can you help me express why I'm so upset to my boss?

[WONAR]

I've name-changed but have posted here before. I'm very much in awe of all of you who can express themselves calmly and coherently and I'd really appreciate your advice. When it comes to explaining myself in these situations I get flustered and I don't want to say anything I'll regret or anything that will harm my discourse. I burst into angry tears when I was trying to explain this to slightly-less-senior boss

I'll try to keep this quite vague, but I work for a small company with around 20 employees, split into two teams. The MD is also the owner, and there are two men in senior positions below him, and one woman, D. We had a meeting on Wednesday; everyone in that room apart from me and D was a man.

I remarked that I was pleased with a 'client' 's progress, and *D said, "oh yes he's quite a nice person actually, isn't he?" I replied "no, he's a letch", because this person had spent the last few days leering at me when we were in close contact and had made unwanted remarks on my body and appearance. MD then goes, "well WONAR's naturally suspicious, isn't she", in a really nasty, patronising tone. I said "no, I'm going off past experience" (this 'client' and I have had contact before, and also MD has made one or two comments to me in the past that border on sexual harassment). I was furious that he would try to devalue/discredit what I say, particularly because he's guilty of the same thing. In front of a room full of men, he made sure they knew he thought that I am irrational/over-emotional/unreasonable/etc. and that my input and experiences can't be trusted. That was the first thing.

The second was that one of our 'clients' had written a letter to say "I like it when the [staff] giggle, it makes me feel relaxed and happy" (English not as a first language, and probably meant laugh/joke instead of giggle) and MD goes, "giggling, well that must be WONAR mustn't it". Again, I felt he was infantalising me and reducing my status in front of all the male members of staff. Giggling is what children do. He very publicly made sure everyone, once again, knew that I'm irrational/childish/emotional, and that it's not worth paying attention to my opinion.

As I told one of the less-senior-but-still-senior men, I already get a lot of hassle and disrespect in my job from some 'clients' who think I'm too young/too blonde/too female (non of the male members of staff get the same treatment) to do this job effectively. I fight little battles with them every day, and I don't expect to have to deal with public disrespect, by the top member of staff, in a meeting in front of everyone. I know I'm not being irrational as 7 out of the 9 male members of staff who were in that meeting have asked me if I'm alright. One of them came out (it was his first week) and said, "god, it's not very nice for women working here, is it?"

I want to stress that I love my job, and I like the people I work with, and I'm not leaving it, but I want him to know that singling me out publicly and talking about me like this isn't acceptable. If I don't bring this up, nothing will change. Please can you help me formulate my thoughts into a bullet-point list so that when I talk about this I can be coherent, rather than bursting into rage-tears again?

TheBlack, I didn't write it was ok, I wrote that her manager was going to say he was making a joke out of the client's language use. i am not expressing my personal opinion, I am pointing out that is how her employer might spin this, which isn't helpful to the op, and I suggested she use another, stronger example in her correspondence. I must have misread the OP as I read it as someone who needed practical help in the workplace. Not help identifying sexism as an academic exercise behind our screens. Again, best of luck OP - it's a crap situation

Have you got an HR department? I'm guessing not as it sounds like a small company, but if you do go talk to them about it. You do have employment law on bullying and sexual discrimination on your side. Even if you have got one they may not support you fully in a small company, but it's something to try.

Ignore me, you said 20 people.

Thanks for your input everyone. To be clear, it wasn't a client, but a 'client'. Comments like the one I made are publicly done in meetings because it all staff work with our 'clients' and everyone needs to know if something like that is up because they can watch out for it to protect other 'clients' and, potentially, members of staff. It may have sounded snipey or unprofessional but that's how things are done because then everyone is aware, and other staff members have done the same in the past.

I want to speak to him in private and say "look, I felt belittled and here's why; I like working here and I don't want that to happen again because it's upsetting and makes me feel like I am not valued". I didn't want to write a letter, rather a list of bullet points that I can have with me to refer to without letting my mouth or emotions run away with me! TheBlackRider you've been especially helpful and I'm really grateful.

I be a bit of a coward on this and take it from the new member of staff's point of view. I would send an email to the MD saying that his coments were perceived as sexist not just by you but by another member of staff who told you afterwards, "god, it's not very nice for women working here, is it?"

Say you never want to be put in the position to be asked that question again. Add that you know he values your work but that as new younger people come in they may well mistake his (MD's) old fashioned attitudes and comments as inappropriate in a modern workplace. (At this point I would add the true anecdote that I used to work with someone called 'Sam', that wasn't his name, it was short for 'Sambo' - maybe you have your own similar story).

Point out that as well as not being sexist, companies have to show their clients and public that they are seen to not be sexist and that under the equality act anyone who sees something perceived as sexist (or discrimination against another person with a protected characteristic) can be reported and that in the interests of the company 'we' should all start to monitor our behaviour.

Make it all for the good of the company, you are just thinking about his company etc.

Normally I'm a bit bull in a china shop, but as this is your job I'd do the sneaky cowardly thing.

Similar to sashh's suggestion, could you push to arrange some 'equality and diversity' training for the whole firm? Suggest that there have been comments from the team and clients that there have been some very outdated attitudes expressed and you feel it is reflecting badly on the company. Hopefully, as you are a small company your MD would attend as well, but even if he does not, it may give you a lighthearted way of pointing out his failings: "Oh MD- if (course trainer) heard you saying that only women giggle she would have you sitting on the naughty step".

I wonder if the problem was that when you used the word 'letch' and described the behaviour, that you were effectively throwing down the gauntlet to the MD because it also described his behaviour? Therefore he went on the (very) offensive...

This guy sounds beyond all reasoning. A letter will not sort it out without you having some weight behind it. I'd suggest you go to the doctors, take a Couple of days off with a Sick Note for stress, use this time to put the letter together after taking some sound advice from an expert in employment disputes, hand it in and have a chat with him, if things dont improve get a Fit note to work at reduced hours or to work from home due to stress of the work environment and use that time to search for a better job. ALL jobs are temporary, remember that, don't suffer his bullshit or anyone else's x