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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

When men call you darling or love

67 replies

Notrevealingmyidentity · 06/03/2015 17:54

But when they are trying to be nice. Is there a way of dealing with it politely ? I can't say as it bothers me that much but it's just a demonstration of I'm the different one (which in my line of work benign female is different I guess but it doesn't feel right)

This is further complicated by living in the north where plenty of people call each other "love" and so on regardless of gender.

OP posts:

trufflesnout · 08/03/2015 13:34

Realistically, I don't think you can do anything if they're just speaking the way they speak and not trying to belittle you. However, I think it's really dismissive to be told to "pick your battles" rather than resolve something that is upsetting you. If these men insist on using pet names because of habit, then perhaps object to darling & love and suggest they use another and then say "couldn't you just use my name"

SirChenjin · 08/03/2015 14:28

What about the women who insist on using pet names because of habit?

trufflesnout · 08/03/2015 17:18

But it's different, isn't it? At least I think it is. Men as a group use words to put women down, words like "love" are associated with cat calling and other unpleasant behaviours towards women.

I wouldn't like being called "darling" by anyone, but the difference is is if it's a women using it, then I don't feel she has the same potential to harass me or make me feel uncomfortable in the same way a man would.

trufflesnout · 08/03/2015 17:20

Sorry that last paragraph was really poorly written, juggling DC atm, hope the jist of it was got.

SirChenjin · 08/03/2015 18:01

No, I don't buy that - the OP has already confirmed that the men are simply trying to be nice. I don't think it's helpful to infer that there is something else in intention simply because the person using 'love' is one gender or the other. Lumping women or men together in one homogeneous mass - when their intention has already been established as non-harmful or power grabbing - does not achieve anything. Focus on the individual intention and deal with that.

trufflesnout · 08/03/2015 18:04

But the OP still doesn't have to put up with it if she doesn't like it, whether their intention is kind or not.

FaktiskErJegIkkeEnNerd · 08/03/2015 18:09

SirChenjin · 08/03/2015 19:16

No, she doesn't have to put up with someone calling her love in an area where it's the norm when the person means absolutely no ill by it at all. She can simply say 'please don't call me love', if that is what she feels is an appropriate response to someone using a term of endearment with no hidden meaning in an area where it is widely used regardless of gender.

slug · 09/03/2015 11:25

alsmutko · 09/03/2015 14:12

Chugger tried to stop me asking: 'Hi love have you got time to stop for ..,,?'
I said I might have done if he hadn't called me love.
He responded saying 'I'm from Manchester I can't help it I call everyone love'.
I told him to call the next man that came along 'love' and I mught believe him. I stood waiting. He paused for a second and then replied 'ok good point' as we both watched the next 'victim' approaching.

alsmutko · 09/03/2015 14:18

That was in London BTW.

SirChenjin · 09/03/2015 15:34

So very different from the OP.

FaktiskErJegIkkeEnNerd · 09/03/2015 16:42

he probably called you a bitch as you walked away............. [sigh]

I hate chuggers. That would be more than I could handle too. chugger and being called 'love' by a chugger.

In younger days my friend used to give chuggers a sob story, how he was living in the box room in a rented house and he didn't know if he was going to be employed this time next month and his girlfriend was pregnant, and would they like to help him? they used to back away !

bluelamp · 09/03/2015 16:46

Context does matter and the context here is that the OP is talking about a work situation. There is clearly a difference between e.g. a shop assistant who doesn't know your name calling you 'love' and a colleague (who presumably has been told your name) calling you 'love'.

But since the OP's colleagues don't intend to belittle the OP (i.. it's unconscious sexism, or at least we assume it is) it's best to deal with it with humour by calling them love or son(ny) back. But look at them and smile and raise an arch eyebrow as you say it.

SirChenjin · 09/03/2015 17:36

The OP has explained that she works somewhere different each day - and by her own admission can never remember anyone else's name. I suspect it's probably a bit of the same with the person calling her love - especially if the workplace is more informal - rather than sexism of any form, as again she's already explained that 'love' is used widely where she lives, regardless of gender.

KoPo · 13/03/2015 20:30

Bloody hell the OP would hate it where I live. Darling is used by both men and women to both men and women here. I found it a little odd when I first moved from a different part of the country and heard the men calling each other darling and duck. As for the men where my DH works I have heard him be welcomed into work by a male co-worker with "Alright beautiful how ya doing" and his reply "I'm all good sweatheart"

EBearhug · 13/03/2015 22:59

My mother used to call most people darling. It saved her having to remember names (which became a struggle later in her life.)

It confused my German boyfriend greatly the first time she did it with him. I said it was fine - if it wasn't that, she'd have been going through the cats' names and then our names, before she got to the right one.

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