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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

who is driving...

56 replies

minicar · 14/01/2015 01:39

Hi,

Sometimes I feel upset when dh drives for longer journeys unless I specifically ask to drive. It bugs me a little when I see mostly women in the passenger seat. Too much time on my hands?

OP posts:

Jenda · 14/01/2015 02:03

My DP would always prefer to drive but has had his licence removed due to an eye condition. He is very upset by this and sees it as an affront to his masculinity. I suppose rightly or wrongly he saw getting us around safely as a 'provider' role. I feel guilty when driving him now!

YonicSleighdriver · 14/01/2015 10:24

YANBU, I'm guilty of it though as I know DH will get us there faster.

NorbertDentressangle · 14/01/2015 10:32

I know what you mean about it normally being men driving and women in the passenger seat as I've noticed that a lot too, but we're actually one of those couples - DP enjoys driving but I don't so it suits me to be the passenger.

AnythingNotEverything · 14/01/2015 10:34

I normally drive. DH seems to have no idea how to get anywhere via the quickest route. Drives me insane.

iwantgin · 14/01/2015 10:34

I often let DH drive - as I am lazy and enjoy being chauffeured. That is if we go out in his car.

But, if we go in my car I prefer to drive.

TheCowThatLaughs · 14/01/2015 10:36

I'm a much better driver and enjoy it so much more mow I'm single and I've actually had the chance to drive a bit! It wasn't worth the hassle when with exdp because if he allowed me to drive he would criticise me and tell me what I was doing wrong, even when I was driving because he wanted to drink. Annoying!

Poledra · 14/01/2015 10:39

DH has never learned to drive, so I always drive. I would love to be able to share the driving on long journies, and I really don't get the people (usually but not exclusively men) who feel they should be driving.

My parents (well into their seventies) have always shared the driving fairly equally. Nowadays, mum drives more as Dad doesn't trust his own eyesight in the dark.

WiseKneeHair · 14/01/2015 10:40

DH has an MPV, I have a mini. So, if we go out as a family DH drives in his car. Often, however, if we go out as a couple, we will go in my car.
As most long journeys will be as a family, DH does do more of the driving and, tbf, he enjoys it more than I do.
I think going back a generation it was a lot commoner for the male of a couple to drive. For example, my DM never drove and DMIL only started driving regularly once DFIL died. I don't think this is as common nowadays. In fact, I know of several couples where the female drives and the male doesn't.

Thehedgehogsong · 14/01/2015 10:41

My DH drives because he gets car sick in any other seat, but it strikes me he could have said that so he always gets to drive! I don't mind because I like to be free to attend to the children if needed, but then I'm conforming to another gender stereotype there aren't I

I don't really believe we fall into stereotypical gender roles at any other time.

DuelingFanjo · 14/01/2015 10:42

in my experience there are a lot of really terrible Male drivers who say 'I'll drive because I am a better driver than you' and it becomes normal in relationships even when the man drives like a loon.

elfycat · 14/01/2015 10:42

DH drives as I am better at Child Entertaining. This is partly because he has a slipped disc and can't twist to look in the back of the car easily.

However the last time I drove with DH in the car he 'helpfully' told me how to get out of a junction, reached over to beep my horn at traffic at a roundabout and then 'helpfully' suggested a gear change once I'd set off from the roundabout. He clearly failed to see the death grip I had on the steering wheel to prevent myself from punching him. I parked in a layby and tore a strip off him, much to DD1's amusement. She understands that you don't interfere with the driver . Mind you he commented about my speed (too slow in his opinion but I was reacting to conditions he hadn't observed) about 15 mins later.

He's on a final warning over a few things. This one is that if he criticises my driving ever again I will no longer drive him, or his children, anywhere. It's not like he's a better driver.

Thehedgehogsong · 14/01/2015 10:43

Just thought of my MIL who has been driven about for so long she now refuses to drive on anything but quiet small roads. It means she's too scared to drive the 8 miles to see us and misses out a lot, as we are much busier than her and can't drive there as often as she could come here. I don't want to turn into that!

chopchopp · 14/01/2015 10:44

You need to say you'll drive more often, so that it becomes less of a habit for your DH to head to the driver's seat.

I drive when we're in my car, DH drives when we're in his car. As the dc's carseats are usually in my car, if we ever go somewhere as a family it's normally me driving. If he's taken them out somewhere previously and the seats are in his car then he'll drive.

There isn't a right and wrong about who should drive in a relationship, but if something is upsetting you, your DH should care enough to change it.

StrikesMatches · 14/01/2015 10:44

DH usually drives because he is a giant, and with the way the kids' car seats are in the back, the driver's seat is the one with most leg room! I usually navigate, which means we take the more efficient route. He's quite happy for me to drive if he's had a drink or is tired, but mainly comfort wins out.

GillSans · 14/01/2015 10:45

dh cannot navigate, but I can. Plus I tend to fall asleep. Therefore on a longer journey where there map reading to do, or time for a snooze - he drives.

Trouble is, I hate him driving as he is so impatient. I am a very laid back driver and don't understand the urgency to get everywhere quickly and constantly point out other people's lunatic driving actions and get wound up by them. I also don't like parking 2 miles away from where we need to be just because he hasn't go the patience to spend 5 minutes looking for a space.

I prefer to use public transport tbh and will insist on this if dh has been a dick last time we were in the car together.

Pilgrimforever · 14/01/2015 10:47

DH drives as I only learnt to drive out of necessity whereas he actually enjoys driving.
He's also a very bad passenger which I used to think was because of my driving but he's like it with everybody whether they are male/female or young/old.

strawberrypenguin · 14/01/2015 10:48

Depends who's car we take! DH's car is bigger than mine so for longer trips or food shop etc we take his and he drives. If we take my car then I drive.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 14/01/2015 10:49

DM never drives if DSF is there. She used to drive the car to his office, walk around to the passenger side, and get in so he could drive himself home.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 14/01/2015 10:53

I always drive. XH didn't drive. Now single, so still always drive. It's a bit inconvenient when I'm ill or busy.

Waitingfordolly · 14/01/2015 11:05

I pretty much always drive as it's my car, DP is fine. XDP always hated me driving though, we once spent a two and a half hour journey with him refusing to speak to me because I insisted on driving. XP was happy for me to drive back though so he could have a drink. I think there is generally pressure for men to drive rather than women. I read somewhere that there was a high proportion of accidents amongst older women and one of the reasons given was that many women only start to drive again after a male partner dies or becomes too ill to drive after not having driven for a long time.

tabulahrasa · 14/01/2015 11:15

I own the car, DP has a van so if we go out together we usually take the car and I drive it apart from about twice a year where I'm drinking so I make him drive it.

For most single journeys we stick to our own vehicles unless we need the other one, so he'll borrow my car if he's wanting to give friends a lift and I'll borrow his van to help someone move or when my car has been in the garage.

steppeinginto2015 · 14/01/2015 11:27

I know what you mean OP. It irritates me too when I hear women who don't like driving on motorways etc.

I drive more than dh on a daily basis, as he works from home and I do all shopping taxing etc.

He hates being a passenger, as he gets bored and enjoys driving. I am a good driver but do it as a necessity rather than as a pleasure, so when we are together he does more driving.

One of the dc made a comment recently which made me think hard about this. They see dh as The Driver, not me. On long journeys (eg on holiday to France) we takes turns, 2.5 hours shifts.

I am also better at child entertainment/providing snacks etc than dh.

LillyEvans · 14/01/2015 11:39

I've never learnt to drive and have mild dyspraxia so suspect I wouldn't be very good at it. Neither my mother nor my siblings drive so was never really on my radar to learn. (Father drove but nc.)

Everybody drives in dp's family but they are very into gender roles and all long journeys and motorways are driven by men. This is why I'm starting driving lessons next week. I'm terrified but hope I can do it!

EilisLiomoid · 14/01/2015 11:46

I drive, dp (male) doesn't. When dd1 was a baby I bought her a set of vests in 3 primary colours which each showed a teddy bear in a different pose. In one of them, the bear was driving a car. DP said something about "boys vests" (not negative, he was very pro the gender neutral thing I was trying to push) and that slightly blew my mind. How were they boy vests, in a house where only the woman can drive the car?

RiverTam · 14/01/2015 11:48

I'm not bothered about driving and I hate driving down little country lanes so DH tends to do all the long distance (though anything over about 3 hours and we take it in turns) and holiday driving.

I always thought it preposterous that my dad always did the driving when both parents were in the car, but my mum was not great at map reading so they'd always argue and I would think 'well, you map read and let her drive!'.

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