"I'm worried about my sons"

[flippinada]

I've been around here for yonks and this pops up quite often on MN, usually in the context of their son being the victim of some maliciousness contrived by another woman or women.

The two examples which immediately spring to mind are false rape accusations, or having an awful daughter in law who takes your son away.

I have a DS myself and in all honesty I have never spent a moment fretting about either of those things. I

Just to add, I don't want to be dismissive of people who have experienced this as I'm sure it must be horrible.

My thoughts are , this type of concern is rooted in misogyny, and seeing women as "other" or "the enemy" I'd be interested to see what other people think?

Do you have only a son or a daughter as well?

I have a son. He is sixteen.

I think the chances of a false accusation are so tiny as to not be a major concern.

The taking away by a wife/partner. I have a lot of shared interests with DS, so assume his wife would be someone I would probably get on with.

I do think I will struggle to handle being a grandparent and having limited access to grandchildren, because I know it is hard to love a baby but rarely see them from having a nephew. I don't think that is the fault of the baby's mother though.

The only one I share is fear about false accusation of rape. I know it's a tiny risk, but it still feels like we're moving to a situation where consent needs to be signed and dated in blood with a timestamp and video evidence in order to be proven.

An accusation of rape could just as easily come from a male as a female so why this fear might make me misogenist I dunno.

I'd probably be pleased to foist the DC onto somebody else.

I have a DD, too, btw, no idea why that is relevant either.

Do you fear that your daughter might falsely accuse someone of rape? Because that is what it amounts to

The only one I share is fear about false accusation of rape. I know it's a tiny risk, but it still feels like we're moving to a situation where consent needs to be signed and dated in blood with a timestamp and video evidence in order to be proven

Yes, but only if he is accused. And the chances of him being falsely accused are as you say infinitesimally small. And then the chances CPS actually seeing value in the case and prosecuting and him being convicted....

You might equally be worried he will fall in to a wormhole.

I do worry about my sons because of male violence. I think they will be quite big and I know sometimes that can invite someone wanting to have a go and look hard by hitting a big guy.

Really you should be more worried that your son will be raped. It's more likely.

My brothers have been beaten up by other men on nights out, once when one was intervening when a man was being violent towards his girlfriend. I worry about that quite a lot

1st one tiny risk. Worry far more about them respecting women sufficiently.
As for the 2nd? What nonsense- "taking them away"?! Friend said something similar and thought she was mad! And controlling. Assume will have left anyway, as adults and all. Hope for lovely relationship w any future DIL!

Petula, I don't think it is the same thing. I don't worry that my son will rape someone or that my daughter will make a false accusation because I know my own children. The OP is worrying about the actions of strangers.

I think one of the reasons that you may not worry about your son yet is that he's still in primary school flippinada. Mine is 20 and my daughter is 23.
I worry about both of them, late nights out socialising, being manipulated by more sophisticated or damaged individuals into situations that might spiral beyond their control, getting lifts from friends and getting wrapped round a tree, getting beaten up or attacked...
But they are adults, living their own lives and all I can do is hope that the education, life experiences and advice we gave them, and the examples we set as parents are enough to help them stay safe.
No, I don't worry about partners or marriage. I'd love them both to find a partner that they can love and stay with for the rest of their lives, just like all their grandparents and aunts and uncles and their parents did.

I meant statistically, but yes I agree with you almond

almond - I've only got one, and he's not old enough foreither of these things to be an active concern yet.

I can understand the fear about having limited access to grandchildren, but I think that could occur for lots of reasons, eg they live at a distance which means you don't see them as often as you would like?

lljkk - I agree the 'risk' of encountering a false rape accusation is very low (I think that's what you're saying so apologies if I've misrepresented you). I don't buy the idea that consent is this difficult to understand concept which leaves men open to false accusations.

I take your point the the accuser could be male but I think (speaking generally) when people get exercised about false accusations they are usually talking about women making things up.

Skating yes my son is still in primary school.

I agree with that male violence (I mean men being violent to other men) is a worry. That really bothers me - it's not so much of a worry now because of my DS' age but when he gets older it will be.

"I worry about both of them, late nights out socialising, being manipulated by more sophisticated or damaged individuals into situations that might spiral beyond their control, getting lifts from friends and getting wrapped round a tree, getting beaten up or attacked..."

Completely understand this, from talking to friends and family with grown up children they think the same. I will no doubt be the same.

I haven't spent much time worrying about either of those two scenarios.

I think my biggest worries for both of my children are drugs and alcohol, and the dangers that can occur when one is under the influence of either of those. I also worry about mental health problems, speaking as someone not entirely stable myself.

Like Groundhog, I worry about violence for my son. e.g. big night out, too much to drink, accidentally getting into a fight...

For my daughter, I worry about her having sex before she is really ready, and as an extension of that; teenage pregnancy.

I don't know whether any of these are rational worries. And my children are still quite young so perhaps my worries will have changed by the time they are teenagers.

I found one of the most helpful things was their peer group. Both of mine have a core group of friends that are lovely and look out for each other.

And yes, like skating, I think I will worry a great deal about them driving/being driven around by friends when they are in their late teens. So much bravado goes on amongst new drivers of that age.

I'm actually ok with teenaged pregnancy because if that does happen we (her father and I) will do our utmost to make it ok. That, we can handle as a family. The thing that worries me is that life won't be better for women when she grows up than it has been for me.

Regarding sons, we all know that in this misogyny soaked culture many women, along with men, have absorbed the idea that men are lumbering innocents at the hands of evil, malicious, mendacious women who lure them into dark traps for who knows what purpose?

' we all know that in this misogyny soaked culture many women, along with men, have absorbed the idea that men are lumbering innocents at the hands of evil, malicious, mendacious women who lure them into dark traps for who knows what purpose?'

or the alternative, that all men are predators, constantly on the lookout for opportunities to be violent and abusive to women. Driven by sex and a need for power?

The truth is much harder to define.

I agree House.

Maybe you should worry more about him being a rapist. I saw a figure on here recently that there are 85,000 rapes in the UK per year. Seems far more likely that he would actually do it, than be wrongly accused.

"Why would a DIL be more likely to 'take away' your child than a SIL? In reality, I see and hear of more abusive men isolating their partners from their friends and family than women."

Yes, I agree with this - just to use a personal example, my XP was abusive and part of that was setting out to deliberately isolate me from my family (looking back, it's pretty clear he saw them as a threat). Yet you don' t seem to get people talking in the same way about worrying for their daughters in case they take up with a man who hits them (for example).

Not saying people don't worry about that. I bet they do, but if someone started a thread along those lines that you'd get a fair proprtion of posters saying it's not fair to label men in that way.

Why would a DIL be more likely to 'take away' your child than a SIL? In reality, I see and hear of more abusive men isolating their partners from their friends and family than women.

That's a really good point and when people refer to "mil bashing" threads..the OP is usually struggling because she is the one dealing with the MIL. Her husband has opted out. Opted out of dealing with the day to day of the MIL, usually the present buying, the card buying, the remembering of events. But the OP is still trying to make it work. She could just flat ot refuse to speak to them.

How many men would go to their partner's house if they were routinely hassled and would also remember to do their PIL shopping and be the family PA for PIL's important dates? Not to mention actually reminder his wife to call her parents. Almost all the women I know do this for their partners