Teen DD angry about sexism

[Aradia]

Over the last couple of years, (with the help of MN) I have become much more vocal feminist. My DD is 13 and is very well read and becoming much more socially aware, particularly with regards to feminism. The only problem is it's starting to really upset her as she is seeing sexism and the patriarchy and she is quite rightly bothered by the unfairness of it. For example I recently had a Facebook debate with my sister, her auntie, about 50 shades of grey. My sister doesn't see anything wrong with it and thinks I am making a big fuss over nothing. DD on the other hand recognises it for what it is and can't understand why my sister doesn't see it too.

I am immensely proud of DD and she is growing up to be a wise and compassionate young woman. How do I help her to direct her passion in a positive way? I totally understand her frustration, I feel it too, as we all do. I was even going to post about how frustrated I feel the other day. I think I'm getting feminism burn out or something. In some ways it feels futile to care so much and to see sexism all around and feel like nothing's changing or that it's getting worse not better. I want DD to believe that she can make a difference. She is a very eloquent writer, so I have been encouraging her to write down her thoughts, or to write articles. What else can I do?

I know exactly how you and she feel. I don't have any particularly practical advice right now, but she might find this cartoon pertinent if she hasn't seen it before

A 13 yr old knows nothing about relationships or BDSM. Why do you think she has anything valid to say about these subjects?

Why wouldn't a 13 year old have a view on a book that romanticizes an abusive relationship? My 14 year old certainly has a view on 50SOG and I'm fairly sure she had a view on it last year too, possibly the year before that too (can't remember when the books were published and all the marketing started up).

Her view has become more sophisticated as she has got older but it's not invalid just because she is young. She's had a fair bit of teaching at school about consent, understands about power imbalances and both as an ex-Twilight reader and a reader of fan fic in general is in I think quite a good position to have an opinion. As I am sure the OP's dd is too.

Really a 13yr old can't recognise a lack of consent when she sees it? That's incredibly dismissive and quite frankly an invalid comment purdeybirdie. Toddlers can recognise when their consent to touch their bodies has been violated, so a 13yr old will certainly be able to.

So if you asked a 13yr old whether someone had sexually assaulted them, it doesn't matter what they say because their opinions are invalid? That way lies a very dangerous road to men being able to rape and sexually assault girls with impunity... oh wait.

If a 13 year-old attempted to regale me with the nuances of sex - particularly BDSM - I would politely ask her to run along. What does a thirteen year-old know of sex; of politics; of feminism? She is quite probably miles ahead of her male peers at school (well done feminism) and knows absolutely nothing about oppression by the patriarchy. How can you engage in discourse about something of which you have no experience? Any child can understand the stuff mummy shouts about at home and then nod when she says in Waitrose: 'See, darling? See how all the cashiers are women?'

I despair at these mothers who spout their feminist claptrap at their kids and then tell the rest of us we should sit up and listen because, you know...'she's so wise; so compassionate.'

I think its amazing that a 13 yr old is interested in these issues and that you are encouraging her, I wish my mum had opened my eyes to everything earlier, I was basically an adult once I had started to learn.

In terms of her feeling angry, I had a couple of years of anxiety and panic attacks that I'm still dealing with now, and I am certain that a lot of that was due to feeling so pissed off and angry. I have got much better with dealing with it and I think doing lots and lots of reading about the issues, and being on facebook groups about feminism etc has made me feel less alone, and I feel like I have back up now.

What a load of shit.

If a young teenager can understand trigonometry and coastal erosion they can bloody well formulate an argument about feminism !

It may not be massively well nuanced or reasoned, it may not read PhD standard - but it's still a bloody good start.

And the vast majority of folk in the street know fuck all about feminism so she's got a better start than most.

You go girl

13 year old girl has no experience of the patriarchy!

My 4 year old boy is already affected! Saying that daddy was going to work with all the other Daddies, and worriedly whispering in my ear 'these aren't girls trainers are they mummy' as though that might be a bad thing when choosing a pair of silver trainers (yes, from the section labeled girls, but he wanted them, and didn't want any of the boring black/blue/green ones from the section labelled boys).

Hell, I'd say that the teenage years is a time when the patriarchy is acutely felt, as the kids feel out their expected roles, and figure out what they want to do with their lives!

No-one's asking you to listen to her, or praise her, her mother is asking for help supporting her, that's all.

Malala was 11 when she started her blog and what? 15? When she was shot.

Of course a 13 year old can have an opinion on feminism.

I'd say about 13 was when I and my peers became an object rather than a human being, valued only on our appearance and what a good shag we'd apparently be, and fair game to have rape threats made towards us 'as a joke'.

If we're old enough to be oppressed, we're bloody well old enough to have an opinion on it, and to do something about it. purdey your posts are ridiculous!

"I despair at these mothers who spout their feminist claptrap at their kids" OKaaay! Well the mothers (generally) aren't 13. Have they not felt the effects of the patriarchy? Or are we just making it up and really women being subjected to sexual violence and physical violence by men is all in our heads?

"mummy shouts about at home" Yeah we all shout this stuff all the time at our children. Personally, I work on the premise that the louder I speak the more chance they will listen, take it in and respect me and my views. I find about an hour a day of loud ranting is optimum. It shows dividends in the workplace too. My colleagues really enjoy lunch hours in the tea room, with me. Although I work in an open plan office so I can reach a greater audience throughout the day. Do people really think we are this stupid?

Aradia's DD clearly knows more about feminism than you do purdey.

I despair at these mothers who spout their feminist claptrap at their kids and then tell the rest of us we should sit up and listen because, you know...'she's so wise; so compassionate.'

DS thought this was HILARIOUS. No, really, hilarious. He's a tad incredulous that he knows more about feminism than you do though purdey

IIRC, there was/is a young woman's/girl's magazine with a feminist theme.. can anyone remember what it was called? She could maybe try writing for that? Or a blog for young feminists?

I'm aghast at the idea that a 13yo girl in the UK won't have experienced any sexism first hand.

Maybe refer to the survey/research carried out by Girl Guiding here

For fucks sake! How amazing would it be if 13yo in the UK didn't get this shit! And for someone to wander into a thread any DENY that 13yo girls in the UK experience anything because of their sex. Look at the article, then maybe have a little think about Rotherham and Rochdale you utter utter twat.

jump mag might be what you're thinking of puffins.

Do you mean jump mag puffins?

X-post!

That's the very one. It looks fab, and they link to blogs written by readers.

And YY to anyone who thinks that a 13yr old girl hasn't experienced sexism all of her very own and might like to articulate how they feel about it. I'd be really interested to read what Aradia's DD has to say about it all.

I think you sound like a great Mum

In terms of practical things she can do, to channel her feelings, what about raising money (by the usual teen fundraiser methods) for a women's charity, either an international one like Plan or a local refuge or similar. She can also sign and share any relevant online petitions on social media. I also like to put san pro in the food bank collection when possible.

My dd is a similar age and is the same. I speak to her about porn, consent and relationships etc. She joined an app club at school and when asked to design an app, decided she would design one that helped women identify companies that pay women the same amount as men so that they could choose a company that pays them properly.

She recognises sexism all over the place and does a typically male sport, she is absolutely kick ass at it and plays at a very high level and I am just so proud of her.

I discuss it with dd all the time and she is starting to channel herself towards standing up for people or situations which are not fair and question things, I think thats a good start.

IIRC, I read twelfth night at 13 in school and thought that the duke was an abusive git to both Viola and Olivia.

So if a 13 year old can formulate that opinion about Shakespeare, I'm sure an eloquent, well informed teenager of a similar age can come up with a decent opinion on E L James.

How about getting involved with TYFA (Twitter Feminist Youth Army)

twitter.com/_TYFA

They have been campaigning for changes in sex education to include more discussion on consent. Other issues as well of course.

www.amnesty.org.uk/giving/join/youth she could join this in a year's time.