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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Feeling cross about the little things?

75 replies

RedHairDontCare · 16/02/2015 14:37

I stumbled upon a zombie thread about those little sexist things that happen that make you angry, but seem too insignificant to argue/post about, I agreed with lots of the posters and what they had written, so thought I would start another one for venting!

One thing that winds me up is men apologising for swearing in front of me because I'm female, next time I'm going to try apologising to them when I swear to point out how weird it is!

OP posts:
YouBetterWerk · 17/02/2015 09:29

Red. Yes, the meal thing is so annoying. My DP is a muscly, tattooed vegetarian and the amount of times he gets my bloodied steak put down in front of him is hilarious.

Also, this really wound me up -
My sister works high up in Pathology in a hospital with a team of about 10, 5 men and 5 women.
They had a big project and when it finished, as thank you, they were given gifts.
The women a bunch of flowers.
The men a £40 Marks and Spencer's voucher.
All the women were very Confused, particularly as my sister is actually higher up than every man in the team. But even if she wasn't - all the women said they'd much rather have had the voucher.
Angry

alsmutko · 17/02/2015 09:44

YouBetter - does your sister get called 'nurse' at work? I have been, whilst of course my male workmate got called doctor.

TheBookofRuth · 17/02/2015 09:45

There was a thread the other day about Clarks shoes being sexist (which they are - you can either have warm dry feet or colourful shoes, but not both. Because no boy likes colours other than Shades of Sludge, and no girl ever wants to do anything other than mince around looking pretty) and it was full of women berating the OP for being bothered by this and demanding why it even mattered.

Because it's all part of the social conditioning that says men are valued for what they do and women for what they look like and it starts ridiculously early and it's fucking everywhere, you ignorant pillocks.

Original poster
RedHairDontCare · 17/02/2015 09:48

Oh my god you that would drive me mad, I always kill flowers really quickly so that would be useless to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
RedHairDontCare · 17/02/2015 09:52

TheBook I think I saw that one and I was shocked because wasn't it in the feminist topic as well?

These issues that seem so little are what add up to make the big things imo.

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/02/2015 10:05

About 20 years ago I went on a training course at work, there were about 20 of us in a room with this trainer. We had to start by saying what our dreams were and one man made a comment about his involving Kim Basinger. The trainer suddenly turned to me and said "Sorry about that Whoknows, which really startled me, it was only then that I noticed I was the only woman in the room. This carried on all day, it was an interesting course and the others were generally a good laugh, but every time anyone swore this bloody trainer apologised to me. At the end he asked for feedback so I told him exactly what I thought of his sexist behaviour, eliciting yet another "Sorry about that Whoknows". All the other men listened respectfully though.

Artifexmumdi · 17/02/2015 13:09

Here is a little big thing that has been bugging me. Housework.

I grew up in a family where both parents considered housework something Other People did so we had a housekeeper. Now, I wanted to learn to do housework because I thought it was important and our housekeeper would try to teach me, but she didn't get very far. When I met DH, my flat was a tip.

Now I'm a SAHM and doing my absolute best to learn all the things that need doing in the house. It doesn't come automatically and frankly, DH is doing more than his fair share though I am getting better and I do have 3 DCs under 5 to contend with. What bugs me is an idea I often see that women have some innate knowledge of all housework (what to do, when to do it, how to do it). I hate this because I am trying very hard to improve, sometimes really struggle, and this idea makes me feel like a defective woman even though I know it is codswallop.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 17/02/2015 13:15

I think I may be guilty. When I was waitressing a table had ordered a bottle of beer and a glass of rose. You've guessed correctly the rose was for the man and the beer for the woman.

I was embarrassed and did apologise. It was honestly the only time I'd come across it though. I wouldn't have thought anything of 2 lots of beer or 2 lots of wine it just seemed a little unusual for it to be that way round. Blush

I never assumed with food orders ever as I've had it happen to me.

Original poster
RedHairDontCare · 17/02/2015 13:34

Artifex I know what you mean, it doesn't come naturally to me either, my flat is always quite untidy even if I do more then my fair share with OH. Thing is, his mum sometimes brings cleaning supplies (bin bags, dishwasher tablets, bleach etc) as if I have forgotten to get them and gives them straight to me and not her own son...

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/02/2015 16:53

My parents did teach us how to do housework, as in how to iron, how to vacuum etc. However in practice my mum did it all after we went to school and before going to work, so I left home having no idea how often it all needed doing, I had a few run-ins with housemates over shares of cleaning till I got to grips with it. However no such words were ever had with the male housemates, oh no.

TropicalHorse · 18/02/2015 13:48

I began an argument with my husband this afternoon by saying: "Every time you cast me as the expert and you as the acolyte in this Cleaning Our House play, it undermines me. Stop asking me what to do and how to do it. You are a rational adult human being and I am not your Cleaning Consultant because I have a vagina."
He went on to bleat about how he didn't MEAN to be sexist and that gave me plenty more to say on the matter. HmmConfused

Original poster
RedHairDontCare · 18/02/2015 14:06

tropical the Cleaning Consultant bit is so right, my DB at 21 years old doesn't know how to use a washing machine, despite me and my DM showing him many times, its like he assumes that being born with a womb means I automatically know how to work a machine to clean clothes in - I most certainly don't and it took me a few tries to get it right but at least I bloody tried

OP posts:
99redbaboons · 18/02/2015 15:00

I volunteered to go along to cub camp a few years ago, but was told "camp is for dads."

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 18/02/2015 15:09

Out for dinner with the DP. Kitchen got my order wrong, I sent it back. Had to wait a little while for replacement, came out, all fine.
Manager came over 10 mins later to apologise to (male) DP about the mix up with my meal...

Artifexmumdi · 18/02/2015 16:40

OT, but I love your NN Gilbert. Those are my favourite books of all time.

As to the restaurant, why? I don't get the logic of that so I get why it annoyed you.

PetulaGordino · 18/02/2015 18:30

"my DB at 21 years old doesn't know how to use a washing machine, despite me and my DM showing him many times"

what that says is, it is beneath him to pay attention and remember how to do it for next time

sashh · 19/02/2015 06:50

what that says is, it is beneath him to pay attention and remember how to do it for next time

Oh dear.

I can, now, use my washer but it took about a year to learn. My carer does 90% of the washing and I have been known to call him to ask how to put things on to dry only (washer dryer).

He showed me several times but it was so long between using it I would forget.

PetulaGordino · 19/02/2015 06:57

Sashh apologies, I was working on the info and context provided about the op's brother. If circumstances meant that he used it so infrequently that it wasn't surprising that he would forget then I assume she wouldn't have posted about it.

I have a friend who cannot get her head round all machinery, including washing machines, photocopiers, and after years of trying to operate things still gets them sometimes catastrophically wrong so will ask for help every time. I wouldn't have referred to her in that way either

Original poster
RedHairDontCare · 19/02/2015 09:14

I think Petula was right in my case DB just doesn't care to learn and doesn't think its something he needs to do, but that clearly isn't the case for everyone!

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 19/02/2015 10:28

The way the waiter always pours the man the first glass of wine to taste even if I or another woman decided the wine, like they assume he'll be the one to pay. For goodness sake.

Or getting raised eyebrows if I order a pint (outside the UK).

funnyossity · 19/02/2015 10:34

velour I find if I choose the wine, they serve it to me to taste. But maybe I don't do this often enough or in enough varied places!

SantasFavouriteHo · 19/02/2015 10:46

A friend had something similar recently, she was having some email correspondence with a MC for her upcoming wedding, her email address and name could be either sex and when the MC asked if they wanted to be introduced as 'Mr and Mrs X' she said actually 'it's Mr and Doctor X' to which the MC replied 'oh, it's a gay wedding then'
Now, I think it's great society is getting to a place where gay couples have the same right as straight couples but isn't it odd the MC was so sure the doctor would be male he thought it was a gay couple rather than think the doctor might be a woman?

PetulaGordino · 19/02/2015 11:49

"The way the waiter always pours the man the first glass of wine to taste even if I or another woman ordered"

This is a nightmare for FIL who is a recovering alcoholic and does NOT want glasses of wine in front of him

thatstoast · 19/02/2015 19:29

Or the MC assumed that any normal woman wouldn't consider having a PhD as important as bagging a man? Loads of people on mumsnet seem to think that a woman is petty if she wants to be addressed as anything other than Mrs.

InAndOfMyself · 19/02/2015 19:45

Being nice is the thing I want to vent about. This idea that women have to be nice and soft and understanding. The idea that a woman who speaks up when something is bothering her is a shrew.

This blog post, www.dontbuyherflowers.com/about-sisterhood/the-weekend-row/, resonates with me because I can recognise that I used to be that women. The one who tried to say things nicely in a sing song way so I didn't appear the shrew, the one who didn't want to nag but resented having to do all the planning and execution; I ended up bitter and annoyed.

I don't like the conclusion she reaches in the blog post, they're not right for me, but I relate to the situations she has described.