professional way of reporting concerns with his behaviour, that being said, the MD's reaction was out of line, and if as you say the men in the meeting were made uncomfortable by the exchanges then there probably is a problem here.

What are your MD's communication skills like normally? Is he usually more considered in his speech? Is he a bit of a blurter? Does he change his level of communication when speaking to women? If he is speaking to you in a less respectful way than he does others, it might be personal, but it might also be that he values women's contributions less. If he is as dismissive of D as he is of you, then it's probably the latter.

The letter might be a good idea, it might help to sort things out properly, or it might not, and then you would have proof that your tried to resolve the situation.

It's bloody horrible feeling belittled. Hope you feel better now.

OP, I've worked as a single blonde female all over the Middle East in a male dominated field. I dare say I know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry you didn't like my advise but I still stand by it - your examples aren't strong and one of the two actually makes you look unprofessional. By all means, write a letter if you insist, but regardless of how eloquent you make your point - it will not give you the result you're aiming to achieve. Good luck.