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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

When men call you darling or love

67 replies

Notrevealingmyidentity · 06/03/2015 17:54

But when they are trying to be nice. Is there a way of dealing with it politely ? I can't say as it bothers me that much but it's just a demonstration of I'm the different one (which in my line of work benign female is different I guess but it doesn't feel right)

This is further complicated by living in the north where plenty of people call each other "love" and so on regardless of gender.

OP posts:

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/03/2015 10:53

it is not only men that do this, a girl at work who was at least ten years younger than me used to try to assert her superiority over me by calling me 'sweetheart' in a a kind of italic tone. I told her to STFU.

FaktiskErJegIkkeEnNerd · 07/03/2015 10:55

Ha, she sounds a right cow!

I had an older woman at work who was always rolling her eyes at me. I found her like a negative cloud tbh. A friend told me to put her in her place by saying 'thanks dear' to her when she had to do her job (but do it when I asked her to iyswim). And I laughed. I knew it would be delicious for a moment but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

FaktiskErJegIkkeEnNerd · 07/03/2015 10:57

sunnybaudelaire, what happened when you told her to stfu? did she go all martyry on you? report you? or did she just stop calling you sweetheart (extremely patronising I agree, and from a younger person definitely a bit aggressive from a younger person because it's so counterintuitive to say it to an older persom I think)

SunshineAndShadows · 07/03/2015 11:02

I grew up in the North. I miss friendly terms of endearment. They're not intended to give offence or to be patronising so I don't take them that way. I think it would be a shame if regional trends and dialect was squashed down because of fears of being offensive in a situation which is well-intentioned

HellKitty · 07/03/2015 11:05

Doesn't bother me at all. When I worked with the public I'd call people 'lovely'. As in 'thank you lovely'. I'm terrible at names and the business I was in was full of regular customers. The older male regulars I'd call 'young man' which honestly made their day. The only one I hated was one guy who'd call me 'lover' and stroke my hand when handing over money.

You must all hate me so much!

On the flip side, DP works with a bunch of men. They don't have names, they're all called 'flower, flowerpot, pumpkin, buttercup, cupcake,' and the like.

It's strange oop North

sandgrown · 07/03/2015 11:06

I have better things to worry about ! And many years ago I worked in a pub in Huddersfield!

AgentCooper · 07/03/2015 11:08

I get all sorts from men and women - 'hen,' 'pal,' 'buddy' - but then I'm a Glaswegian in Glasgow so it's just how we do it! if a slimy salesman kept calling me 'doll,' or something which I don often hear as a casual term of endearment, that would probably piss me off.

I once got into bother because I held a door open for another woman at a bar and said 'on you go, hen.' She rounded on me and asked me what I was doing, using sexist patronising language like that. I was a bit upset because I hadn meant to offend and it's just the way I talk. If I'd been less taken back, I'd have told her, 'if you can't stand the hens, get out of Glasgow!'

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/03/2015 11:09

all of those things Faktisk - she went all martyry, reported me for 'being difficult to work with' , and started leaving rotten fruit and banana skins on my pile of books. LOL. It was only temporary summer work so could not be taken too seriously!

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/03/2015 11:10

anyway it is all about the tone and intention behind the words - if people cannot tune into that then they are stupid.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2015 13:13

AgentCooper - I love being called hen!

I agree with Sunny - it's about the tone and the intent. If the person is trying to put you down or denigrate you, slap them down as hard as you want. But if it is kindly meant, and you aren't offended, then there's no need to do or say anything, IMO.

StillLostAtTheStation · 07/03/2015 13:23

I agree with Sunny and SDT It must be exhausting being permanently vigilant for non- issues to take offence at.

dementedma · 07/03/2015 13:32

I like it, unless its done in a deliberately patronising way. It cheers me up!

SirChenjin · 07/03/2015 13:40

I agree with Sunny and SDT It must be exhausting being permanently vigilant for non- issues to take offence at

I came on to say - you're offended by darling or love in an area where it's commonly used regardless of gender?? But Still has said it much better than me.

If it's used to belittle in some way, fair enough - but do you find yourself being belittled often by both genders? Or just men?

toldmywrath · 07/03/2015 13:56

I like these terms as well( darling or love), so I can't see your problem esp up North.
What I absolutely hate hate hate is being called 'guys' especially when I'm in an all female group,or even worse when I'm out with my 80+ year old mum.

Original poster

Notrevealingmyidentity · 07/03/2015 23:11

I'm specifically referring to just men.

Not in regular usage like say in a pub in Huddersfield.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 08/03/2015 09:07

So only men - when they are trying to be nice?

Let me check I've got this. A man calls you 'love' in a nice way, that's not OK? A woman calls you 'love' in a nice way, that's OK?

messyisthenewtidy · 08/03/2015 09:26

I'm from down south and the only people that use it are generally older women and men.

I would feel weird saying it to someone older than me because it denotes a kind of parental benevolence.

Amongst friends however we do call each other "babe" and "lovely" which is all happy and fine because it's mutual.

It used to bother me when I was younger men being all falsely gallant with their opening doors and the "loves" and "gorgeous" from men who don't know you. But you can't really challenge it because they get angry and on the surface it's a term of endearment so it looks churlish.

There is one guy at work who drives me nuts with his constant "hey beautiful" whenever he sees me. It's this assumption that it's a compliment I want, because all women want to be beautiful right?

Branleuse · 08/03/2015 09:31

say "thanks sugartits"

MrsCs · 08/03/2015 09:31

Unless, apart from a benign term of endearment, they treat you well then it's such a non issue. Save energy for real battles

slug · 08/03/2015 10:16

it's bloody irritating though

FaktiskErJegIkkeEnNerd · 08/03/2015 10:20

ha ha branleuse, but say moobs. and maybe salt, so "thanks saltymoobs"

that would suit a few people i've worked with

Chunderella · 08/03/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCosmopilite · 08/03/2015 10:30

If it's not being said in a condescending or mocking tone then it's fine - that's how some people speak - men and women.

I do have a little anecdote on this, at the risk of outing myself. Many years ago I worked in an organisation where my female boss was what can only be described as quite frumpy but also considered herself to be a feminist. Nothing wrong with either of those things, I should add, but they put the story into context.

She was faffing about the office as we had a problem with the photocopier and were waiting for the engineer to turn up. Boss had attempted to fix it, rather half-heartedly as she didn't want to get toner on her dress or shoes.

The engineer turned up and he was an older guy - probably nearing retirement. He approached my boss and said cheerily "Hello love, I'm here to fix your photocopier"

In an affronted tone, my boss said "The copier is through there, and I'm not your love"

Engineer picked up his bag and headed for copier, then turned around and said, "Sorry darlin'"

I had to hide in the corridor and laugh.

SirChenjin · 08/03/2015 11:39

You've already said that the context is that the man is simply trying to be nice. I'm really not understanding what your problem with this is - please try and explain it in more detail.

SirChenjin · 08/03/2015 11:40

Love that story Mrs

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